134!

2.2 pounds and 35 hours down, 4.2 pounds to go. I'm estimating 2-3 more days.
(I actually had three black beans yesterday. I was cooking them from scratch to have something to break my fast with when I get there, and had to check done-ness. I probably could have found another way, but I'm not upset about it.  I have no fucking idea how many calories are in a single black bean, but if a cup is 227, I can't imagine it's more than 1-2 per bean. So that's max 6 calories in food. I think I'll get over it.)

It helps that, unlike the 5-day fast I did over the summer, I'm actually active right now. Last night I had to teach two modern classes, which meant about an hour of dancing, an hour of walking around/demonstrating, and a 2-mile walk round trip. And abs and push-ups. I give those children an insane ab workout that I also do. Woohoo, getting paid to exercise.
Today I teach a ballet class and a 5-6 year old class, so it will be a bit less intense tonight, but it's still two hours total on my feet, a 2-mile walk, and probably something of a workout in the ballet class. I'd love to drop another 2.2 tomorrow morning, but as long as I see 132.? on the scale, I'll be ecstatic.

Been reading PrettyWreck's blog Control recently. It's been abandoned ("closed for recovery") for over two years now, but so much of what she's said resonates with me. I'm glad she's made it to recovery, and I hope she's still doing well. What are some of your favorite blogs in the community, abandoned or otherwise?

Have lovely days,
<3
--The Dancer

Fast Away The Fat

Ugh. This is fucking unacceptable. 136.2 this morning.

No food until I'm below 130. 15.5 hours down, 6.4 pounds to go.

Calories from lemon juice (in hot water) and a little soymilk (in coffee) only. Otherwise just tea, coffee, water.
Toning exercises (crunches, pushups and tricep pushups, squats and inner thigh lifts) to avoid muscle loss.

Peace out, 130s.

Challenge

Absolutely no purging until New Year's.
If I don't make it, I can't go to an audition I really want to do.
Better not fuck up.

Have lovely days, darlings.
<3
--The Dancer

134.6

I'm just tired of seeing 13-. I want 12-.
But I know I'll get there. I can feel it. I look at my body and I'm not totally disgusted. I don't think "everything's awful, this is hopeless, go stuff your face." I think, "This is getting better, and that's getting better, and there's quite a bit that still needs work, but you're getting there, darling." It's a nice change.

I ended up b/p'ing yesterday: vending machine food, flax wraps, a sweet potato, lentils, and broccoli.
On the bright side, I used the remainder of my singles in the vending machine and got rid of the only bread-type substance I bought, which means I have nothing but healthy food from here on out.
I took inventory of all the food I have left. I'm going home in 12 days and don't want to have to bring anything with me, nor do I want to buy any more food.
Made a daily eating plan for the next twelve days. Each day is around 300-400 calories divided into three "meals." If I stick to this, the only food I'll have left over is about half a bag of dried black beans, which will be easy enough to take home and cook there.

Haven't eaten yet today--been up an hour and a half and just drinking tea so far. I'll probably have a clementine soon.
Hoping to make it to the gym today, but I feel like I say that every day. If nothing else, I'm running rehearsal for the studio I teach at for an hour today, so that's a mile walk each way.


 

I really ought to go have a proper workout, though. Right now when I flex I have a little baby 2-pack and I'd love to coax the rest of those abs out of hiding. I bought this top as a Christmas gift for myself when it was on sale, but of course I need to be tinytinytiny to wear it. But no worries, I have 19 days to get there.

Bella posted a comment on my last entry asking about my relationship with K and how both of us having ED issues works out. It definitely doesn't manifest the way that most people would expect it to. Even if/when we're both very "in" the disordered headspace for ourselves (using behaviors, recovery-is-not-an-option type of place), we don't encourage ED behaviors in each other. I don't know how much she weighs, I don't know what her goal weight or goal intake is, and she doesn't know those things about me, either. We rarely workout together, because she thinks that would be triggering for her. We'll offer support to one another if one of us is upset because we've eaten, or if I'm desperately trying to avoid a b/p session, but we don't encourage restriction at all. Basically: as much as we each want our eating disorder, we don't want the other person to have one.
That's not to say that I don't have a jealous or competitive streak. I can tell when she loses weight (and anyway her ribs and hipbones already stick out so much) and I often feel inadequate next to her, which makes me want to restrict more/exercise more/generally be better, but I try not to use that as motivation, because I know she doesn't want me to, and I don't want to disrespect that.
We became close because we both have eating disorders and have both dealt with self-harm (though my issues with that seem to be in the past), but as much as possible, we try to keep our relationship out of the rabbit hole that is shared mental illness.
Sometimes I wish we could restrict or fast together or encourage each other to lose weight (or, well, I don't want to do that to her, but I'd love for her to push me that way), but that's what I have you lovelies for. <3

Apologies for the extra-long rambling about K. Hope some if it made sense, at least!
Until next time,
Stay strong, darlings.
<3
--The Dancer

Anorexic Girlfriend, Bulimic Girlfriend

(Note: we both technically fall under EDNOS, but these appear to be our current leanings).

K stayed with me for a bit. She got here around 3 on Tuesday and just left a couple of hours ago. She was supposed to be here from yesterday (Wednesday) through tomorrow (Friday), but there was a storm warning for yesterday, so she came a bit early. Which unfortunately meant that I didn't get to weigh in yesterday morning or workout yesterday or Tuesday. (Unless you count sex. Which, for the sake of not feeling like a completely sedentary lardball, I will.)
(K was here for a total of 45 hours. Total intake while she was here? Two coffees with soymilk and a bagel with hummus and vegetables, four hard ciders. Plus a b/p session between the dance classes I taught on Tuesday that she doesn't know about. All in all, she does excellent things to my ability to restrict.)
...but then she left and I had an interview that I didn't want to be loopy for so I had couscous with carrot and tomato and an apple. But then, y'know, that opened the floodgates. Had another serving of couscous and a clementine.
If I left it at that for the day and went to the gym later, that would be acceptable, but I feel a binge coming on. Of course my list of things to binge on includes the following: frozen spinach, frozen broccoli, lentils, flax wraps, tomato, carrot, cucumbers, clementines, sweet potatoes, and walnuts. Not sure how much damage I could manage with only those things. I guess if I ate all three sweet potatoes and the entire bag of walnuts.
(There's also a vending machine downstairs, but I'm trying not to think about it.)

Ugh, What I want are salt and vinegar chips and like five of those single-serving cherry pies and no-bake peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies.

These bitches. Why are they vegan? HOW are they vegan?

When my anorexic influence is gone, I turn right back to b/p.

Disgusting.

(But it makes me thinner, so hey, who gives a fuck, huh?)

<3

--The Dancer

Fatass

136 this morning.
Ugh.
I just had to eat last night, didn't I?
Nothing on Sunday until I had to go out to eat with K's family in the evening--small salad, no cheese, no dressing, only ate maybe three of the croutons.
Spent the night there, then came back to school (though we're on winter break, I'm here working/doing my senior thesis). B/p'ed and was 134 afterwards.
Had to teach a double modern class last night, so had an apple (75) and a small handful of walnuts (150). Had an even smaller handful of walnuts (50) between classes.
So I WAS at 275 and two hours of teaching dance, and that would have been absolutely perfect.

But, of course, after I came back I had a mini-binge on two apples (150) with peanut butter (400), two flax wraps (200) with avocado (300), a carrot (25), and half of a cucumber (23). 1100 calories in one sitting. ...also 39 grams of protein, which is nice and I'm sure my body appreciates it, but, like, no. Unacceptable. I could have been 134. I could have been lower.

Instead I'm 136. Fucking fatass.

It's okay.
Today will be better.
The plan is a homemade latte (60) for breakfast. Maybe two (120). Something vegetable-heavy and under 300 cal for lunch, then to the gym, then to teach two classes. I have an hour and a half break in between, so I'll probably either bring a clementine (35) or grab a sugar-free vanilla latte (120?) from the coffee shop nearby for dinner. I'm looking at between 395 and 540 cals today, but that may change.

I have 16 days until I go home. I want to be 130 then. 6 pounds in 16 days is perfectly reasonable--that's a deficit of 1312 calories a day. My BMR is 1446 (so let's say 1400), which means all I need is a net of 90 or below every day to hit that goal. Totally manageable.
(The pipe dream is 125 by the 23rd, when I have my friend's big annual holiday party where all of my friends from home will be. 11 pounds in 21 days? Maybe.)

Stay skinny, darlings.
<3
--The Dancer

I'm Back, Bitches.

Recovery?
Whoops, I think I forgot to care.

I want cheekbones and collarbones and hipbones, darlings.
I want glamour and beauty and perfection.
I want late nights and running on coffee.
I want skinny.

(135.8 this morning.)