I ate just over 1600 calories today.

I feel okay with that. 61 grams of protein.
NO junk food.
Breakfast: Oats with peanut butter and an apple, espresso with chocolate soymilk for breakfast.
Lunch: Couscous with kidney beans, tomato, and bell pepper. A peach.
Snack: 15 almonds, an orange.
Snack: 15 almonds.
Dinner: Brown rice with refried beans and tomato. 5 strawberries. Some chocolate soymilk.
Snack: A peach.

Workouts: 35 minutes on the elliptical (feeling sluggish this morning), 2 intense dance classes.
-1234 calories (according to My Fitness Pal. Let's call it -1200).

That leaves me at a net of 400 today. With a 1400 BMR, that's closer to -1000.

I'm doing well.

It's a Good Day

Slept in today. Got up at 7:30.
Breakfast. Oatmeal with more peanut butter than usual and an apple. Espresso. Mmm. 440 calories.
Elliptical for 45 minutes. -400 calories.
Modern class (2 hours). Everything seemed to click. -500ish calories.
Lunch. 1/4 cup couscous with 1/2 cup kidney beans, a tomato, and 1/2 of a bell pepper. 357 calories.
Modern class again. We chatted for the first half hour, then the rest of the class was great. Again, everything was clicking. -400ish calories.
Snack. 15 almonds, an orange. 173 calories.
Composition class. A little bit of movement, but mostly watching pieces. Got some good feedback. -80ish cal from movement.
Dinner. 1/2 cup kidney beans with a cup of steamed broccoli, a tomato, and 1/2 of a red bell pepper. 178 cal.
Went to Whole Foods to stock up on produce (I go through fruit and vegetables like crazy). Got peaches, apples, oranges, tomatoes, red bell peppers, chocolate soy milk, and a pint of cookie (soy) ice cream. Had a few spoonfuls of the ice cream when I got back. BUT LESS THAN A FULL SERVING. AND THEN I STOPPED. 126 cal there.
About an hour later, got hungry. Had a peach.

Total for the day:
Intake. 1312 calories.
Output (through exercise). 1386.
Well, then. :)

I finished a book (Atonement by Ian McEwan; fiction and lovely and well-written and you should all go read it), started another (Screendance by Douglas Rosenberg; probably not of public interest).
I've gotten back into the habit of doing crunches and push-ups when I get bored.
I started using Fitocracy again.
In exactly 31 days, I'll be on the beach. I WILL be ready.

It's a good day.

It's day two of the "People Break Up And Date Other People, Get The Fuck Over Yourself" debacle of 2013.
Didn't cry today.
Only ALMOST cried maybe... 6 or 7 times? That's... an improvement.
Keep feeling like I've been punched in the gut.

It's dumb.
We broke up. A month and a half ago. I have NO RIGHT to feel this way.
But there was always the part of me that thought, "no, this is just a bump. We'll mend our friendship this summer, get back to school, and realize we're meant to be together. We're going to end up together."
That's SO DUMB. So incredibly dumb.

But it's okay.
I think I've given up on being with anybody.
It seems like dating is just a way that I get rid of people. I'm not close with any of my exes, even the ones I was close to before we started dating.
So no more of that.
No more being with people.
Which means that I get to cultivate this air of being untouchable.
Perfect body (work in progress), perfect hair (growing it out), perfect skin (getting better), multilingual (gonna get my German and Spanish back), well-read, artistic, with a future.
I will be perfect, and I will not need anybody anymore.

So in a way, the "People Break Up And Date Other People, Get The Fuck Over Yourself" debacle of 2013 is a blessing. It means I have yet another reason to strive for perfection.

Things I Shouldn't Find Out About Through Facebook:

That my ex (of less than two months), who "still cares a lot about" me and who I'm still "good friends" with, is now in a relationship.

Dude.
Have some fucking respect.
(Or at least LIST WHO IT'S WITH. Goddamn.)

Edit: Asked him about it. To his benefit, it's not the person I was always afraid he would break up with me for... it was my second guess. And they're going to be in it for the long haul.
-sigh-
Second time now that a relationship of mine has ended only for the other person to move on pretty damn quickly to The One.
#foreveralone

I skipped breakfast today (just coffee with light chocolate soymilk) and I felt AWFUL during class.

2 hour dance classes should not be done on an empty stomach.
Right. Will keep that in mind for the future.
I want to try something for a week and see how it turns out.

My BMR is 1470.
I'm going to aim to eat 1470 calories a day.
That means that my body has exactly what it needs and I won't be tempted to binge.
That seems like a lot, I know. But remember that I'm dancing intensely at least 4 hours (usually more) every day. On top of this, I'm going to make a point of working out more--I haven't felt like I've had the energy to do so, but that's probably because I've been restricting all day and then eating shit.

My daily diet will be something like:
Breakfast: Oats with banana and peanut butter, coffee with light chocolate soymilk.
Lunch: Brown rice, refried beans, and tomato with fruit.
Dinner Beans with bell pepper and fruit.
The remaining calories will come from snacking on fruits, vegetables, and nuts.

I'll burn about 1400 calories a day through exercise if I stick to 45 minutes of the elliptical every day, which means that if I'm taking in exactly what my body needs to maintain itself, I'll still lose 2.8 lbs/week through exercise.
I have 4 and a half weeks before I'm at the beach, so that's 12.6 pounds.

This will actually start tomorrow--I feel absolutely awful, so I'm going to skip my next class (whoops) and take a nap instead, hoping that will make me feel better. That also means no working out today, because I REALLY don't want to push it and end up worse for the wear. I have four and a half more weeks near, I don't want to get sick NOW and have it linger with me.

But starting tomorrow? Eat clean, train hard, get sexy. Awwwwyeah.

Feeling Good

505 calories today.
Pretzels, 1/2 cup black beans, 2 apples.

Avoided multiple binges that I so desperately wanted.

Exercised self control.

Went grocery shopping.
Apples, bananas, strawberries, red bell peppers, tomatoes, brown rice, refried beans, peanut butter, gum, light chocolate soy milk (for coffee) and lots and lots of 0-calorie flavored sparkling waters.

I never used to be a soda person.
I'm still not, really.
But 0-calorie flavored fizzy drinks help fill me up and fight off cravings, so hell, that's what I'll do.

Daily Plan (MTThF):
Oats with peanut butter and banana for breakfast.
Elliptical 30-45 minutes.
Abs and push-ups.
Modern class.
Beans with brown rice or couscous and tomato for lunch.
Modern class.
Comp class.
Ideally no eating after that, but if I must, only raw fruits and vegetables.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 9, so if I want to workout I'm going to have to get up at 6:30, eat, get to the gym by 7:15, be done by 8, shower, and head to my meeting. Because I'll be up so long before class, I might have a snack (a piece of fruit and almonds) before class. We'll see.

You fat lump.

You fat disgusting lump of lard.

You pigbitch.

You did this to yourself.

Why the FUCK did you do this to yourself?

Bingefest started Friday night. Into Saturday. So far today I've had a few handfuls of pretzels (200?) but it's not even noon.
Plan: an orange and as much coffee and tea as I can handle.
Didn't go to any classes yesterday. Not going to any today.

Fat fuck.
Fat disgusting fuck.

So it goes?
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is Monday.
I'm going grocery shopping today (van out to cheap super market, none of this expensive Whole Foods shit). Lots of fruits and vegetables. LOTS. If I binge on fruits and vegetables, there's only so much damage I can do, right?

-sigh-

I hate myself.