Monday, September 30, 2013

Better Than I Thought

Didn't get to the gym last night. =/
I did go this morning, though! 20 minutes elliptical, 20 minutes weight training, 20 minutes elliptical.
I had forgotten that the gym has a scale. Got on at the end of my workout, with shoes on, having downed 30+ oz (that's about 2 lbs) of water in the previous hour.
140 with shoes/clothes and 2 lbs of straight water weight in my stomach, which means the real number is probably around 137 or a little under.
So that could be a lot worse.
10 days until my birthday, 11 days until the party. If I can lose half a pound a day, I could be about 132 by the time that rolls around.
I'll take it.

Started catching up on all of your blogs. Not quite there yet, but it'll happen, I promise!

Stay strong, lovelies.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

More Updates

My mom's still in the hospital, but she's been out of the ICU for about a week and  might get to go home in a few days.
My scale is broken. I can get a new one on Tuesday. I haven't weighed myself since I've been home.
I was cast in a duet to be performed in the middle of winter in which the costumes are briefs and a sports bra. So that's kind of dire.
My 21st is in 10 days and I'm still fat as fuck. So that sucks.

I'll be posting here a lot more now. My schedule has finally normalized, which means I can get back into old habits.
Ate way too much today.
Breakfast: black coffee.
Ran auditions for a new dance company, but that really wasn't hard.
Lunch (1 pm): Black bean burger on bread with hummus, lettuce, tomato. Steamed green beans, beets, and tofu. Another (small) piece of bread with peanut butter.
Dinner (6 pm): Garden vegetable soup and tortilla chips with hummus.
Shouldn't have had dinner. Going to the gym in an hour, though.

Going to the gym again tomorrow morning. Then the plan is breakfast (oats, peanut butter, and fruit) and then a cup of black beans and some fruit throughout the day. I have a class and two dance classes, a two-hour rehearsal, and then I teach two more dance classes in the evening, so eating a bit throughout the day is both a) necessary and b) not the absolute worst.

I swear I'll catch up on all of your lovely blogs.
Stay strong, lovelies. <3

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Things That Have Happened Since My Last Post (in chronological order):

1. My grandmother (who I had spent winter and spring break living with/taking care of) died.
2. Weird eating patterns happened again, though partially from schedule-related stuff (being at the funeral home all day for a few days straight).
3. I went back to school two days late (bright and early after the morning of the funeral).
4. I started teaching dance to small children.
5. I started rehearsals.
6. I started actually restricting again because rehearsals weren't as difficult as I thought they'd be.
7. My mom had a heart attack Thursday night and is in the hospital. I'm still 900 miles away at school. She's okay (all things considered)--stable, in no pain, and scheduled for bypass surgery tomorrow. She's a low-risk patient, so things should be okay.
8. I found out that K started cutting and restricting again after two months of not.
9. K found out I had lied to her over the summer about recovering.
10. K told me she loved me.
11. K's not going to try to stop me with this, and I'm not going to try to stop her (outside of keeping her safe).
12. I don't know how much I weigh because my scale-at-school needs new batteries.
13. I've had about 400 calories today. It's 3 pm and I had two hours of rehearsal earlier. I dunno if I'm going to eat again today.

Aaaaand that's my life up to now.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Commitment To Change

I just studied myself, naked, in the mirror for a solid twenty minutes.

I drew where I want my next tattoo.
The one that I told myself I'd get when I stopped cutting. (It will be two months on the 10th.)
I don't know when I'll be able to afford it, but I think I'm ready to get it.

I think I'm ready to recover.
(Typing that sent a serious wave of panic through me. I want to erase it. I want erase this whole post and declare the start of a 4-day fast and make myself tiny.)
So let's not say "recover."
Let's say "put my methods more in line with my goals."
Let's say "stop being at war with my body."
Let's say "my body is not a battlefield; it is my weapon."
Let's say that weapon needs to be upgraded.
Let's say I am upgrading my weapon.

Let's say that I keep lifting weights like I (re-)started last week. Let's say that I keep running.
Let's say that I aim for 100-120 grams of protein every day, and let's acknowledge that that means a higher intake than I'd like.
But let's also acknowledge that a week of that, even with the food fests over the weekend, may not have moved the scale (I'm afraid to look), but definitely changed the makeup of my body. I flex my abs and see muscle. I have a waist that goes in.

I will never be dainty. I know that. I have always known that. I have always known that I will be disappointed. I'm just too muscular. My art, the way that I want to approach my art, requires me to be muscular.
I cannot become dainty at the expense of dance.

And so this is a commitment to change.
It's been one month and one day since I last purged.
It's been almost two months since I last cut.
It's been 19 hours since I last ate (whoops), but I'm making cauliflower crust pizza tonight so that will change soon.
From here on out, health. I will strive for health, strength, speed, and stamina in relation to my body, and I will not fool myself into thinking that cutting, purging, or fasting will help me achieve those goals.

Stay strong.