Watch out, this is a long one.
It's 10 am and I'm already this confused about the world?
Woke up at 5:45 to get ready for this intensive. Weight was 141 because I was a fat pigbitch and had nuts and raisins last night.
Ate breakfast (450 calories. I hated every moment of eating it, but hey, six hours of dance burns at least 1500 calories. Actual estimates say 1800-2400, but that seems too high, so I always assume 250/hour, or 1500 for six hours).
Now, here's the thing. I don't drive. So, no problem, I'm in a city, I'll take the bus to the intensive. In theory, I'd take a bus from my neighborhood to downtown and have ten minutes to walk about two blocks and catch a second bus out to the studio.
Yeah, well.
Caught the first bus at 7:15. Right on time. Was supposed to get off at 7:45. Except at 7:45 we had barely hit downtown. Didn't get to my stop until 8:10. Found where I was supposed to catch the next bus (it's now 8:15) except, oh wait, it's detoured MORE than what the bus's website claims. It doesn't hit downtown AT ALL anymore! I can take the subway out to where I could catch the next one, except when I get there (8:20), the next subway I can take will get me where I need to be just in time to miss the next bus, meaning I won't get to the studio until about 9:30 when I was supposed to be there at 8:30.
Yeah. I don't do late. I REFUSE to be late. Hell, I specifically took an earlier bus than I (should have) needed to just to get to the studio 20 minutes early!
But couldn't I be late just this once and explain?
Here's the thing: I emailed the intensive director three months after auditions asking to be let in. She did, and gave me a full scholarship because I took from her in highschool and she remembered me. Favor Number One.
I never sent in the scholarship acceptance/registration forms that I was supposed to have sent in two weeks ago, so they didn't actually know I was coming. I was going to turn them in today and hope for the best. Favor Number Two.
Add being an hour later to that? No. Unacceptable.
So instead, I came home. Took a bus that dropped me off a mile away so I'd have to walk a bit (because, oh yeah, I have those 450 calories of breakfast in me FOR NO REASON now).
It's okay. Not going to this intensive means that I can play caretaker for my grandmother and give my mom and aunts a break.
My grandma was in the hospital last Thanksgiving and has needed an oxygen tank and near-24 hour care since then. Whenever I'm home on break, I do it. I don't mind. It gives my mom and aunts a break, which is great for them. It's just... so DULL. She needs help getting out of bed, dressed, and downstairs, then she usually doesn't need anything until she goes back to bed at night. But she can't be left alone--she's not very strong anymore, could fall easily, and can't reach her oxygen if she needs to turn it up. So it's important that someone be there, it's just that 90% of the time that person is just sitting on the couch, watching whatever daytime television show she's decided to turn on.
And if that person is me, it also involves her telling me to eat. And eat. And eat.
So this was all going through my mind as I was walking home. How I had breakfast, how I was going to get fat from a) not dancing b) not being able to exercise because I can't leave her alone and c) having food forced on me. I was near panic with the thought of how much weight I'd gain.
And then.
I got home.
I emptied my bladder, stripped down, and weighed myself again (because I have a nasty habit of stepping on the scale every time I'm in the bathroom).
...139.5
It didn't register.
I stared at the number.
I stepped off the scale.
Moved it over a tile.
Back on.
139.5
Off again.
On again.
139.5
So. I guess I'm 139.5. Huh. 2 pounds down since Saturday.
I told you, today's been a real head scratcher.
(Now I just need to keep this up while I'm gone.)
Monday, August 5, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
141
Thought process this morning:
I didn't gain. Thank god. Fucking relief.
...I lost! I actually lost!
If I hadn't eaten at all last night, I TOTALLY could have been under 140. Fatass.
It is 100% possible to see the 130s tomorrow. Any modicum of self control will make that a reality.
It's currently 4:30 pm and I've yet to leave the house. I ended up not only unpacking, but going through all of my clothing and sorting some out to be donated or thrown away, and I'm in the process of cleaning the rest of my room.
I just had an early dinner/late lunch--half of a cucumber with a tbsp of hummus and five slices (one serving) on Yves meatless deli ham. That plus the soymilk in coffee throughout the day (half cup total) is 179 calories for the day AND 18 grams of protein. I'm very happy about that intake.
"If every day were like today, you'd weigh 125.4 lbs in 5 weeks!"
Going to drink tea and water until I go to bed tonight in hopes of seeing 139 tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow I (I THINK) start a two-week dance intensive, which runs from 9 am to 4 pm six days a week. That also means that I need to eat at least breakfast and lunch every day, because six hours of dance on no food is not a thing that can happen.
I think if I keep my intake in the 750-1000 range during the intensive, I'll still be able to lose and everything will be okay.
ALSO: I've somehow skyrocketed from 8 to 12 followers in the last week, so THANK YOU to everyone who reads my ramblings! <3
I didn't gain. Thank god. Fucking relief.
...I lost! I actually lost!
If I hadn't eaten at all last night, I TOTALLY could have been under 140. Fatass.
It is 100% possible to see the 130s tomorrow. Any modicum of self control will make that a reality.
It's currently 4:30 pm and I've yet to leave the house. I ended up not only unpacking, but going through all of my clothing and sorting some out to be donated or thrown away, and I'm in the process of cleaning the rest of my room.
I just had an early dinner/late lunch--half of a cucumber with a tbsp of hummus and five slices (one serving) on Yves meatless deli ham. That plus the soymilk in coffee throughout the day (half cup total) is 179 calories for the day AND 18 grams of protein. I'm very happy about that intake.
"If every day were like today, you'd weigh 125.4 lbs in 5 weeks!"
Going to drink tea and water until I go to bed tonight in hopes of seeing 139 tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow I (I THINK) start a two-week dance intensive, which runs from 9 am to 4 pm six days a week. That also means that I need to eat at least breakfast and lunch every day, because six hours of dance on no food is not a thing that can happen.
I think if I keep my intake in the 750-1000 range during the intensive, I'll still be able to lose and everything will be okay.
ALSO: I've somehow skyrocketed from 8 to 12 followers in the last week, so THANK YOU to everyone who reads my ramblings! <3
Saturday, August 3, 2013
-sigh-
I ate more.
Seems my days always go like this: not-eat not-eat not-eat not-eat EAT.
Alas.
No purging. Back home now, so that's a non-option.
Took laxatives, gonna keep guzzling down this bottle of water.
Tomorrow will be a day entirely devoted to not eating.
I have a plan!
I will wake up, drink coffee.
Unpack.
Shower.
Dress nicely, do my nails, do my makeup.
At this point it'll probably be noon.
I'll take my laptop and some books to Starbucks and get a refresher or some black coffee and
a) Read some German, because I want to get my abilities back up.
b) Work on my novel.
c) Work on choreography stuff.
I won't come home until after eight, at which point it will be FAR too late to eat. I might work on some beading.
Yes.
That is how I will stay away from food ALL DAY tomorrow.
Because fuck.this.shit.
141.5
It's sad that I'm excited about 141.5, but there it is.
(Especially because it's the afternoon and I had breakfast and everything.)
...if I just drinkanddrinkanddrink water and tea until tonight, I might be under 140 tomorrow morning? I tend to fluctuate a lot, and I had that huge meal yesterday, so maybe?
But even if not.
Here's the thing.
I want to weigh 120 lbs on my 21st birthday (October 10th). That's only 21.5 lbs down from what I am now. 21.5 lbs in 68 days. That's barely over 2 lbs a week! Holy shit, that's TOTALLY possible. I'm feeling super super positive about this.
(Today's intake: 500 calories exactly. The breakfast and lunch I mentioned earlier plus a Starbacks Orange Melon Refresher Energy Drink thingy. They're 60 calories and delicious and filling.)
Stay skinny. <3
(Especially because it's the afternoon and I had breakfast and everything.)
...if I just drinkanddrinkanddrink water and tea until tonight, I might be under 140 tomorrow morning? I tend to fluctuate a lot, and I had that huge meal yesterday, so maybe?
But even if not.
Here's the thing.
I want to weigh 120 lbs on my 21st birthday (October 10th). That's only 21.5 lbs down from what I am now. 21.5 lbs in 68 days. That's barely over 2 lbs a week! Holy shit, that's TOTALLY possible. I'm feeling super super positive about this.
(Today's intake: 500 calories exactly. The breakfast and lunch I mentioned earlier plus a Starbacks Orange Melon Refresher Energy Drink thingy. They're 60 calories and delicious and filling.)
Stay skinny. <3
Ugh
Yesterday and today (so far, it's only 7:30 am) have been serious foodfests.
We left the beach yesterday and drove to have dinner with my dad's relatives, about three hours away. The plan was to not eat until dinner with them, then have salad.
Well.
Uh.
Huh.
About that.
Y'see. Breakfast. Was a thing. A handful of nuts, some dried fruit. Then another handful of both. Then an apple. Then the remainder of a salad that we either had to eat or throw out (but that's like 20 calories of vegetables, so I'm not that bothered).
I was panicking a little, but it was like, hey, so I ate some fruits, vegetables, and nuts. Nothing awful. It'll be fine. High in calories (because you're a fat pig and ate huge portions), but good for you.
Well. During the roadtrip we stopped at a gas station and for some inexplicable reason I got Swedish Fish AND Sour Patch Kids AND Oreos. So I had like 400 calories of gummy candy plus the Oreos. Fucking hell.
AND THEN the salad I was supposed to have for dinner? Yeah, got a veggie burger with avocado instead. I'm not mad about this. It was a really nice all vegan/vegetarian restaurant, everything was INCREDIBLY delicious. I thought about purging it, but the guilt at the price and just the general atmosphere was too much. But again, not bad. If that had been the only thing I ate yesterday, I would have considered the day a success.
As is, it was a massive failure. My stomach is huge. I swear I can feel the fat growing on me. 8 hour roadtrip today, so couldn't do laxatives and also can't spend the day drinking water to flush everything out.
And, to top that off, I already had breakfast. Oats with peanut butter and a banana (250 cal). I grabbed two free bags of dried fruit and nuts (both 90 calories), so I think I can claim those as a lunch, which puts me at 430 for the day. Hopefully I'll be able to skip dinner, too.
(Also holy shit I'm going home which means I have a scale. I don't know if I can face getting on it or not. Ahhhh.)
Hope your days are thinner than mine. <3
We left the beach yesterday and drove to have dinner with my dad's relatives, about three hours away. The plan was to not eat until dinner with them, then have salad.
Well.
Uh.
Huh.
About that.
Y'see. Breakfast. Was a thing. A handful of nuts, some dried fruit. Then another handful of both. Then an apple. Then the remainder of a salad that we either had to eat or throw out (but that's like 20 calories of vegetables, so I'm not that bothered).
I was panicking a little, but it was like, hey, so I ate some fruits, vegetables, and nuts. Nothing awful. It'll be fine. High in calories (because you're a fat pig and ate huge portions), but good for you.
Well. During the roadtrip we stopped at a gas station and for some inexplicable reason I got Swedish Fish AND Sour Patch Kids AND Oreos. So I had like 400 calories of gummy candy plus the Oreos. Fucking hell.
AND THEN the salad I was supposed to have for dinner? Yeah, got a veggie burger with avocado instead. I'm not mad about this. It was a really nice all vegan/vegetarian restaurant, everything was INCREDIBLY delicious. I thought about purging it, but the guilt at the price and just the general atmosphere was too much. But again, not bad. If that had been the only thing I ate yesterday, I would have considered the day a success.
As is, it was a massive failure. My stomach is huge. I swear I can feel the fat growing on me. 8 hour roadtrip today, so couldn't do laxatives and also can't spend the day drinking water to flush everything out.
And, to top that off, I already had breakfast. Oats with peanut butter and a banana (250 cal). I grabbed two free bags of dried fruit and nuts (both 90 calories), so I think I can claim those as a lunch, which puts me at 430 for the day. Hopefully I'll be able to skip dinner, too.
(Also holy shit I'm going home which means I have a scale. I don't know if I can face getting on it or not. Ahhhh.)
Hope your days are thinner than mine. <3
Thursday, August 1, 2013
a;lsdfjkas;lfslfdjkas;dflk
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
After "dinner" (spinach and tomato) I binged on an almost-full box of Poptarts (not vegan, by the way. I suck.) amongst other things.
And my mom noticed they were gone.
And she asked if I knew where they were.
And I said no, because she KNOWS they're not vegan, and if I had admitted to eating them, she would know something was up, and anyway I had literally JUST gotten done purging (with shower as cover), so yeah, no.
And I know it was stupid to eat them because they're not something I would normally eat and I'm an only child so obviously they think I'm the one that's lying (except not, because I've been vegan for 8 years and I "wouldn't eat something that had an animal product in it!") and they're still looking for them and commenting on how weird it is and they WON'T LET IT GO.
Ugh.
I.
Fuck.
I'm shaking. I'm about to fucking cry.
What if they find out?
What if everything unravels because of this fucking box of poptarts?
I'm such a fucking idiot.
If I had better self control, I wouldn't have binged in the first place.
And now it's going to destroy everything.
Fuuuuuuuuuck.
After "dinner" (spinach and tomato) I binged on an almost-full box of Poptarts (not vegan, by the way. I suck.) amongst other things.
And my mom noticed they were gone.
And she asked if I knew where they were.
And I said no, because she KNOWS they're not vegan, and if I had admitted to eating them, she would know something was up, and anyway I had literally JUST gotten done purging (with shower as cover), so yeah, no.
And I know it was stupid to eat them because they're not something I would normally eat and I'm an only child so obviously they think I'm the one that's lying (except not, because I've been vegan for 8 years and I "wouldn't eat something that had an animal product in it!") and they're still looking for them and commenting on how weird it is and they WON'T LET IT GO.
Ugh.
I.
Fuck.
I'm shaking. I'm about to fucking cry.
What if they find out?
What if everything unravels because of this fucking box of poptarts?
I'm such a fucking idiot.
If I had better self control, I wouldn't have binged in the first place.
And now it's going to destroy everything.
Fuuuuuuuuuck.
Incentives, Incentives
Good day, dollfaces.
Has anyone else found that when they don't eat, they either sleep all.the.time. or don't sleep at all?
Because that's me.
I tried to go to bed at 11 last night, didn't end up sleeping until about 12:30, then was up from 2-4:30, then ACTUALLY got up at 7:30. It's like not-eating fills me with so much adrenaline that I just CAN'T sleep.
Oh well. You burn more calories when you're aware, right?
I spent most of that time reading Rayya's archives. I'm up to February 2012. Something she recently (er... "recently" as in "in-January-or-Febraury-of-2012") mentioned was buying nail polish and wrapping them up individually, to be unwrapped when she reaches her goal weights.
Well, I'm a Julep Maven, which is basically this program that's free to sign up for where you automatically get a $20 box of polish each month (but you can skip any given month and not get charged [which I do often, 'cause funds aren't THAT high]) and also on the first of each month you get access to their "secret store" where there's a lot of produce 50%+ off. SO. At like 3 am I spent $45 on polish (a really pretty pastel trio and a "secret box" which has $100-$200 worth of mystery product) and am going to do the same thing. I may or may not be a bit of a nail polish and lipstick junkie. It might be a slight problem. But whatever. Gonna use it to my advantage.
I think it'll be every three pounds I lose (and keep off for more than a day), I get to open a polish.
I don't know what I weigh right now, because there's no scale at this condo. Alas.
I was hoping to keep not-eating today, but I think my parents are going to insist on a sit-down-all-together dinner. All I've had today is soymilk in coffee, a Starbucks Refresher (60 cal!), and a couple of nibbles of sample stuff that my parents kept offering. Definitely under 150 right now.
Hopefully I'll be able to eat just vegetables, maybe so beans. I think that should be okay, especially because we spent almost 6 hours walking around the outlet mall today.
It was a good shopping trip. I didn't break down in a dressing room AT ALL, AND I got TWO new pairs of jeans! One is a 4, one is a 6. Loads of new shirts, too--all S or XS. Hoping in six months time I'll be a 2-4 and definitively XS, but whatever. My waist, in a lot of stores, is about a size 2, but my hips/thighs are a 4 or 6. Hmph.
Hoping if I have to eat dinner, I'll be able to go for a walk later. Also absolutely exhausted right now, though, so maybe not.
Either way, a solid day.
Hope you guys are doing well, too!
(Also, I have two new followers! HI!
And thanks for your lovely comments, Sam Lupin. :) Today's been a lot better, and I'm almost 24 hours without purging! Hope you're doing well.)
Has anyone else found that when they don't eat, they either sleep all.the.time. or don't sleep at all?
Because that's me.
I tried to go to bed at 11 last night, didn't end up sleeping until about 12:30, then was up from 2-4:30, then ACTUALLY got up at 7:30. It's like not-eating fills me with so much adrenaline that I just CAN'T sleep.
Oh well. You burn more calories when you're aware, right?
I spent most of that time reading Rayya's archives. I'm up to February 2012. Something she recently (er... "recently" as in "in-January-or-Febraury-of-2012") mentioned was buying nail polish and wrapping them up individually, to be unwrapped when she reaches her goal weights.
Well, I'm a Julep Maven, which is basically this program that's free to sign up for where you automatically get a $20 box of polish each month (but you can skip any given month and not get charged [which I do often, 'cause funds aren't THAT high]) and also on the first of each month you get access to their "secret store" where there's a lot of produce 50%+ off. SO. At like 3 am I spent $45 on polish (a really pretty pastel trio and a "secret box" which has $100-$200 worth of mystery product) and am going to do the same thing. I may or may not be a bit of a nail polish and lipstick junkie. It might be a slight problem. But whatever. Gonna use it to my advantage.
I think it'll be every three pounds I lose (and keep off for more than a day), I get to open a polish.
I don't know what I weigh right now, because there's no scale at this condo. Alas.
I was hoping to keep not-eating today, but I think my parents are going to insist on a sit-down-all-together dinner. All I've had today is soymilk in coffee, a Starbucks Refresher (60 cal!), and a couple of nibbles of sample stuff that my parents kept offering. Definitely under 150 right now.
Hopefully I'll be able to eat just vegetables, maybe so beans. I think that should be okay, especially because we spent almost 6 hours walking around the outlet mall today.
It was a good shopping trip. I didn't break down in a dressing room AT ALL, AND I got TWO new pairs of jeans! One is a 4, one is a 6. Loads of new shirts, too--all S or XS. Hoping in six months time I'll be a 2-4 and definitively XS, but whatever. My waist, in a lot of stores, is about a size 2, but my hips/thighs are a 4 or 6. Hmph.
Hoping if I have to eat dinner, I'll be able to go for a walk later. Also absolutely exhausted right now, though, so maybe not.
Either way, a solid day.
Hope you guys are doing well, too!
(Also, I have two new followers! HI!
And thanks for your lovely comments, Sam Lupin. :) Today's been a lot better, and I'm almost 24 hours without purging! Hope you're doing well.)
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