tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60929087000867702762024-03-13T00:17:48.911-04:00StriveThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.comBlogger138125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-2212972420530903462017-02-04T15:20:00.001-05:002017-02-04T15:20:14.289-05:00"I think you're getting worse."Silly boy, no.<br />
This isn't worse.<br />
This is what it looks like when you take away my ability to binge and purge.<br />
It's not that b/p is a "good" coping mechanism, by any means, but it's a very effective one.<br />
<br />
Lovely, caring boy, no, I'm not getting worse.<br />
This is what it looks like to get better.<br />
<br />
~~~<br />
<br />
If you look at my behaviors, things are Better: I've been lifting weights and taking dance class or being in rehearsals five or six days a week since the end of December. I've been eating 1600, 1800, 2000 calories a day, only binging twice a week, maybe, only purging twice in all of 2017 so far, my weight is down consistently to the 133s and 134s and holding steady. I can bench press 85 pounds for four reps. I can deadlift 140 pounds for four reps. Neither of these are particularly impressive, but for only a month's progress, I'll take it.<br />
<br />
I WANT that. This is one of the days where I want a strong, healthy body. I want to go rock climbing again, to scale a wall like an action hero, to get my bench press up to body weight, to figure out how to afford a gym and learn to squat properly with a bar. I want to compete in powerlifting, make more dance pieces, perform more, have abs that are functional, not just aesthetic.<br />
<br />
I had a job interview yesterday and, if I get it, I'll become (at 24!) the managing director for a dance company that's only three years younger than I am, that has a 100k+ annual budget, that's developing an outreach program and growing its audience annually and maybe starting a school. I'm also currently the managing director for a small theatre company, and I could continue doing that, as well. I'd have power and money--I could juggle managing both (no, really, both are part-time) with performing and making and being a badass. I could save money and take my lovely boy on a vacation and dye my hair regularly and be happy.<br />
<br />
Today I want this.<br />
Today I do.<br />
Yesterday, Thursday, Wednesday... I just wanted to be dead.<br />
<br />
That roller coaster is taking its toll. A little on me (but frankly I'm used to it), a lot on the boy. So I think I'm coming back here, at least for a bit, because oh fuck do I need a place to spew these thoughts.<br />
<br />
So far today I've taken a 90-minute dance class and done about an hour of work for the theatre company. I have another couple hours to do (marketing! video editing!) and am hitting the gym for a running-and-weightlifting session this evening (or afternoon). I bought a pint of vegan ice cream and am going to have some atop a chocolate brownie larabar this evening because food has become scary lately and FUCK THAT. I'm going to reread Intuitive Eating because things in my brain are loud and ugh.<br />
<br />
I feel less lost than I did, but I haven't quite found my way yet. I suppose no one has, really.<br />
<br />
Love, always,<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-89045213370231979952017-02-01T17:49:00.002-05:002017-02-01T17:49:45.364-05:00So I officially Have An Eating Disorder.<br />
<br />
Things got not-so-great this fall, and I finally sought treatment. I got a diagnosis, officially, and started one-on-one therapy. Things felt... possible. I was optimistic and hardcore white-knuckling through Not Binging and Not Purging and have only purged twice in 2017! and then it all fell back down again--I didn't want to recover. I didn't want to spend my entire life white-knuckling through behavior avoidance. I was still spending ALL OF MY TIME thinking about food/my body/hating myself/binging/purging/not wanting to live. I started daydreaming about self-harming again. I still haven't been able to walk over a bridge without having my SO on the phone to keep away the "you could jump" thoughts. The restrictive desires have been STRONG these past couple of days. I started rereading ana regzig then stopped, started rereading Wasted then stopped, started looking up all of your blogs then stopped. Because those are things I did When I Was In It. And now I'm Recovering. See? If you stop the behavior, if you white knuckle through it and berate yourself for even thinking those thoughts, it gets better, right?<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Yeah... no.<br />
<br />
I had my fifth session today, and broke down crying in my therapist's office. All the things, all the tears and the self hatred and the wanting to rip my skin away and cut my fat off came pouring out. We talked through the emotional outburst, I got a packet about "grounding" techniques, and a schedule of the two Intensive Outpatient Programs they offer. Because apparently I am now Sick Enough to qualify.<br />
<br />
I don't know where to turn. It's about 5pm here and I've had 420 calories today (if that... I don't think the three bites of sweet potato, carrot slice, and boy choy I had in a sauce for lunch were actually 100, but better safe than sorry). I binged yesterday, hard, but that finished at 5:30pm and I don't think 420 calories in 24 hours is supposed to be enough, but food is hard. Scary.<br />
<br />
I don't think I can afford IOP, either. I'm 24 and still on my parents' insurance, at least until that gets repealed (thanks, Trump), but the copays alone... ffs. I need to ask, I guess. And I need to ask when it would start, how long it runs, all of that. And I need to figure out if I want to do daytime (would need a new dayjob, couldn't take advanced dance classes in the mornings like I have been, but I'd still be able to rehearse and perform) or evening (could keep my current job&continue taking dance classes, but wouldn't be able to take on any new performance projects), or none of the above and just... keep doing this.<br />
<br />
It was also recommended that I get an appointment with a psych and talk about anti-depressants. So.<br />
<br />
Lots to think about.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Life has changed a lot since I last wrote in June. I don't know if I'll keep this blog a regular occurrence or no--if I do, I'll chat about those other changes soon. If I don't--well, for anyone who finds this in the future, know that the girl who wrote for years about controlling her body and beating into submission is finally open to trying another route.<br />
<br />
(Oh, and looking back at those make me laugh, a little. 133.4 yesterday mid-day before the binge, 134.2 this morning. Apparently at one point I did a 4-day liquid fast to get down to this weight. So.<br />
<br />
I don't know who's still around, but love to anyone who's reading this.<br />
<3<br />
<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-26043751220539873582016-06-20T08:35:00.002-04:002016-06-20T08:35:46.197-04:0010 down, 21 to go.137.4 this morning! My waist is 29.25 inches. I can count on one hand the number of days my waist has been under 29. Usually, even with the baby four-pack (currently at little baby dents, so the 4-pack is on its way!), I'm just 29 even. You can see my ribs at 29, and the jiggle only exists in my lower belly. I just don't have a tiny waist. I'd like to see what it takes to get to 28".<br />
But 137.4, which is down 3 pounds from 10 days ago--to stay on track, I only needed to lose 2 pounds. So I'm 1 ahead. Yay!<br />
Part of that, of course, was shark week, which started Tuesday and finally retreated on Saturday. Ugh. But 137.4 with 21 days left to lose before artist lake retreat--1.5 pounds/week is 4.5 down is 132.9. We'll see.<br />
<br />
I wasn't as perfect last week as i had hoped--a lot of healthy food (salad! veggies! chia!) but a couple of b/p sessions, as well. And not as much exercise until the end of the week--did SOMETHING to my ankle, so took a few days off. But I took two dance classes Wednesday, two Thursday, and one plus rehearsal Saturday and I felt really good through all of them.<br />
<br />
This week is an intensive/audition with a local company, plus evening rehearsals for my August show are beginning. So today:<br />
breakfast (oats, raisins, cherries, pb/coffee with soy milk)<br />
work 8:30-9:45<br />
snack (kiwi)<br />
dance 10-12/12:30ish<br />
lunch (an apricot plus tofu peanut "curry" with loads of veg--bell pepper, kale, spinach, and broccoli. Curry is in quotation marks because the sauce is pb, water, and spices. But it's delicious!)<br />
dance 12:30/1ish-3<br />
work 3:15-5:45, including snack (banana, chocolate soy milk with protein powder)<br />
rehearsal 6-9<br />
home, shower, dinner (HUGE salad with kale, spinach, celery, edamame, carrot, green beans, and mango).<br />
Altogether that's 1499 cal with 76 grams of protein. Depending on how I'm feeling I might add someone homemade hummus to the salad, or have a kale and banana juice with it.<br />
<br />
I'm going to be late if I don't end this here, but know that I'm thinking of all of you.<br />
<br />
Stay strong, lovelies.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-83685969181524393792016-06-10T09:41:00.000-04:002016-06-10T09:41:05.714-04:0031 Days of PerfectionSo I b/p'd last night (and then ate more afterwards), but that was four full days without, which is a recent record. I also haven't done ANYTHING active since Saturday. Ugh.<br />
I'm at 140.4 right now, which feels REALLY high, but I've spent the majority of the past year between 141 and 147, so... big picture.<br />
<br />
Smaller picture:<br />
in 10 days I'll start a week-long intensive/audition process for a local company.<br />
In preparation: class+rehearsal tomorrow (Sat), rehearsal+gym Sunday, gym Monday, classx3 (modern, ballet, modern) Tuesday, class (contact improv) Wednesday, classx2 (modern, different modern) Thursday, gym Friday, class+rehearsal Saturday, rest up on Sunday to kick ass for a week straight.<br />
<br />
Other smaller picture:<br />
In 31 days I'll be leaving to spend a week in a dance residency with the company I've been working with. 8 days of (paid!) lakeside choreographing with some super talented people, and it's silly but I know I'm going to be in a swimsuit with some very attractive humans nearby and I just want to look good. These dancers are also much farther along in their careers than I am, and I want to impress (I'm 23 and the next-youngest in the group are 30, which, by the way, is only "over the hill" in Classical Ballet. These people are seriously AMAZING).<br />
<br />
So 31 days of doing everything right. Lots of water, lots of vegetables, lean protein, berries, whole grains, exercise (which I've been thoroughly ignoring, which is dumb).<br />
If 140.4 is my "real" weight, and I lose 1.5 pounds a week over the next 31 days, I'll be down to 133.8. That's only .2 pounds per day, which is a 745 caloric deficit every day.<br />
<br />
MATH TIME!<br />
Let's say it's 750 to be safe.<br />
My BMR is 1456. On a "lightly active" day, I'll burn 2000 calories. That's just walking to/from the office, to/from the bf's place, etc. On days I take a single dance class or go to the gym, that bumps up to about 2300. On days I take multiple dance classes or rehearse for a long stretch of time, that could be as high as 2600.<br />
So whatever it is, I'll do 750 calories under that. If I'm not doing anything but going to the office and coming home, I'll eat 1250. If I'm dancing a little, 1500. If I'm dancing a lot, 1800. The low numbers there soothe my ED brain and the high numbers sound good to my "but health!" brain.<br />
<br />
Today so far I've had black coffee (about 6 calories) plus tofu scramble (tofu, scallion, mushroom, tomato, and spinach). I've made a yummy green juice with plenty of water for a snack (spinach, blackberries, and raspberries) and bulk-cooked some couscous with beans and veggies at the beginning of the week that I'll have for lunch with some raspberries. All of that comes to 530 calories and 37 grams of protein, which gives me 700 calories for this evening. I might not hit 1250 today, but I ate so much yesterday that I'm okay with today being lighter.<br />
<br />
It's an easy day, too. It's 8:30 am right now and I've been up for about an hour and a half. I don't have to be at work until 11, so I'm going to spend the extra time making up a batch of seitan (quick, on-the-go protein!) and tidying the apartment a bit.<br />
Doing that kind of thing in the morning makes me feel... luxurious. Self-care/life-maintenance stuff so often gets pushed off in favor of being busy, so having time to really dedicate to it feels like a treat.<br />
<br />
And, well:<br />
<br />
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Happy Friday, loves.</div>
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<3</div>
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--The Dancer</div>
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<br />The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-89357203436230587472016-06-04T08:23:00.000-04:002016-06-04T08:23:15.435-04:00136.0!But this week has been a lot of b/p, so I don't even think it counts.<br />
I still go through cycles with this: it'll be a Big Problem for 1, 2, sometimes even 3 weeks, and then not an issue for a month or more. I don't want to be doing this--it's gross and a total waste of money.<br />
So I'm going to say that I'm not allowed to do it for a whole week. Anything I want to binge on I'll put on a list and next Saturday, if I still want to, I can go and do it then.<br />
In the meantime: tofu scrambles and couscous and fruit and salads and hummus (yes, Sammy, hummus. Infinite hummus. I swear I could eat nothing but.)<br />
<br />
This morning: tofu scramble with lots of veggies and an everything bagel with hummus. 570 cal, 28 grams protein. I'm headed to the office in about 20 minutes to prep for the school's Open House. I'll be on my feet from about 9-3:30, talking to college-aged dancers looking for a place to train for the summer, to adult dancers looking to learn, and to parents of children who want to be part of our youth program, selling class packages and enrollments and hopefully making A Metric Fuckton of money.<br />
<br />
Then I'll just pop upstairs and go to rehearsal until 5. (I work in a big arts building. There are a ton of tenants, including the dance company I work for, but also a few empty studios that the center itself rents out to independent artists and the like for rehearsals).<br />
<br />
THEN I'll come back downstairs and finish off some work at the school, probably. If I'm still standing.<br />
<br />
I'll pack a few kiwis and stop at the store on the way to work to pick up a couple Larabars and a green juice. That's my favorite way to get through these open houses (four per year!) because you don't have much time either to sit or to eat a proper meal. So big breakfast and lots of small, easily digestible snacks.<br />
<br />
Thank you for the comments on my hair! It was just my natural color before--a light, golden-y brown. The pink stays until the end of July, then I have another show.<br />
<br />
Rehearsal tomorrow morning then audition tomorrow afternoon. I might try to hit the gym after work today in preparation. If I'm being good for a week, then I should be REALLY good. If I did that, even with two kiwis, two larabars, and a green juice, I could have a protein shake afterwards and still be under 1400 cal for the day.<br />
<br />
That sounds lovely.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-29273963898184952532016-05-29T09:24:00.000-04:002016-05-29T19:45:07.177-04:00138I knew 136.8 was too good to be true. I've been 137-138, mostly.<br />
138 was actually the number on the scale that first started this journey. It was the highest weight I had ever seen at the time and it horrified me. Since then, I've weighed in anywhere from 127 (for a single blessed day) to 150 (for a horrifying, b/p-filled week).<br />
Even now, four years later, I view 138 as a marker. Above it is "doing worse," below it is "making progress." So as long as I keep going down, I'll be making progress. I don't have an "end goal" in mind this time, at least not numbers-wise. Visible abs. Protruding hip-bones. I think that will happen in the mid 120s. 12 pounds to go? Yesterday it was 10.8. Boo.<br />
<br />
But I deserve the 1.2-pound gain from yesterday. Yes, I danced an hour and a half and ran 2.3 miles and lifted, but I also had, in addition to the chia and salad listed yesterday, a ton of broccoli and carrots, half a tub of hummus (it is forever my weakness), a protein shake (strawberries/spinach/protein powder) post-workout aaaaaand the remainder of a mostly-full pint of ice cream. I could have done (and done happily!) with all of it except the ice cream. But now it's gone, so okay.<br />
<br />
This morning was a tofu scramble with mushroom, tomato, scallion, spinach, and nutritional yeast plus a quarter cup of soy milk in my coffee (271 cal/33 g protein). Headed off in a bit to rehearsal... not sure how long it goes today, but afterwards will be the same salad as yesterday, probably with some fruit on the side (with fruit, about 400 cal/23 g protein). I'll make a list of everything I need to do soon (grant review, more grant writing, video editing, cleaning), hit the gym, shower, and get started on the list.<br />
<br />
I'll have a a veg-focus dinner (probably steamed broccoli and hummus: 240 cal/12 g protein), then head over the bf's when his show ends around 9:30. I'm betting we'll eat a bit there, and I'm positive we'll drink (he likes mixing fancy cocktails, and who am I to say no when a beautiful man hands me top-shelf alcohol with fresh-squeezed lemons and homemade simple syrup? Have I mentioned he's amazing in the kitchen?), but if I stick to the plan I'll have danced and worked out and be clocking in at just under 1000 cal/65 grams of protein, so I'll have some room to play. These days the goal is about 1400-1600 calories, depending on the amount of dance I'm doing at the time. W definitely doesn't know about this blog, and I don't want him to find out, so I probably won't update until Tuesday evening... nor will I be able to get a morning weight until Wednesday. Eek. But that's three days of good behavior in the future, so I'm going to say... 136s. Low 136s.<br />
<br />
Also... I dyed my hair this week. The Instagram filter makes my skin look much nicer than it is, but here you go:<br />
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Happy Sunday, my darlings. </div>
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<3</div>
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--The Dancer</div>
<br />The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-91975609253547443812016-05-28T14:37:00.003-04:002016-05-28T14:37:58.823-04:00Hello AgainIt seems that I always come back here when things are changing.<br />
"Here" to this blog, not "here" to an eating disorder. With the ED, I'm both not returning and admitting that I never left.<br />
<br />
I was 136.8 this morning, which I'm okay enough with. I'd be happier five pounds lower, but when isn't that true? I've been in the 140s for most of my time post-college (...which is almost two years now, holy hell), but in the (high) 130s the past three weeks or so. I like this better.<br />
Today was breakfast: strawberry chia pudding with pb (291 cal/9 g protein), then an hour and a half dance class, a quick grocery store run, then lunch: salad with tomato, bell pepper, tofu, avocado, and nutritional yeast (363 cal/22 g protein). I'm digesting and drinking water, then gym and dinner, maybe seeing the boyfriend after his show.<br />
<br />
Oh, yes, there's a boyfriend.<br />
I wrote about him <a href="http://strive-for-it.blogspot.com/2015/09/t-15.html">back in September</a>, how I had a crush on W, the lighting designer from a show I had done. How he had a show coming up that I was going to drag H to and, I dunno, at least remind him that I existed.<br />
Well, I didn't do quite that. I missed the show, but I sent him a FB message afterwards apologizing for it, asking how it went, any excuse to start and keep up a conversation. And it worked! We exchanged messages (long messages--paragraphs about the state of the arts community in our area and the purpose of an education, about the merits of the classical canon and the merits of various sci-fi franchises) before deciding, yeah, we clearly had a lot we could talk about, why don't we meet up for a drink? And the drink turned into three straight hours of chatting and light touches, turned into him offering to drive me home (we were close enough that I had walked), turned into a goodnight kiss turned into going on seven months together.<br />
He's wonderful and sweet and funny and he knows about my issues in an abstract sense but doesn't make a big deal out of them and I'm just so relaxed around him. We binge-watch Netflix and cook together and go see theatre and dance and discuss current events and philosophy and sociology while snuggled in bed in the mornings. He's amazing. It's amazing. I'm happy with him.<br />
<br />
Besides the boyfriend, I got another promotion at the dance company I work for. For a while I was working full time, but we found out yesterday that our summer hours are seriously reduced, so I have to figure out how to live on about half of what I was planning on. Eek.<br />
Otherwise, I had a gallery installation (result of the fellowship) in March-April and a show in May. I start rehearsals for another show next week--that one goes up in August. A couple more pretty big auditions over the next couple of weeks, as well.<br />
<br />
Things are... okay. The work thing is scary--really, really scary, and I've been panicking all week about it, but I've realized that I need to just seize this opportunity to take as much class as possible, get to the gym as much as possible, and spend time making art. So that's what I'm going to do. Food and gym and class all in line and everything else will fall into place.<br />
<br />
How have you all been, lovelies?<br />
--The Dancer<br />
<br />The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-51760823908434279042015-10-02T22:17:00.005-04:002015-10-02T22:17:41.126-04:00Good ThingsI am still fat, but that's neither here nor there at the moment.<br />
<br />
I got a promotion at work! It's only a small increase in pay/hours worked, but I get a second title and I'm actually absorbing an entire position after we let someone else go. So that's exciting.<br />
<br />
Haven't heard from any recent auditions, but I've taken dance classes three days in a row now and am going back tomorrow for yoga, modern, and improv (4 hours of movement). The class I took today was with my old college dance professor, and we had a nice discussion beforehand about the state of dance in the city I'm in--how there are no auditions, no independent choreographers looking for dancers, and how all of the major companies use a roster of the same 30-ish dancers for all of their projects. Her advice was to just make my own work, start my own company. So. At least it's not all in my head.<br />
<br />
I've been working with Duolingo to brush up on my German for the past week. (The last sentence I had to translate: "Sofern du bezahlst, trinke ich" which is basically "as long as you're paying, I'm drinking." I appreciate that Duolingo understands the phrases I need in my daily life.)<br />
I started their French course yesterday. "Je suis une femme" is about as advanced as my French is at this point, but that's okay. I've wanted to improve my German and learn a third language for a while now, so yay goal progress.<br />
<br />
I've also started looking at meet up groups in the area. I think maybe if I'm more social, I'll feel better about... well... everything. I've so far RSVP'd to two book club meetings, one of which is a week from Sunday, so I'll have to start reading that soon. I'd also like to lose weight by then (ha, of course), if for no other reason than I put way too much emphasis on first impressions.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow I'm going to a burlesque show with H partially because it's fun and partially as a celebration of my promotion.<br />
<br />
K's birthday was Wednesday. I texted her happy birthday, she said thanks and she hopes I'm well. I said thanks and same to her. The same sentences we've ended every stilted conversation with: hope you're well. Glad you're well. You sound well. They're rather meaningless, but when we find ourselves in situations where we have to talk, that's what comes out.<br />
I'm upset about it but also not. It takes a lot of energy to wish that we were still together, and it's not energy that I'm usually willing to expend, even if deep down I absolutely DO wish that we were still together.<br />
I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all.<br />
<br />
I dunno.<br />
Things are going well, even if I am fat.<br />
<br />
I just wish I could either lose the weight or stop hating my body. Or both. I'm becoming happier and happier cultivating my inner person (excuse the hippie talk), but I still hate what's on the outside.<br />
Well.<br />
One out of two is better than it was.<br />
<br />
Hope you're all well, my loves.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-7283464714153578662015-09-25T13:23:00.000-04:002015-09-25T13:23:26.470-04:00T-15Including today, 15 days 'til my birthday.<br />
15 days for 15 pounds?<br />
<br />
I weigh about the same that I did a few weeks ago, but I've been dancing a lot more, so I feel a lot fitter/a bit leaner.<br />
But still.<br />
<br />
I dunno, man.<br />
I'm starting to be a little more social again--catching up with old friends who aren't in the area anymore, making plans with people who are. On Monday night I went to this theatre awards show (some people I've worked with won! Glad I was there to support them!) with H, my old college roommate who's heavily involved in the theatre scene here. H and I are going to a dance awards ceremony in a couple of weeks, and H, some other friends, and I are going to a burlesque show next week.<br />
Which is to say that I'm doing things again.<br />
Also have a crush. We'll call him W. (I should come up with better pseudonyms than just initials. Meh.) He did the lighting design for a show I was in back in May and I got to know him a bit through that; he also came (alone!) to see my Fringe show, and I ran into him again at the awards ceremony. He actually spotted me first and came to say hello.<br />
I dunno. He's really sweet and funny and intelligent and involved in the arts and cute and I don't know how to approach him! He's involved in a show that open next week and runs for a month, so obviously going to drag H and maybe some others to see that and hope to run into him there, but otherwise... I dunno. I don't have his number, and I've never interacted with him outside of arts things, but he's wonderful and even if nothing happens, it feels so nice to have a crush again.<br />
<br />
Having a crush also acts as motivation, right?<br />
In a different way than the normal self-hatred that motivates. It's more positive. It's nice. You want to be better because you want someone to think highly of you, not because you hate yourself so much.<br />
<br />
But anyway.<br />
15 days and 15 pounds. So far today I've had hot lemon water, coffee, and oatmeal, totaling 300 calories. It's after noon. I'll probably have more oatmeal this evening, and a cup of vegetable soup (carrots, bell pepper, and butternut squash puree: 72 cal for a cup). Lots of dance tomorrow. Will report back on losses.<br />
<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-89818735163043419292015-09-10T04:53:00.001-04:002015-09-10T04:53:04.466-04:00Cautious OptimismFood's been a bit out of control, but not in a bad way?<br />
I've been constantly hungry and eating too much, but I think the naughtiest thing I've had in the past four days would be a mix of dark chocolate chips, almonds, and walnuts. All of the vegetables.<br />
I weighed myself this morning and I haven't gained since the last weigh-in last week, so that's nice.<br />
My skin looks a lot better, too. Not "good," because I'm pretty sure I will literally never have "good skin," but SO MUCH BETTER.<br />
I feel better, too. I mean, I'm still hungry all the time and, oh hey, it's 3 am here and I'm not sleeping, but just day-to-day is better.<br />
<br />
Let's see.<br />
Sunday and Monday I didn't workout at all. Holiday weekend. Got food back on track in a big way, though. Cleaned a bit.<br />
Tuesday I had work. Was going to take class in the morning (I work for a dance company; a HUGE perk is free class whenever I want, including during the workday), but had to train in a new volunteer instead. Alas. Still took two classes after the workday; 3 hours of dance.<br />
Wednesday (yesterday) I didn't work; hit the gym in the morning for some cardio/weights/stretching, then two more dance classes in the evening (2.5 hours of dance+an hour-ish at the gym). Didn't do anything of note in-between.<br />
Thursday (today) I work, and I'll hopefully be able to take class in the evening, but we're having issues with our volunteer coordinator not doing her job (see: me unexpectedly having to train a volunteer on Tuesday), so I might have to work during the class. I might take a morning class instead if I can get my shit together/get work done quickly enough beforehand. Today's also the farmer's market, so that's lovely. Lots and lots of fresh produce that's so much less expensive than at the grocery store, AND it's on the street that I work on, so I quite literally cannot miss it walking to/from work.<br />
<br />
So food has been good, and exercise/dance has been good.<br />
Another audition was announced, as well. So I have an audition on the 19th and another on the 27th. The 19th is the super commercial-style audition, but the 27th is actually for a pretty cool company.<br />
Also attending a theatre awards ceremony with my old college roommate on the 21st, so that's a potential networking opportunity.<br />
So those are my reasons to lose weight, but they're also reasons to do so in a way that keeps me strong.<br />
<br />
My to-do list is still too long, though: fellowship stuff, mostly, that I've been ignoring because it's so huge that even beginning is daunting. Also cleaning: again, see "so huge that even beginning is daunting." And I have a new piece that I want to start working on, just to make something. Maybe my goal for today will be to ask a few dancers I'd like to work with if they'd be interested.<br />
<br />
I dunno.<br />
I'm cautiously optimistic about my future/about life in general. I often feel lazy--like I should have a full-time job, or at least work more than I do, that I should do X and Y and Z and then I have weeks like this where I remember that, hey, I'm a freelance dancer. Taking class and going to the gym IS part of my job. It's not indulgent or lazy, it's my career.<br />
That sounds like a silly thing to not always have in mind, I guess. But watching those I graduated with having full-time jobs in their fields, and fielding questions from my parents about when I'm going to grad school, because as far as they're concerned this is a "break" for me, and knowing that I'm not able to fully support myself just by performing, sometimes it's hard to take it seriously as a career.<br />
I've always been a bit Type-A, I guess. I went to a performing arts high school AND danced outside of school AND played a sport AND founded/ran the Model UN team AND was National Honor Society vice-president AND was on/captained the Academic Olympiad team. In college, I double majored in VERY unrelated things at one of the top ten liberal arts schools in the US (rankings just came out! Still up there!) AND taught at a dance studio AND founded a dance company AND set work outside of classes AND debated AND did Model UN (well... those last two I gave up after sophomore year). So post-grad life, in which I'm definitely doing things but not doing Everything All The Time, just feels like I'm not living up to my potential. Like I'm a disappointment. Like I'm a failure.<br />
<br />
But it's okay. I'll figure it out. I'll dance more and nail these auditions and be brilliant with this fellowship and follow through on making this new work, and it will be okay.<br />
<br />
Cautious optimism.<br />
<br />
Stay strong.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-51271142561781776052015-09-05T23:25:00.000-04:002015-09-05T23:54:39.464-04:00FabulousI don't let myself think about these things when I'm sober.<br />
They're too scary.<br />
They involve want.<br />
And want leads to hurt. I've learned that over and over.<br />
<br />
But godfucking motherfucking earthfucking dammit, I'm going to do it.<br />
I am going to achieve every single thing that I want.<br />
<br />
I am going to be an absurdly sexy size two.<br />
I am going to land another gig as a professional dancer.<br />
I'm going to re-dye my hair and only wear things that make me feel fantastic and be That Person that turns heads and is so completely themselves and so completely fabulous that there's no question when you look at them. They just KNOW. They know who they are, what they want, and where they're going.<br />
<br />
I'm going to fucking be that person.<br />
<br />
This comes out of a couple of things.<br />
Out of watching videos of myself dancing in college. We had a few different dance organizations: some pre-professional, working with faculty and guest artists. Some semi-professional, working with students who wanted to experiment with movement and investigate and make something interesting. And, of course, some just for fun: fun and sex and pop music and I fucking OWNED every single performance in every single group.<br />
Because I had people telling me I was awesome. Because I had K telling me I was awesome. Because I had choreographers who begged me to be in their pieces.<br />
I felt like fucking dance royalty.<br />
Or, even without the dance, because all of campus came to at least one show a year. Everyone knew who I was. I felt like fucking royalty.<br />
So I will be royalty outside of school, too. Out in this real world.<br />
I will be fantastic. I will be enviable. I will act like a choreographer is lucky that I've even considering their piece, because they ARE lucky, goddammit.<br />
<br />
That amount of sass and snoot isn't me, not really, But damn it feels good to pretend.<br />
And fake it 'til you make it, right?The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-28921596083870886272015-09-04T12:01:00.001-04:002015-09-04T12:03:00.057-04:00Friday Night, Let's Have a Go at NormalI didn't gain weight this morning.<br />
I lost only .2 yesterday, then tried to binge to hurt myself, but all I had to binge on was vegetables and a couple handfuls of nuts and today I woke up not having gained at all and actually feeling a bit leaner than yesterday.<br />
<br />
If I can maintain into tomorrow, as well...<br />
but that's probably asking way too much.<br />
<br />
Having a girl's night in with some friends from undergrad. Take-out (Chinese or schawarma) and many bottles of wine. I said I'd bring dessert.<br />
<br />
Won't eat until then, of course. Coffee all day, hopefully a quick workout.<br />
I'm debating between this lovely chocolate mousse (silken tofu, dark chocolate, sugar/sweetener, and berries) which would be relatively safe, and making something much more sinful. I'd leave leftovers at their place, of course, so this is my chance to make something absolutely delectable and only have one go at it.<br />
We'll see.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I found an old note from K today.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Just... empty. Empty from it.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Old things that don't matter, that don't count, that aren't true anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Old things that I want to let go of, that I want to forget, that I want to not matter.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"It is better to have loved and lost" etc.etc.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On nights when I sleep at all, I sleep with a pillow clutched
to my chest.<br />
It is you, of course: it is the memory of your body, warm, your ribcage tucked
under my arm so I could carry you like a package. Like something fragile, like
something mine.<br />
I thought that I was guarding you.<br />
Your hair tickled my nose. I inhaled you, love. I literally breathed you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that is not a misuse of the word literally: you always
liked that phrase, “and that is not a misuse of the word literally,” so I added
it to my vocabulary, piled it atop the already mountainous heap of words we
shared, a language we crafted together that ended up so far away from where it
began that like everything else it had to collapse eventually.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That much distance is hell on a body.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I bought this bed with you in mind.<br />
Your ghost still has the outer half.<br />
It is yours.<br />
It will always be yours.<br />
This piece of my bed, of my apartment, that I do not own.<br />
My apartment is already small, love. You’re taking up so much, and I am letting
you have it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Won’t you please come back and claim it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll trade you for it.<br />
You take back the bed and I’ll take back that night we told secrets. That night
we asked questions and told numbers and ruined it all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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“You are more important.”<br />
“You are more important.”<br />
“You are more important.”<br />
“You are more important.”<o:p></o:p></div>
The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-11370957639980934492015-09-02T14:22:00.002-04:002015-09-02T14:22:35.970-04:009-2-15I think that date is backwards for all of you non-Americans, aka all of my normal readers.<br />
I've have a friend who went abroad when she had just turned 18... let's say her birthday was February 8th and she went in May. So her passports and such read 2-8-91 (or whatever year), which everyone in Europe read as August 2nd. She told me a story about how she had a lot of trouble getting in somewhere until finally she and the bouncer both realized, "oh, fuck, you're American, we're totally reading your birthday backwards. Sorrrrryyyyyy."<br />
<br />
My birthday is October 10th. 10/10. It's always tickled me more than it should that I never have to worry about which comes first.<br />
<br />
Nothing important there, I just think about it when I write dates and it amuses me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Last night was good until I tried to go to sleep, and then it was awful. But that seems to be normal now. So. Oh well.<br />
<br />
Down .8 this morning, and I don't THINK much of that is dehydration, because I had an honestly absurd amount of water after the purging. So. Yay.<br />
Took measurements again this morning, too. (Yesterday I took them after purging... silly goose, that's not how that works.) They're less dire than they were, but still not great. But I'll take them.<br />
<br />
Woke up about two minutes before my alarm. Coffee with soy milk (<b><span style="color: red;">50</span></b>), gym. 45 minute elliptical, then some bodyweight stuff (push-ups, dead hangs, abs). Machine says 450 burned. Let's call it <b><span style="color: lime;">360</span></b>. Protein shake (strawberries, spinach, soy milk, water, protein powder: <b><span style="color: red;">158</span></b>, <span style="color: cyan;"><b>18.5</b></span> g protein). Some stir-fried kale and red bell pepper (<span style="color: red;"><b>205</b></span>) that I had like half of. Rest will be dinner, I guess. Allowing for some more black coffee, I'm <b><span style="color: red;">417</span></b> cal and <span style="color: cyan;"><b>31</b></span> g protein today, minus <span style="color: lime;"><b>360</b></span> from the gym.<br />
<br />
I'm out of tofu. Maybe I'll pop into the store and buy some to get a little more protein/"safe" calories in my day.<br />
Maybe not. I've grown fearful of keeping food in the house. Binges abound, even when you'd think there's nothing I could binge on. Invention from necessity, y'know?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
Ask for new projects and you shall receive.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Well. New audition. As much as this city has great modern dance and lots of opportunities for independent artists, almost NOTHING runs by auditions, which means it's hell to try to break into.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But I have an audition scheduled for the 19th. 17 days. It's for more a commercial gig than I'm really interested in career-wise, but hey, paid performance and the opportunity to tour, right? </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But also it's more a commercial gig, quick (one minute of choreography) style audition, so appearance matters. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Hello, motivation.<br />
<br />
But just the fact that the audition exists is calming. I've been here fourteen months and there have been maybe ten auditions in that time? And some of them I've travelled for... NYC and LA. So homegrown opportunities (that are open to everyone) are far enough apart that there's always the panic of "well what if the next one isn't until next year?" But this exists, and I will go, and I have ideas for new projects of my own, and and and.<br />
It'll be okay.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It's just now noon and I'm at a coffee shop. I should be applying for some internships and some jobs, and really hardcore working on the fellowship project, but I'm reading blogs and writing blogs and working on my novel (how cliche!)</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Ah, well.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I'm out of the house and drinking coffee with sweetener and cinnamon. It's good.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
~</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"<b style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">Derealization</b><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">or</span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><b style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">derealisation</b><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">(sometimes abbreviated as</span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><b style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">DR</b><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">) is an alteration in the</span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perception" style="background-image: none; color: #0b0080; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;" title="Perception">perception</a><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">or</span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Experience" style="background-image: none; color: #0b0080; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;" title="Experience">experience</a><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring and depth.</span><sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-DSM-IV-TR_1-0" style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1; text-align: left; unicode-bidi: -webkit-isolate;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization#cite_note-DSM-IV-TR-1" style="background-image: none; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none; white-space: nowrap;">[1]</a></sup><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">It is a</span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)" style="background-image: none; color: #0b0080; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;" title="Dissociation (psychology)">dissociative</a><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-align: left;">symptom of many conditions, such as psychiatric and neurological disorders, and not a standalone disorder.</span></div>
<div style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; margin-bottom: 0.5em; margin-top: 0.5em;">
Derealization is a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subjectivity" style="background-image: none; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Subjectivity">subjective</a> experience of unreality of the outside world, while <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization" style="background-image: none; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Depersonalization">depersonalization</a> is unreality in one's sense of self. Although most authors currently regard derealization (surroundings) and depersonalization (self) as independent constructs, many do not want to separate derealization from depersonalization.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-2" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: -webkit-isolate;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization#cite_note-2" style="background-image: none; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none; white-space: nowrap;">[2]</a></sup> The main reason for this is <a class="mw-redirect" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nosological" style="background-image: none; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Nosological">nosological</a>, because these symptoms often co-occur, but there is another, more philosophical reason: the idea that the phenomenological experience of self, others, and world is one continuous whole. Thus, feelings of unreality may blend in and the person may puzzle over deciding whether it is the self or the world that feels unreal to them."</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-82474985818704208522015-09-01T18:42:00.001-04:002015-09-01T18:42:27.625-04:00New Month, New Goals, New LifeBella and Sam. <3 I can always count on you two.<br />
Even when I'm not posting, you guys cross my mind, and I always hope you're doing well.<br />
<br />
Some background, I guess. It's been eight months since I last posted.<br />
<br />
That fellowship I applied for? I got it. People are giving me money and resources to make art. Holy shit.<br />
<br />
I performed with a real company. I spent ten nights on a stage in front of a paying audience, performing. Making connections. Holy shit.<br />
<br />
I choreographed, created a soundscore for, and produced a show in my city's Fringe Festival. People paid to see my work. I have a check from something I made. Holy shit.<br />
<br />
These are the good things. These are the things that should make me go "yeah, okay, I've been out of school for fourteen months and that might seem like a really long time but I've been doing some shit. This is good."<br />
<br />
But I don't have anything on the horizon. I mean, the fellowship is on-going until March, so I'm still (theoretically) working on that, but no more performances. The last time someone else wanted me to work with them was when the show closed in May. And I've been depressed; I'm only working part-time at an office job (ostensibly so I have time to make art), and while I LOVE it (it's actually on the admin side of the best dance company in the area, and it means I'm making excellent connections with interesting people who also love dance), the fact that it's part-time means there are days that I don't have to get out of bed for anything.<br />
So I don't.<br />
I don't dance; it's a good week when I make it to two classes. That's not enough.<br />
I don't go to the gym; it's an EXCELLENT week when I go twice, but more often than not I don't go at all. That's not enough.<br />
<br />
I go to work and I come home and I binge and don't purge and watch Netflix and think about all of things I SHOULD be doing (like the fellowship work, or taking class), but I don't do any of them because I am a failure.<br />
<br />
K and I barely speak anymore. We went from together forever to not-together-but-let's-try-to-be-friends to she's-seeing-someone-else-and-we-send-one-text-every-couple-weeks. She's the only one in my non-computer life who knows about anything, so I've completely lost my support system. It's been really, really rough. I have a couple of friends in the area and a few dancers I work with semi-regularly, but no one I really feel connected to.<br />
<br />
(If I died on a Thursday after work, no one would notice until I didn't show up on Monday. Coworkers would probably text/call, but not think much of it until I didn't show up again on Tuesday. My body would sit for five days.)<br />
<br />
Sunday and yesterday were hard. I barely ate and I drank a lot. Was decidedly suicidal on Sunday. I cut for the first time in well over a year, and it kind of helped. I read this beautiful poem K had written me when the suicidal-ness first started, and it made everything just so much worse, because none of the words mean anything anymore. I tried to reach out to a couple of online crisis helplines but they just made things worse. I took a couple vicodin and went to sleep.<br />
Yesterday I got home from work and immediately started drinking again, but it was better, somehow. Maybe because I hadn't really eaten in two days so I at least felt like I was making some kind of progress. So I posted here.<br />
<br />
Today I had a lot of coffee and then ate a lot and then purged because it's September and every decision I make in September is going to be a thin one, or something.<br />
<br />
I don't know. The more I type the more confusing things get.<br />
<br />
So here's what I know.<br />
I weigh too much.<br />
I'm too big. I have measurements, pounds and inches, but they're gross, so I won't post them.<br />
I want to be smaller. I also want to be stronger, but right now smaller is more important.<br />
<br />
I only have a part-time job, and the lack of a normal, rigorous schedule isn't helping my mental state.<br />
I need more structure.<br />
<br />
In 40 days I turn 23. I want to be 1xx pounds and either employed full-time or in the middle of a new project. Or both. The sky's the limit?<br />
<br />
I don't have exact plans for any of those. Apply for everything, eat less, exercise and dance more.<br />
<br />
For today, I'll drink a lot more water and that's it.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow, I'll wake up to an alarm. I'll go to the gym. I'll drink a protein smoothie and head to a coffee shop, where I'll apply to jobs and internships.<br />
<br />
And, of course, I'll catch up with your lovely blogs.<br />
<br />
Until then, beauties.<br />
Stay strong.<br />
<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-3018409876719445552015-08-31T16:32:00.001-04:002015-08-31T16:32:24.374-04:00I'm going to be so fucking thin.<br />
<br />
That's all that's left, right?<br />
<br />
Weight loss and vodka.<br />
<br />
I'm back, my skinny bitches.<br />
<br />
I will be glamorous, I will be beautiful, and I will be okay.<br />
<br />
You can bet your life on it.<br />
<br />
(I am.)The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-51794450143164910122015-01-20T15:10:00.003-05:002015-01-20T15:13:42.637-05:00yonce<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/4m1EFMoRFvY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
K and I broke up today.<br />
It sucks.<br />
It really fucking sucks.<br />
(1 year, 3 months, 1 week.)<br />
But it makes sense: we both have some serious issues (hell, we first bonded because we both had ED issues, self-harm issues, and in the past two years have both experienced depression and suicidal ideation), and we said that we only ever wanted to stay in this relationship as long as we managed to keep it healthy for both of us.<br />
...which I thought it was.<br />
She called me on Sunday (we're semi-long-distance as she's still in school about 40 miles away from the city I'm living in) and we talked for an hour and a half about our future, and how it doesn't seem like we'd end up in the same place, how we don't really want the same things from life, etc.etc. And how she was thinking maybe we should break up.<br />
Well. I couldn't let that long of a relationship go in a single phone call, so I asked if we could just try to talk it out and have another phone call this week to decide. She said yes. I thought about it. I thought about how much I love her and how life plans and goals and geographic location can change and how much more secure I felt just knowing we were together, even if we weren't physically together, and how much we've been through, and how good we can be together.<br />
I guess she didn't think about those things, because we talked again today and there I was, ready to fight for us, and there she was, mind made up.<br />
"I need to figure out what I want in life, and I think that some of the patterns that I fall into with you aren't good for me right now."<br />
So that's it.<br />
<br />
<br />
On the other hand, I have a fellowship application due today, an awesome new part-time job, a second job on the horizon, and now I can use this as fuel to become strong and lean and badass.<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">...Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh...</span>The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-651280069768715002015-01-06T23:00:00.000-05:002015-01-06T23:00:16.226-05:00Starving ShapeMan, I had forgotten how much restricting (even in the loose sense of what I'm doing) HURTS.<br />
Hunger pangs aside, my body takes so much longer to recover from exercise, and I just always ache with a combination of muscle soreness (fine) and fatigue (not so good). My back hurts like a bitch and is tightening up like it always does when I go down this rabbit hole.<br />
What astonishes me most is how QUICKLY it happened. A couple days of b/p, two days of semi-restriction, and BAM, there it is on the third day. My body used to be more accustomed to this, I guess. It used to know how to juggle rehearsals and technique classes and workouts on not so much food. I'm not in "starving shape" anymore.<br />
<br />
Today was so-so. Class this morning was good but utterly exhausting, so I ended up not lifting afterwards.<br />
Breakfast before class: oats with soy milk and cherries <b>(300 cal)</b><br />
Right after class: smoothie with spinach, cherries, and soy milk <b>(117)</b>. Lower cal without the pear, but not so tasty. I was still shaky when I got home, though, so the combination of protein and good carbs was helpful.<br />
Showered, then made a stir-fry with tons of vegetables, a TON (300 cal/36 g protein worth) of tofu because my muscles felt SO weak in class, then a little soy milk, 2 tbsp peanut butter, and hot curry seasoning <b>(650 cal/51 g protein altogether)</b>. Delicious and a lot of food, but I was still hungry afterwards. Silly body.<br />
Had work (cashiering at a huge café chain in the US), where I was on my feet for 7 hours straight. Consumed lots of tea. I was SUPPOSED to come home to half a tomato and a cup of artichoke hearts tonight, but I had to go and eat a quarter of a sprouted grain bagel (<b>60</b>) at work, so I lost my right to my at-home treat. Alas.<br />
<br />
Today's total, then, is <b>1127</b>.<br />
<br />
A little nervous about tomorrow. I want to take a two-hour dance class in the morning, but I'd have to go straight from that to my internship, then straight from that to work for another 7 hour shift. Oatmeal beforehand, and something travel-able to eat the office after class (probably beans/tofu/vegetable), but I'm scared that after work I'll come home and binge like crazy because I'll be exhausted and hungry.<br />
...but if I eat more things, I'm scared I'm also going to unleash the floodgates on a binge. No winning.<br />
<br />
Well, we'll see.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-67058029843659413502015-01-05T23:23:00.000-05:002015-01-06T08:17:53.770-05:00Good Friends and Good WineAwwww, you guyyyyyysssss. <3 <3 <3<br />
Sam and Bella, it makes me so happy that you comment so regularly. I love it.<br />
Also, you both are so awesome.<br />
Sam, you're always hilarious and so supportive and fantastic.<br />
Bella, you're always incredibly uplifting in your comments (also, I'm insanely jealous of your sewing skills. You are truly talented).<br />
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3<br />
<br />
(I might be a little drunk.<br />
Shhhhh.)<br />
<br />
So today didn't go QUITE as planned. Woke up early, had my coffee, was super pumped and ready to get my cardio on... and the electronic lock to the gym in my apartment was seriously on the fritz. Beeping/flashing CONSTANTLY, key wouldn't work, so finally I had to give up. Did a teeny tiny bit of upper body work in my apartment instead, but no cardio or real weights for me today.<br />
(On that note: Sam, I have a heart rate monitor (with a chest strap and a watch), but I cannot for the life of me find the strap part right now. I'm too stubborn/cheap to buy another one, because I KNOW it's somewhere, but... yeah. So I average the machine's number and MFP's number and subtract 10% and then consider that a "high estimate.")<br />
<br />
Food log today!<br />
Breakfast (mostly sipped between 6:30 and 9:30 am): coffee with soy milk (50 cal), a MASSIVE smoothie with a pear, cherries, spinach, and a splash of soy milk (more cherries and spinach than yesterday, so higher count: 256 this time). Had most of the smoothie before I left the apartment, but a bit of it was left for lunch.<br />
Had my internship from 10-2 (and didn't eat ANY of the snacks there. I win.)<br />
Lunch (2:30ish): the rest of the smoothie plus stir-fried (no oil) broccoli, Costco's "frozen stir fry vegetables," and spinach (154).<br />
Second lunch (3:30?): a homemade bean burger (154) and 20 pistachios (80).<br />
Dinner: estimated 1 cup of pasta primavera (223, according to MFP) and high estimate of 12.5 oz of wine (but I think it was less, still, gonna say 305 cal, again from MFP), plus two Tostitos (39) an 2 tbsp of homemade guac (46).<br />
Total was 1,307 with no real exercise (though I did walk a total of like 3 miles in sub-zero temperatures (fahrenheit... so below -17 Celsius)). I dunno. Weighed myself when I got home and, even full of pasta, I was the same as I was this morning, so that's cool. Wasn't dehydrated, either, so maybe tomorrow's number will be good to me.<br />
<br />
Numbers aside, today was a really good day. I asked two of my professors from last year if they'd write me reference letters for a really cool fellowship program (and they both said yes!), being at the office today was a lot of fun (and I always feel super supported there, I love the people I work with), and I had a nice dinner with my roommate from last year. She sort of bugged me by the end of the year, but seeing her again was really really lovely. She's great in smaller doses, so tonight was a lot of fun. It was a night of good friends, good wine, and good behavior around food! I ate slowly, left pasta on my plate, ate two chips with her homemade guac to be nice but didn't go crazy with them (even though it was delicious), and I'm going to bed hungry!<br />
<br />
The plan for tomorrow is oatmeal before a 90-minute dance class, a little lifting (if the stupid fucking lock is fixed), a smoothie and protein-ful salad, then a 7-hour work shift on my feet. Can't wait!<br />
<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-64154525904665060762015-01-04T19:20:00.000-05:002015-01-04T19:20:07.558-05:00Welcome to 2015No-counting didn't work.<br />
Partially holidays/family in town, partially... I dunno... a total lack of self control?<br />
I'm not sure. It wasn't good. I felt awful all the time and wasn't making good food choices.<br />
<br />
Working on changing that.<br />
<br />
Food log for today!<br />
Breakfast: coffee with soy milk (50 cal for two cups), smoothie made with spinach, cherries, a pear, and a splash of soy milk (185)<br />
Snack: an orange (65)<br />
Lunch: homemade bean burger on a sandwich thin with hummus plus a salad of spinach, red pepper, tomato, and artichokes (284 for the burger+bun, 75 for the salad)<br />
Workout! 10 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes treadmill (a mile and change), 20 minutes weightlifting, 10 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes stretching. MFP low estimate says 257.<br />
Post-workout: silken tofu blended with half a packet of hot chocolate and refrigerated to make this lovely high-protein chocolate mousse (150)<br />
Dinner: a ton of oven-roasted broccoli, another bean burger with hummus (no bun this time), and a couple artichoke quarters (309)<br />
<br />
So that's 1,118-257=861 net right now. I don't really believe that I burned that much at the gym, though. I dunno. I also have to go to this thing for work where they're going to make us try new foods that we're offering. Hopefully a max of like two things will be vegan, so I'll probably net like 900-1000 today. Not bad.<br />
<br />
A little worried about tomorrow. Going over to a college friend's house for dinner because I haven't seen her in forever. It'll be nice, but she said she's making a twist on pasta primavera which is... y'know... pasta. So that's not great. I said I'd bring wine, too. (Well, I said either wine or dessert.)<br />
My thought at the moment is to do a huge cardio blast after I lift weights at the gym in the morning, burn like 500 calories or whatever, then have a protein-y smoothie and a salad throughout the day so I don't go crazy on the carbs in the evening.<br />
In exactly one week I'll be in NYC for auditions. I'd like to drop 5 pounds between now and then, and I think I can do it.<br />
<br />
Stay strong, babes.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-61594300649180790572014-12-18T09:31:00.002-05:002014-12-18T09:31:33.398-05:00No NumbersWhy was everything so much easier last week?<br />
(I KNOW the answer.)<br />
B/P three times in the last two days. Fuck this shit.<br />
<br />
What worked, even if it was just for a week, was not counting. No counting, but 80% of my diet consisted of fruits and vegetables. The other 20% was tofu, lentils, wild rice, and nuts. I was losing weight. Not quickly, but a little.<br />
I need to do that. Apples and clementines and spinach and red peppers and all the delicious things that I love. Water and tea and perfection.<br />
It will be good.<br />
It will be beautiful.<br />
I will be beautiful.The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-11954349169433301002014-12-17T09:31:00.002-05:002014-12-17T09:31:31.430-05:00Make It Look So EasyWas it just this weekend I was in LA, feeling skinny(ish), easily eating only healthy food and drinking coffee, walking everywhere, admiring art, happy and feeling free and worldly and, dare I say it, <i>pretty?</i><div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
And yet right now I feel so incredibly fat and disgusting and terrible. Hideous.</div>
<div>
I want the feeling of this weekend back. Pure and happy and free and easy.</div>
<div>
Perfect.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Have any of you ever read Arden Leigh's <u>The New Rules of Attraction</u>?</div>
<div>
So it's a pick-up guide aimed at women, but please stick with me. I've read it at least three times and, honestly, it doesn't read like a skeezy pick-up guide or an overly emotional, fluffy self-help book. I like it because it reads as a guide to illusion. Of perfection, of creating an over-the-top character of yourself, of beauty and intrigue and making it all look easy.</div>
<div>
That's what I want.</div>
<div>
Beauty, mystery, artistry, and intrigue.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'll get there.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Much love.</div>
<div>
<3</div>
The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-2155024193983048682014-12-16T05:06:00.000-05:002014-12-16T05:06:12.024-05:00Well Hello ThereThe number on the scale is unspeakable.<br />
It has been for months, honestly, but I haven't had the strength or the drive or the reason to come back here.<br />
But fuck that. I'm not getting into any dance companies doing shit the healthy way, let's see what happens if I do this.<br />
<br />
I binged last night, what a surprise. I had actually been good for like four or five days, was feeling good, then, BAM, binge, no purge.<br />
So today (/tomorrow? I'm going to sleep again, it's 4 am) is caffeine and water raw fruits and vegetables for... ahem... <i>cleansing </i>effects... then it will be the start of a Great Fast a la Ana Regzig. Let's go for a week at first. Alternating water fast/juice and smoothie fast/something low-cal but high-protein with lots of exercise. T-30 Days until I head to NYC for two big auditions.<br />
<br />
Until then, think thin thoughts, my skinny bitches.<br />
Much love,<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-21096731594840273212014-05-11T08:51:00.000-04:002014-05-11T08:51:14.735-04:00Bingey binge binge.139.6.<br />
After a few days of "normal" (albeit, yes, actually healthy) eating and weight lifting/running combo... and then a binge last night. Didn't purge, because I'm trying not to do that anymore (though, who am I kidding, did it on Friday), so now everything's just sitting in me.<br />
139.6.<br />
I haven't been this high in MONTHS.<br />
Everything disgusts me. My stomach disgusts me. My arms disgust me. My thighs and calves and ankles and chubby knees disgust me. My face disgusts me.<br />
I have a food hangover from all of the sugar and simple carbs.<br />
I'm eight months along with a set of food triplets.<br />
The official word on what you're meant to do after a binge is "self care" and "normal" eating. Yeah. Right. =/<br />
The plan today: as much water and tea as I can stomach (at least 200 fl oz, or 25 cups; my water bottle holds 24 oz (3 cups) and tea mug holds 16 oz (2 cups), so that's five bottles of water and five mugs of tea. I'll let myself have coffee to, uh, move things along after I've downed the first two servings each of water and tea.<br />
No food. No food today, we'll see what the scale says about tomorrow. I'm guessing no food then, either. No food until I'm back in the 133s. My guess is the 137s tomorrow, but if I make it to the gym today, maybe I can burn enough to get into the 136s.<br />
<br />
I started reading Ana Regzig's blog again last night after the binge.<br />
In her words,<br />
<br />
Starve on.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-50774969038623820272014-05-07T10:03:00.000-04:002014-05-07T10:03:07.211-04:00133.8I am finally, finally back below 134.<br />
(I was at 134 even when I woke up on Monday after the drinking, went up yesterday morning by less than a pound (but it still counts)).<br />
133.8.<br />
With my schedule today, I'm almost certain I can be in the 132s tomorrow.<br />
<br />
I also purged four days in a row, which is just bullshit. I went three fucking weeks without purging (and an entire month without coffee! Addictions can be broken, yo).<br />
So here's the challenge. 4 days of purging? 4 days purge-free. I am absolutely NOT ALLOWED to purge today through Saturday. Just can't happen. Nope, sorry, deal with your fat like everyone else.<br />
The only rule is under 1000 calories and some kind of exercise (besides dancing) every day.<br />
I have 18 days until Spring Concert, which is this awesome all-day outdoor music festival my school throws. Sunshine and beer and bikinis. I WILL look hot as fuck this year, mark my words.<br />
125. 125 for Spring Concert would be great, then 120 by graduation three weeks later.<br />
Totally manageable. Not even a problem.<br />
<br />
Love you all! Skinny days and happy thoughts.<br />
<3<br />
--The DancerThe Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6092908700086770276.post-38470725810480486262014-05-06T17:26:00.002-04:002014-05-06T17:26:38.928-04:00Purged four days in a row.<br />
This shit needs to stop.<br />
<br />
(But as long as the weight's going down, the fuck do I care?)The Dancerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04067856078292918675noreply@blogger.com1