Thursday, February 27, 2014


I've been so stressed/crazed/busy/exhausted this week that I decided I was going to let myself do whatever the hell I wanted, food-wise.
Apparently that's a couple of sensible, healthy meals, lots of restriction, and three instances of b/p.

No b/p allowed today. I always feel it the next day, and I have a four-hour solo rehearsal tomorrow, so... nope.

So far today have had 16 oz of soymilk and an apple. Planning on 12 oz of soymilk and an apple for lunch, and raw vegetables for dinner. Under 600 today.
(There's the little voice in the back of my head that says if I stick to 600 a day, I'm at a deficit to lose 2.5 pounds/week of actual weight, not just water.)
(Just food for thought.)

(Maybe I'll...)
(Maybe I could...)

Scale said 133.4 this morning. Lowest in a while. Hit 131 three and a half weeks ago.
Still haven't been under 130 for a couple of years now.
I want it back.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Let's Go.

I stand before you at 134 pounds and pretty happy with myself, my body, and my weight.
(Since when?)

Ballet still makes me panic, and thinking about auditioning for professional companies still makes me panic and want to starve or b/p.
But for the most part, I'm okay with myself. I have a little bit of visible ab muscle, my legs are large but muscular and I'm closer to a thigh gap than I've ever been in my life, and my upper body is approaching something that could be called strong.

But I'm afraid of leaving this mindset. I'm afraid that, as soon as I try to step into the professional dance world, I'm going to panic and hardcore relapse.

My first big audition is in seven weeks.
I think that, maybe, if I'm a healthy 125 pounds by then, I won't panic. I won't freak out.

So I have 7 weeks to lose 9 pounds.
That's about 1.3 pounds a week, or an average deficit of 650 calories/day. I'll aim for a daily deficit of 700 calories, just to be safe. I calculated my BMR to be 2235, so a 700 calorie deficit would be eating 1535/day.
(I know that number probably seems unimaginable to most of you girls.)
(But it's the "healthy" way of doing things.)

Of course, that's not a 1535-calorie free-for-all.
That's clean eating only. Nothing packaged, nothing sugary. A goal of 90-100 grams of protein every day.
That's every bite recorded, no exceptions.
That's 100 oz of water every day, no excuses.
That's six hours of technique class and ten to fourteen hours of rehearsal every week.
After my thesis is due (final draft this Friday), that's the gym every day to either lift or run/elliptical.
That's finally privileging my body and its needs so that it works for me.
That is going to make me great.
(It's not quite "health" but it's close enough.)

Love and coffee.
--The Dancer

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I've been trying really hard recently to pretend that I'm a normal, functional person. Eating, going to the gym, only weighing myself every few days (135.2: only a 2 pound gain in two weeks of being "normal").

Here's a short list of things that normal people don't do:
Leave ballet class in tears because they caught sight of themselves in the mirror and can't be in their bodies anymore and then skip class to b/p.


Wednesday, February 5, 2014


Losing, just not fast enough.

Still determined to be in the 120s by Saturday.
It'll happen, don't even worry.

Infinite coffee,
--The Dancer