Saturday, December 21, 2013

Doing Better

I didn't want the most recent post on this blog to be that last one.
Yesterday was... interesting. Spent more or less the whole day curled up in bed, alternating shaking/sobbing and watching Netflix to distract myself. I'd like to not repeat that, but I feel like somehow my grasp on wanting to live is suddenly very, very tenuous.
I'm making large woven thread bracelets for both of my wrists so that they stop itching for sensation.

Ate last night.
Ate a LOT last night.
137.5 this morning. I don't have the energy to be disgusted at that number, I just need to change it, and fast. Hoping to drop half a pound a day so I can get down to 130.5 when I head back to school.
If every day were like today, I'd be able to do even better.
(I say that now. It's only 7 pm. A binge is still possible.)
Breakfast was coffee with sweetener and vanilla extract.
Two hour gym session (3 mile run, weights machines, 45 minutes elliptical, 20 minute abs/stretching) for a 700-750 calorie burn.
Shower, internet, then dinner: tofu and veggie stir-fry (cooked in olive oil [was cooking for parents, too, so this had to happen] with soy sauce, lemon juice, and garlic) with a little (about 1/2 cup) wild rice my dad had already made. Intake for the day is about 300 calories, which is leaving me with a 400-450 calorie deficit.
Ideally I won't eat again this evening.
(I say that every evening.)

The plan for tomorrow is to be up earlyish and have a breakfast of oatmeal and coffee with sweetener (who knew there were 12 calories in a teaspoon of vanilla extract? Not making THAT mistake again.), then hit the gym for a as-long-as-you-can-last run (hoping for at least 4 miles, hence breakfast beforehand), some lower body work, more elliptical, and a nice long stretch.

I just got a dress that I ordered. It's long, Old Hollywood style emerald green velvet.
And I just tried it on, and it is sexy as fuck. It's also super, super clingy (but somehow forgiving of "curves"), so I know I need to work on my stomach.
But other than that... damn.
I'm wearing it on February 8th for my school's Midwinter Ball.
I want popping collar bones, toned arms, and a flat stomach. The dress already looks lovely, but these things will make it even better.
(And cheekbones. Toying with the idea of a black birdcage veil with it, which would really only look right with cheekbones.)
...I'm sorry. That was such a tangent. You just have no idea how excited I am for this dress. It was sold out FOREVER and I got the last one in my size when it came back. (On sale, too. BAM.)

Where was I?
Oh, yes. No more food tonight (or fruit. maybe some fruit), long run tomorrow, lots of protein.

Basically: today has been better.
Like, so much better. I'm not sure how long the "better" will last before the "awful" comes back, but oh well. Just going to try to stay busy and make it to the gym every day to help out with keeping the "better" here.

I love you all and hope you're having wonderful days.
--The Dancer

Friday, December 20, 2013

Ugh I should have just fucking b/p'd when my parents were out of the house earlier but I talked myself down from it then.
Now I'm just pissed and frustrated and want to scream and punch things and b/p an entire kitchen's worth of food.
I can't even just binge and take laxatives because today is a fasting day.
Haha, that's right.
My dad decided to try Intermittent Fasting and I saw it as an opportunity to not eat a few days a week without having to hide that fact so I said I'd do it with him, and today is a fasting day.

I hate being here.
Less than 24 hours after getting home I started cutting again and fantasizing about dying. (Not suicidal. Not really.)
I'm twenty-fucking-one years old and just reaching the rebellious teenage I-hate-you phase of my relationship with my parents.

I don't want to talk about how fat I am.
I don't want to talk about how much I've eaten recently.
I don't want to talk about how I'm too lazy to go exercise today and about how I'm just really fucking hungry.
I don't want to do my thesis.
I don't want to read blogs or books or watch Netflix.
I just want to die. My wrists itch where I would slice them to do it. That kind of itch that won't go away--like when you step on a crack with one foot, and the other foot gets an itch that tells you you need to step on a crack with it?
The kind of itch that needs a sensation. That tells you you need to do something to it. maybe a little suicidal. That was quick.

Fucking hell. 48 hours down, 354 to go.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I've been here before...

What's the correct thing to do when you've hit a new low weight? Why, binge it all away, of course.
7000 calories on Wednesday. I didn't purge, because I was going to Beat Purging.
More binging on Thursday. I didn't purge, because I was going to Beat Purging.
Friday morning, a weight that shall not be named. No food all day, just coffee and sugar-free vanilla lattes, then Chinese takeout for dinner. I finally purged. Then more of the same. I purged three times on Friday.
I purged once yesterday. Sort of. I tried. Not much but water and bile came up, which makes absoltely no sense.
Then I ate 350 calories of junk in the evening. Good life choices, obviously.

Back up/down to 134.2. I've been here before. It's not as bad as it could be, but it's not as good as I was. Hoping for 133.? tomorrow, 132.? on Tuesday, 131.? on Wednesday when I go home. Just downdowndown. Always downdowndown.

Down, down, down
On my own
Come on, hang the devil's son
I'll die alone

Stay strong, lovelies.

--The Dancer

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

New Low

132.4. Down 1.6 pounds from yesterday.
...but I would be lying if I said I had maintained the fast. I didn't binge, but I ate. 1 cup of black beans (227) and a roma tomato (13) around 3:45. At 4:30, I had to leave to walk to work, taught two dance classes (though I did have a break in between), and walked back, getting home around 8:15.

I'm glad that I ate. Given how many moments of weakness I felt during class, I'm about 97% sure that, had I not eaten, I either would have passed out at work or on the 1-mile, snowy, sub-0 temperature walk each way. (That's sub-0-Fahrenheit. -18 Celsius, I believe.)
And I'm still 132.4 this morning. I haven't been this weight in over a year and a half.

5.4 pounds away from my lowest weight ever.
10 pounds lower than what I was maintaining most of last year.
Almost 20 pounds lower than my highest weight ever.

Less than 20 pounds away from my current UGW (113).

Holy fucking hell, guys.

But here's something else: I want to be tiny, but I also want to be ripped. Abs, guns, a great back, you name it. Small but strong, and visibly so. I think the plan right now, then, is to continue restriction/cardio/general fat loss until I go home (one more week). When I get home, I'll focus more on body recomposition. Strength training and lots of protein, with a couple days of endurance work thrown in every week. I have two and a half weeks at home before term starts again, so hopefully that will be enough to build a bit of extra muscle. A four-pack by the end of the year? Sounds possible.

Stay strong, lovelies.
--The Dancer

Edit: I just came across this and it made me smile. A lot. Hope it can make your days a little happier, too.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mantra of the Moment

If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey and potentially GET Ailey and get to spend the summer in NYC (haha, like I can afford that anyway) and potentially do their professional program from that and potentially get invited to audition for the actual company.
If I b/p, all of that is taken away.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I'm just fucking myself over.
If I b/p, I'm destroying my dream.
If I b/p, there is no possibility. There is just no.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.

(Would I actually follow through with that? Like, really? Would I? Would I take away my own future because I b/p?)
(I have to believe that I would, because otherwise, peace out, fast. Peace out, almost 3-days-purge-free.)

If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.


2.2 pounds and 35 hours down, 4.2 pounds to go. I'm estimating 2-3 more days.
(I actually had three black beans yesterday. I was cooking them from scratch to have something to break my fast with when I get there, and had to check done-ness. I probably could have found another way, but I'm not upset about it.  I have no fucking idea how many calories are in a single black bean, but if a cup is 227, I can't imagine it's more than 1-2 per bean. So that's max 6 calories in food. I think I'll get over it.)

It helps that, unlike the 5-day fast I did over the summer, I'm actually active right now. Last night I had to teach two modern classes, which meant about an hour of dancing, an hour of walking around/demonstrating, and a 2-mile walk round trip. And abs and push-ups. I give those children an insane ab workout that I also do. Woohoo, getting paid to exercise.
Today I teach a ballet class and a 5-6 year old class, so it will be a bit less intense tonight, but it's still two hours total on my feet, a 2-mile walk, and probably something of a workout in the ballet class. I'd love to drop another 2.2 tomorrow morning, but as long as I see 132.? on the scale, I'll be ecstatic.

Been reading PrettyWreck's blog Control recently. It's been abandoned ("closed for recovery") for over two years now, but so much of what she's said resonates with me. I'm glad she's made it to recovery, and I hope she's still doing well. What are some of your favorite blogs in the community, abandoned or otherwise?

Have lovely days,
--The Dancer

Monday, December 9, 2013

Fast Away The Fat

Ugh. This is fucking unacceptable. 136.2 this morning.

No food until I'm below 130. 15.5 hours down, 6.4 pounds to go.

Calories from lemon juice (in hot water) and a little soymilk (in coffee) only. Otherwise just tea, coffee, water.
Toning exercises (crunches, pushups and tricep pushups, squats and inner thigh lifts) to avoid muscle loss.

Peace out, 130s.

Sunday, December 8, 2013


Absolutely no purging until New Year's.
If I don't make it, I can't go to an audition I really want to do.
Better not fuck up.

Have lovely days, darlings.
--The Dancer

Friday, December 6, 2013


I'm just tired of seeing 13-. I want 12-.
But I know I'll get there. I can feel it. I look at my body and I'm not totally disgusted. I don't think "everything's awful, this is hopeless, go stuff your face." I think, "This is getting better, and that's getting better, and there's quite a bit that still needs work, but you're getting there, darling." It's a nice change.

I ended up b/p'ing yesterday: vending machine food, flax wraps, a sweet potato, lentils, and broccoli.
On the bright side, I used the remainder of my singles in the vending machine and got rid of the only bread-type substance I bought, which means I have nothing but healthy food from here on out.
I took inventory of all the food I have left. I'm going home in 12 days and don't want to have to bring anything with me, nor do I want to buy any more food.
Made a daily eating plan for the next twelve days. Each day is around 300-400 calories divided into three "meals." If I stick to this, the only food I'll have left over is about half a bag of dried black beans, which will be easy enough to take home and cook there.

Haven't eaten yet today--been up an hour and a half and just drinking tea so far. I'll probably have a clementine soon.
Hoping to make it to the gym today, but I feel like I say that every day. If nothing else, I'm running rehearsal for the studio I teach at for an hour today, so that's a mile walk each way.

I really ought to go have a proper workout, though. Right now when I flex I have a little baby 2-pack and I'd love to coax the rest of those abs out of hiding. I bought this top as a Christmas gift for myself when it was on sale, but of course I need to be tinytinytiny to wear it. But no worries, I have 19 days to get there.

Bella posted a comment on my last entry asking about my relationship with K and how both of us having ED issues works out. It definitely doesn't manifest the way that most people would expect it to. Even if/when we're both very "in" the disordered headspace for ourselves (using behaviors, recovery-is-not-an-option type of place), we don't encourage ED behaviors in each other. I don't know how much she weighs, I don't know what her goal weight or goal intake is, and she doesn't know those things about me, either. We rarely workout together, because she thinks that would be triggering for her. We'll offer support to one another if one of us is upset because we've eaten, or if I'm desperately trying to avoid a b/p session, but we don't encourage restriction at all. Basically: as much as we each want our eating disorder, we don't want the other person to have one.
That's not to say that I don't have a jealous or competitive streak. I can tell when she loses weight (and anyway her ribs and hipbones already stick out so much) and I often feel inadequate next to her, which makes me want to restrict more/exercise more/generally be better, but I try not to use that as motivation, because I know she doesn't want me to, and I don't want to disrespect that.
We became close because we both have eating disorders and have both dealt with self-harm (though my issues with that seem to be in the past), but as much as possible, we try to keep our relationship out of the rabbit hole that is shared mental illness.
Sometimes I wish we could restrict or fast together or encourage each other to lose weight (or, well, I don't want to do that to her, but I'd love for her to push me that way), but that's what I have you lovelies for. <3

Apologies for the extra-long rambling about K. Hope some if it made sense, at least!
Until next time,
Stay strong, darlings.
--The Dancer

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Anorexic Girlfriend, Bulimic Girlfriend

(Note: we both technically fall under EDNOS, but these appear to be our current leanings).

K stayed with me for a bit. She got here around 3 on Tuesday and just left a couple of hours ago. She was supposed to be here from yesterday (Wednesday) through tomorrow (Friday), but there was a storm warning for yesterday, so she came a bit early. Which unfortunately meant that I didn't get to weigh in yesterday morning or workout yesterday or Tuesday. (Unless you count sex. Which, for the sake of not feeling like a completely sedentary lardball, I will.)
(K was here for a total of 45 hours. Total intake while she was here? Two coffees with soymilk and a bagel with hummus and vegetables, four hard ciders. Plus a b/p session between the dance classes I taught on Tuesday that she doesn't know about. All in all, she does excellent things to my ability to restrict.)
...but then she left and I had an interview that I didn't want to be loopy for so I had couscous with carrot and tomato and an apple. But then, y'know, that opened the floodgates. Had another serving of couscous and a clementine.
If I left it at that for the day and went to the gym later, that would be acceptable, but I feel a binge coming on. Of course my list of things to binge on includes the following: frozen spinach, frozen broccoli, lentils, flax wraps, tomato, carrot, cucumbers, clementines, sweet potatoes, and walnuts. Not sure how much damage I could manage with only those things. I guess if I ate all three sweet potatoes and the entire bag of walnuts.
(There's also a vending machine downstairs, but I'm trying not to think about it.)

Ugh, What I want are salt and vinegar chips and like five of those single-serving cherry pies and no-bake peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies.
These bitches. Why are they vegan? HOW are they vegan?

When my anorexic influence is gone, I turn right back to b/p.

(But it makes me thinner, so hey, who gives a fuck, huh?)

--The Dancer

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


136 this morning.
I just had to eat last night, didn't I?
Nothing on Sunday until I had to go out to eat with K's family in the evening--small salad, no cheese, no dressing, only ate maybe three of the croutons.
Spent the night there, then came back to school (though we're on winter break, I'm here working/doing my senior thesis). B/p'ed and was 134 afterwards.
Had to teach a double modern class last night, so had an apple (75) and a small handful of walnuts (150). Had an even smaller handful of walnuts (50) between classes.
So I WAS at 275 and two hours of teaching dance, and that would have been absolutely perfect.

But, of course, after I came back I had a mini-binge on two apples (150) with peanut butter (400), two flax wraps (200) with avocado (300), a carrot (25), and half of a cucumber (23). 1100 calories in one sitting. ...also 39 grams of protein, which is nice and I'm sure my body appreciates it, but, like, no. Unacceptable. I could have been 134. I could have been lower.

Instead I'm 136. Fucking fatass.

It's okay.
Today will be better.
The plan is a homemade latte (60) for breakfast. Maybe two (120). Something vegetable-heavy and under 300 cal for lunch, then to the gym, then to teach two classes. I have an hour and a half break in between, so I'll probably either bring a clementine (35) or grab a sugar-free vanilla latte (120?) from the coffee shop nearby for dinner. I'm looking at between 395 and 540 cals today, but that may change.

I have 16 days until I go home. I want to be 130 then. 6 pounds in 16 days is perfectly reasonable--that's a deficit of 1312 calories a day. My BMR is 1446 (so let's say 1400), which means all I need is a net of 90 or below every day to hit that goal. Totally manageable.
(The pipe dream is 125 by the 23rd, when I have my friend's big annual holiday party where all of my friends from home will be. 11 pounds in 21 days? Maybe.)

Stay skinny, darlings.
--The Dancer

Sunday, December 1, 2013

I'm Back, Bitches.

Whoops, I think I forgot to care.

I want cheekbones and collarbones and hipbones, darlings.
I want glamour and beauty and perfection.
I want late nights and running on coffee.
I want skinny.

(135.8 this morning.)