Another 1.5 pounds down!
Which means I've lost 5.5 pounds in a week. Not too bad, if I do say so myself. I'm back at my low weight for the year.
61 hours into the fast and it hasn't been terribly difficult yet. I've done my own version of greying out a few times (for some reason I lose vision completely in my right eye, but my left is fine) and I've had the house to myself a lot, which means the urge to b/p is always there. I haven't given in. I will not give in.
Now, I know I'm not going to hit 133 by the end of 72 hours, and I know I won't hit it tomorrow morning, either. So the fast extends until I see 133 staring up at me. Or until my mother insists we cook/eat/go out for dinner together. So either way, food will happen Monday at the earliest.
And the day after food happens, the gym will begin happening.
Because as much as I might like feeling light and airy and empty, that's not gonna fly when I start preseason. My school's dance company has us all come back five days before classes start, and in that time we learn a brand new piece, which means 10-4 rehearsal every single day. It's always tough, and I need to be strong for it, not empty.
So. Gym.
I'm thinking start 45 minutes on the elliptical, alternating days arm and leg weights, 30 more minutes on the elliptical, then stretching and abs. Every. Single. Day.
Eventually I'll work up to an hour for each elliptical session.
I might add yoga in the mornings, as well.
Because I'll burn around 800 cal in these gym sessions (to begin with, at least), I think I'll let my total intake be something like 750 with at least 80 grams of protein.
I have a plan.
I am seeing results.
I'm going to take this as a cue to be productive in other aspects of my life, as well.
Ready.
Set.
Go.
<3
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
Tsk Tsk, Telling Lies
We remember K? The former-circus-freak friend with ED and SH problems who I stayed with before dance festival?
Yes?
Whelp.
A few things about her.
1) She hates that she has these problems. She suffers through them. She hates everything associated with it.
2) She and I were almost dating at the end of the school year (after D and I broke up I was too much of a mess to actually date her, but she had feelings for me and we hooked up quite a bit).
3) She expects us to end up in a relationship when we get back to school, despite me telling her that it's not going to happen and that she should use the summer to get over me.
4) We don't lie to each other.
Except that she thinks I'm more or less fully recovered from my eating problems.
She knew that I struggled with them before, including at the end of last school year. But I've told her that being at the dance festival fixed them and I'm all recovered.
Because I don't want her pity.
Because I don't want her checking up on me.
Because I don't want her worrying looks.
Because I want to do this. All the way.
And so I've been lying to her. For the first time ever.
And I don't care.
Whoops.
PS, 137.5 this morning. Currently 45 hours without food and I feel great. I find this a lot easier when I actually feel hungry... does that make any sense?
Thursday, August 8, 2013
24 hours down... how many to go?
142 last night right after the binge.
139.5 this morning.
I'm relieved that I didn't break 140 for more than a few hours.
24 hours without food, 138.5.
I had 30 calories today in the form of half a can of Orange Melon Starbucks Refreshers Energy Drink (had the other half yesterday). Besides that, black coffee and water.
Almost made and consumed a full batch of pancakes. Didn't. Success.
I'm hoping to drop down to 137 tomorrow morning. I dunno. We'll see.
If I can drink another two bottles of water and a mug or two of green tea with lemon before bed, I think I should get there.
Then it's just 4 more pounds until food. Probably a 72 hour fast in total. I think the longest I've gone is 56-ish hours, but that was with dance. Given the lack of exercise that's been happening recently, I don't think I'll have a problem making it to 72.
If it takes longer than 72, fine. Not another piece of food will pass my lips until I see 133 on the scale.
And then food which will be carefully planned, controlled, and spaced throughout the day, because we all know if I start eating without a plan, I won't stop until it hurts.
I'm thinking a 1250 calorie deficit a day--that will make me lose 2.5 pounds a week. So if I don't exercise at all, I get to eat ((BMR*1.2)-1250)=370 calories. More if I exercise.
ALSO: thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting! Sam Lupin and Skinny Bitch especially, your commenting sprees made my day. :)
To ANYONE who's commented (Bella and Warlock's Mistress, looking at you guys) : I'm working through your blog archives and I'll subscribe/start commenting when I'm caught up, promise! Much love to all of you. <3
139.5 this morning.
I'm relieved that I didn't break 140 for more than a few hours.
24 hours without food, 138.5.
I had 30 calories today in the form of half a can of Orange Melon Starbucks Refreshers Energy Drink (had the other half yesterday). Besides that, black coffee and water.
Almost made and consumed a full batch of pancakes. Didn't. Success.
I'm hoping to drop down to 137 tomorrow morning. I dunno. We'll see.
If I can drink another two bottles of water and a mug or two of green tea with lemon before bed, I think I should get there.
Then it's just 4 more pounds until food. Probably a 72 hour fast in total. I think the longest I've gone is 56-ish hours, but that was with dance. Given the lack of exercise that's been happening recently, I don't think I'll have a problem making it to 72.
If it takes longer than 72, fine. Not another piece of food will pass my lips until I see 133 on the scale.
And then food which will be carefully planned, controlled, and spaced throughout the day, because we all know if I start eating without a plan, I won't stop until it hurts.
I'm thinking a 1250 calorie deficit a day--that will make me lose 2.5 pounds a week. So if I don't exercise at all, I get to eat ((BMR*1.2)-1250)=370 calories. More if I exercise.
ALSO: thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting! Sam Lupin and Skinny Bitch especially, your commenting sprees made my day. :)
To ANYONE who's commented (Bella and Warlock's Mistress, looking at you guys) : I'm working through your blog archives and I'll subscribe/start commenting when I'm caught up, promise! Much love to all of you. <3
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Conversation With My Father:
Him: "Did you have dinner already?"
Me: "Yeah."
"What did you have?"
Me: "There was some [soy] chicken in the freezer."
"Did you open it or was it already open?"
"It was already opened. I finished it off."
"YOU FINISHED IT OFF? I hope there was only one piece!"
(It was this stuff. A serving is about five or six pieces.)
"Well, what will I have for dinner? I would have chicken, but somebody ate it all."
<taking a tupperware container of something I had intended to bring to lunch at the dance intensive, which didn't end up happening because, y'know, no dance intensive>
"How many calories did you say were in here?"
"330."
"In the whole thing? I'm not going to eat the whole thing! God! This is huge!"
(Yeah, fuck you, it was meant for the middle of a 6-hour intensive. Even I know that I'm allowed to eat under those circumstances.)
"Okay."
"What is this? Brown rice?"
"Mhmm."
"Where did you get brown rice?"
"...in the cabinet."
"You cooked it?"
"...yes."
"I didn't know you could cook brown rice in the microwave!"
"You can, but I didn't."
"Wow, I didn't know you could use a stove!"
Fuck. You. You. Fucking. Asshole.
I cook all the fucking time, and that was especially true before the ED bullshit. I cook WELL. DO NOT call into question my cooking skills.
He also likes to pretend that he eats healthier foods than I do, that everything I eat is crap, and that he's a better person for it. He likes to pretend that he's in great shape because he mountain bikes a few times a week (which, admittedly, is pretty good for a 61-year-old) and that I'm in awful shape, never exercise, and am incredibly unhealthy.
Dude. Even when I binge it's on protein-rich, vegetable-filled, whole grain kind of stuff. When I'm at school I dance 20ish hours a week and workout at least three times a week on top of that. I LIKE vegetables. He won't eat broccoli, beets, cauliflower, spinach, green beans, sweet potato, or avocado. He won't eat any kind of berries unless it's in the form of a strawberry milkshake. Dude's like five pounds away from being obese.
TELL ME AGAIN HOW YOU EAT HEALTHIER FOODS THAN I DO.
TELL. ME. AGAIN.
Fuck.
You.
You.
Fucking.
Asshole.
(Also, was not lying. I ate dinner. I actually binged. On soy chicken, on a soy riblet, on brown rice and beans with vegetables. On a few tortilla chips, but literally just ate 1300 calories and 87 grams of protein. So. Y'know. It could have been a lot worse, and this protein (99 grams total today) should keep me going for a while.At 1700 calories today. Fasting starts now, going until I see 133. Will NOT be in this house more than I absolutely have to.)
Aaaaand /endrant.
Sorry, y'all.
Hope your days are skinny and lovely and filled with less annoying people than mine. <3
Me: "Yeah."
"What did you have?"
Me: "There was some [soy] chicken in the freezer."
"Did you open it or was it already open?"
"It was already opened. I finished it off."
"YOU FINISHED IT OFF? I hope there was only one piece!"
(It was this stuff. A serving is about five or six pieces.)
"Well, what will I have for dinner? I would have chicken, but somebody ate it all."
<taking a tupperware container of something I had intended to bring to lunch at the dance intensive, which didn't end up happening because, y'know, no dance intensive>
"How many calories did you say were in here?"
"330."
"In the whole thing? I'm not going to eat the whole thing! God! This is huge!"
(Yeah, fuck you, it was meant for the middle of a 6-hour intensive. Even I know that I'm allowed to eat under those circumstances.)
"Okay."
"What is this? Brown rice?"
"Mhmm."
"Where did you get brown rice?"
"...in the cabinet."
"You cooked it?"
"...yes."
"I didn't know you could cook brown rice in the microwave!"
"You can, but I didn't."
"Wow, I didn't know you could use a stove!"
Fuck. You. You. Fucking. Asshole.
I cook all the fucking time, and that was especially true before the ED bullshit. I cook WELL. DO NOT call into question my cooking skills.
He also likes to pretend that he eats healthier foods than I do, that everything I eat is crap, and that he's a better person for it. He likes to pretend that he's in great shape because he mountain bikes a few times a week (which, admittedly, is pretty good for a 61-year-old) and that I'm in awful shape, never exercise, and am incredibly unhealthy.
Dude. Even when I binge it's on protein-rich, vegetable-filled, whole grain kind of stuff. When I'm at school I dance 20ish hours a week and workout at least three times a week on top of that. I LIKE vegetables. He won't eat broccoli, beets, cauliflower, spinach, green beans, sweet potato, or avocado. He won't eat any kind of berries unless it's in the form of a strawberry milkshake. Dude's like five pounds away from being obese.
TELL ME AGAIN HOW YOU EAT HEALTHIER FOODS THAN I DO.
TELL. ME. AGAIN.
Fuck.
You.
You.
Fucking.
Asshole.
(Also, was not lying. I ate dinner. I actually binged. On soy chicken, on a soy riblet, on brown rice and beans with vegetables. On a few tortilla chips, but literally just ate 1300 calories and 87 grams of protein. So. Y'know. It could have been a lot worse, and this protein (99 grams total today) should keep me going for a while.At 1700 calories today. Fasting starts now, going until I see 133. Will NOT be in this house more than I absolutely have to.)
Aaaaand /endrant.
Sorry, y'all.
Hope your days are skinny and lovely and filled with less annoying people than mine. <3
Let's Go Back To The Start
138 this morning.
I deserve 140s. 150s.
Whatever.
About to head to Starbucks to hide out for the day.
No food until I'm 133. That's only 5 pounds. Maybe a 3-day liquid fast? Caffeine obviously allowed.
Goals for the day:
Re-edit what I have of the novel, write 15 more pages.
Consume <400 calories in the form of caffeine.
Make it through the first chapter of Harry Potter und der Stein der Weisen (that's HP1 in German.)
If I can't be a decent person, I'll at least be a successful one. Skinny, well-read, artistic, multilingual.
Ready.Set.Go.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
180 degrees
New plan of action:
eat everything because the outsides should reflect the insides: greedy, disgusting, lazy, fat, and ugly.
(hahajk of course I just took laxatives 'cause I'm too fucking vain to let people see how disgusting I am.)
(can't do this anymore.)
eat everything because the outsides should reflect the insides: greedy, disgusting, lazy, fat, and ugly.
(hahajk of course I just took laxatives 'cause I'm too fucking vain to let people see how disgusting I am.)
(can't do this anymore.)
We're Goin' Down
I KNOW some of that is dehydration (even though I was drinking water like crazy yesterday, I get dehydrated super fast when I don't eat).
But 137.5.
That's less than I weighed a year and a half ago when I developed an ED (er, when I dove into this round of the ED. I'll give you guys my full history at some point, if you're interested).
That's a pound and a half above my lowest weight in the last fifteen months (short version: I developed a nasty b/p habit and gained).
That's only 7.5 pounds away from my first goal.
That's only 17.5 pounds away from my birthday goal. In 64 days.
Maybe I should lower that goal.
I would love to keep up this momentum by fasting (it's been 25 hours since last food).
I'm absolutely terrified that if I put one bit of solid food in my mouth, it's going to lead to a binge and un-do not only the last three days (yes, that's 4 pounds in three days!) of work, but above and beyond that.
I'm not hungry. I'm empty. I have a headache, but that can be fixed with caffeine and water.
...but I can already see myself losing muscle definition from not working out, which is Unacceptable.
I'm going to be playing caretaker Thursday and Friday, then again Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
I think, and this may be the worst plan ever, because so very much could go wrong, but I think I'll eat today, tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, and go to the gym those days. 1-2 hours cardio, 30-60 minutes strength training.
I'll fast when I'm at my grandmother's.
That might be a suicide mission, because who the hell can not eat while at a grandparent's house, but I feel so strong. If I have to eat, it'll be <100 calories of vegetables.
Food on the eating days will be <500 calories with as much protein and vegetables packed in as possible.
Every day I'll drink at least 2 mugs of green tea and 100 oz of water.
Also, if I stay under 138 tomorrow, that means I get to open my first goal polish! It's a gorgeous metallic purple, so I'm incredibly excited. Will probably post pictures once I have it on. :)
Stay skinny, ladies. <3
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