Monday, September 2, 2013

Commitment To Change

I just studied myself, naked, in the mirror for a solid twenty minutes.

I drew where I want my next tattoo.
The one that I told myself I'd get when I stopped cutting. (It will be two months on the 10th.)
I don't know when I'll be able to afford it, but I think I'm ready to get it.

I think I'm ready to recover.
(Typing that sent a serious wave of panic through me. I want to erase it. I want erase this whole post and declare the start of a 4-day fast and make myself tiny.)
So let's not say "recover."
Let's say "put my methods more in line with my goals."
Let's say "stop being at war with my body."
Let's say "my body is not a battlefield; it is my weapon."
Let's say that weapon needs to be upgraded.
Let's say I am upgrading my weapon.

Let's say that I keep lifting weights like I (re-)started last week. Let's say that I keep running.
Let's say that I aim for 100-120 grams of protein every day, and let's acknowledge that that means a higher intake than I'd like.
But let's also acknowledge that a week of that, even with the food fests over the weekend, may not have moved the scale (I'm afraid to look), but definitely changed the makeup of my body. I flex my abs and see muscle. I have a waist that goes in.

I will never be dainty. I know that. I have always known that. I have always known that I will be disappointed. I'm just too muscular. My art, the way that I want to approach my art, requires me to be muscular.
I cannot become dainty at the expense of dance.

And so this is a commitment to change.
It's been one month and one day since I last purged.
It's been almost two months since I last cut.
It's been 19 hours since I last ate (whoops), but I'm making cauliflower crust pizza tonight so that will change soon.
From here on out, health. I will strive for health, strength, speed, and stamina in relation to my body, and I will not fool myself into thinking that cutting, purging, or fasting will help me achieve those goals.

Stay strong.


  1. This was such a wonderfully positive post to read! I like the way you're looking at things. Becoming dainty isn't the be-all-end-all. Strong and muscular can also be lean and small, I know you know that. I can't wait to read more about your new healthy lifestyle, and I truly hope you can achieve your goals.


  2. first, thanks for your comments. they make me happy :D
    then, YES. i like that attitude woman!
    muscle is very attractive, and you need it to be a dancer anyways. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you striving for that goal, and it's probably even better than what the rest of us are doing.
    "upgrading my weapon" that killed me :]
    also, congrats on the purge/cut freeness (i didn't know how to say that).
    i'm proud of you.
    i want to give you a hug :D

  3. This is fantastic, good luck sweetie <3
    Alice xx

  4. awwwwwwwww
    (Typing that sent a serious wave of panic through me. I want to erase it. I want erase this whole post and declare the start of a 4-day fast and make myself tiny.) <--I've felt this before so much omg
    the thing about recovery is that people think that when you recover, you automatically gain 5 kilos of weight and keep on gaining back to your high weight. it's not like that. when I started recovery, I was 157.6, and hit 165lbs during it, but then started losing and now, I am at 143.4lbs and I can lose weight off a normal intake. I don't binge anymore. I can't physically hold in that much food in me. that's the best part about recovery for me. no binging.
    oh and food. food is the best.
    "I cannot become dainty at the expense of dance." awwww you are lovely. this makes me want to die.
    I love this.
    I love how you ended off with Stay strong. took on a completely different meaning my love
    good luck.
    this is an empowering post. I hope you go through with it. I hope you recover, because you deserve to!

    -Sam Lupin

  5. You are so brave, I admire your courage and comminment! I want to be like you!

    I will keep comimg back to your wonderful blog for encouragement.

    Thank you so much!