Friday, June 28, 2013

I ate just over 1600 calories today.

I feel okay with that. 61 grams of protein.
NO junk food.
Breakfast: Oats with peanut butter and an apple, espresso with chocolate soymilk for breakfast.
Lunch: Couscous with kidney beans, tomato, and bell pepper. A peach.
Snack: 15 almonds, an orange.
Snack: 15 almonds.
Dinner: Brown rice with refried beans and tomato. 5 strawberries. Some chocolate soymilk.
Snack: A peach.

Workouts: 35 minutes on the elliptical (feeling sluggish this morning), 2 intense dance classes.
-1234 calories (according to My Fitness Pal. Let's call it -1200).

That leaves me at a net of 400 today. With a 1400 BMR, that's closer to -1000.

I'm doing well.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

It's a Good Day

Slept in today. Got up at 7:30.
Breakfast. Oatmeal with more peanut butter than usual and an apple. Espresso. Mmm. 440 calories.
Elliptical for 45 minutes. -400 calories.
Modern class (2 hours). Everything seemed to click. -500ish calories.
Lunch. 1/4 cup couscous with 1/2 cup kidney beans, a tomato, and 1/2 of a bell pepper. 357 calories.
Modern class again. We chatted for the first half hour, then the rest of the class was great. Again, everything was clicking. -400ish calories.
Snack. 15 almonds, an orange. 173 calories.
Composition class. A little bit of movement, but mostly watching pieces. Got some good feedback. -80ish cal from movement.
Dinner. 1/2 cup kidney beans with a cup of steamed broccoli, a tomato, and 1/2 of a red bell pepper. 178 cal.
Went to Whole Foods to stock up on produce (I go through fruit and vegetables like crazy). Got peaches, apples, oranges, tomatoes, red bell peppers, chocolate soy milk, and a pint of cookie (soy) ice cream. Had a few spoonfuls of the ice cream when I got back. BUT LESS THAN A FULL SERVING. AND THEN I STOPPED. 126 cal there.
About an hour later, got hungry. Had a peach.

Total for the day:
Intake. 1312 calories.
Output (through exercise). 1386.
Well, then. :)

I finished a book (Atonement by Ian McEwan; fiction and lovely and well-written and you should all go read it), started another (Screendance by Douglas Rosenberg; probably not of public interest).
I've gotten back into the habit of doing crunches and push-ups when I get bored.
I started using Fitocracy again.
In exactly 31 days, I'll be on the beach. I WILL be ready.

It's a good day.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

It's day two of the "People Break Up And Date Other People, Get The Fuck Over Yourself" debacle of 2013.
Didn't cry today.
Only ALMOST cried maybe... 6 or 7 times? That's... an improvement.
Keep feeling like I've been punched in the gut.

It's dumb.
We broke up. A month and a half ago. I have NO RIGHT to feel this way.
But there was always the part of me that thought, "no, this is just a bump. We'll mend our friendship this summer, get back to school, and realize we're meant to be together. We're going to end up together."
That's SO DUMB. So incredibly dumb.

But it's okay.
I think I've given up on being with anybody.
It seems like dating is just a way that I get rid of people. I'm not close with any of my exes, even the ones I was close to before we started dating.
So no more of that.
No more being with people.
Which means that I get to cultivate this air of being untouchable.
Perfect body (work in progress), perfect hair (growing it out), perfect skin (getting better), multilingual (gonna get my German and Spanish back), well-read, artistic, with a future.
I will be perfect, and I will not need anybody anymore.

So in a way, the "People Break Up And Date Other People, Get The Fuck Over Yourself" debacle of 2013 is a blessing. It means I have yet another reason to strive for perfection.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Things I Shouldn't Find Out About Through Facebook:

That my ex (of less than two months), who "still cares a lot about" me and who I'm still "good friends" with, is now in a relationship.

Have some fucking respect.
(Or at least LIST WHO IT'S WITH. Goddamn.)

Edit: Asked him about it. To his benefit, it's not the person I was always afraid he would break up with me for... it was my second guess. And they're going to be in it for the long haul.
Second time now that a relationship of mine has ended only for the other person to move on pretty damn quickly to The One.
I skipped breakfast today (just coffee with light chocolate soymilk) and I felt AWFUL during class.

2 hour dance classes should not be done on an empty stomach.
Right. Will keep that in mind for the future.
I want to try something for a week and see how it turns out.

My BMR is 1470.
I'm going to aim to eat 1470 calories a day.
That means that my body has exactly what it needs and I won't be tempted to binge.
That seems like a lot, I know. But remember that I'm dancing intensely at least 4 hours (usually more) every day. On top of this, I'm going to make a point of working out more--I haven't felt like I've had the energy to do so, but that's probably because I've been restricting all day and then eating shit.

My daily diet will be something like:
Breakfast: Oats with banana and peanut butter, coffee with light chocolate soymilk.
Lunch: Brown rice, refried beans, and tomato with fruit.
Dinner Beans with bell pepper and fruit.
The remaining calories will come from snacking on fruits, vegetables, and nuts.

I'll burn about 1400 calories a day through exercise if I stick to 45 minutes of the elliptical every day, which means that if I'm taking in exactly what my body needs to maintain itself, I'll still lose 2.8 lbs/week through exercise.
I have 4 and a half weeks before I'm at the beach, so that's 12.6 pounds.

This will actually start tomorrow--I feel absolutely awful, so I'm going to skip my next class (whoops) and take a nap instead, hoping that will make me feel better. That also means no working out today, because I REALLY don't want to push it and end up worse for the wear. I have four and a half more weeks near, I don't want to get sick NOW and have it linger with me.

But starting tomorrow? Eat clean, train hard, get sexy. Awwwwyeah.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Feeling Good

505 calories today.
Pretzels, 1/2 cup black beans, 2 apples.

Avoided multiple binges that I so desperately wanted.

Exercised self control.

Went grocery shopping.
Apples, bananas, strawberries, red bell peppers, tomatoes, brown rice, refried beans, peanut butter, gum, light chocolate soy milk (for coffee) and lots and lots of 0-calorie flavored sparkling waters.

I never used to be a soda person.
I'm still not, really.
But 0-calorie flavored fizzy drinks help fill me up and fight off cravings, so hell, that's what I'll do.

Daily Plan (MTThF):
Oats with peanut butter and banana for breakfast.
Elliptical 30-45 minutes.
Abs and push-ups.
Modern class.
Beans with brown rice or couscous and tomato for lunch.
Modern class.
Comp class.
Ideally no eating after that, but if I must, only raw fruits and vegetables.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at 9, so if I want to workout I'm going to have to get up at 6:30, eat, get to the gym by 7:15, be done by 8, shower, and head to my meeting. Because I'll be up so long before class, I might have a snack (a piece of fruit and almonds) before class. We'll see.

You fat lump.

You fat disgusting lump of lard.

You pigbitch.

You did this to yourself.

Why the FUCK did you do this to yourself?

Bingefest started Friday night. Into Saturday. So far today I've had a few handfuls of pretzels (200?) but it's not even noon.
Plan: an orange and as much coffee and tea as I can handle.
Didn't go to any classes yesterday. Not going to any today.

Fat fuck.
Fat disgusting fuck.

So it goes?
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is Monday.
I'm going grocery shopping today (van out to cheap super market, none of this expensive Whole Foods shit). Lots of fruits and vegetables. LOTS. If I binge on fruits and vegetables, there's only so much damage I can do, right?


I hate myself.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Negative and Positive

I found a scale today.
It's one of those doctor balance scales.
It's in the women's locker room of the gym on campus.


I wanted to cry.

BUT here's the thing.
142.5 after breakfast (1/2 cup oats, 1 tbsp peanut butter, an apple).
142.5 after 36 oz of water.
142.5 after a mini-binge last night (multiple apples with peanut butter, HUGE serving of couscous and beans).

I won't get a chance to weigh myself first thing in the morning until Monday, when I'll do it before breakfast.
Assuming my actual, empty weight is 140, I'm going to work to be under 139 when I weigh in again.
The 130s just feel so much better.
(I like the 120s best of all. But that's a ways in the future.)

As long as I don't have any more stupid mini-binges, I'll definitely be able to make it. It's too important not to.

How are you girls feeling about your goals?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I Am Strong

I am strong.
I am a fighter.
I feed my body only good food, and only what it needs.
I have a workout routine established that starts today.

I will rise from the ashes of my own weakness and I will bottle those ashes, keep them in an urn on my mantelpiece so I will always be reminded that there is where I have bottled my weakness. There is where I have cordoned off my fear. There is where my failure has found its final resting place.

Breakfast (8 am): 1/3 cup oats w/ 1 tbsp peanut butter, an apple. Tea. (260 cal)
Lunch (12:20 pm): 1 cup couscous with beans, a tomato. (300 cal). An apple with probably three tablespoons of peanut butter. (330 cal).
Dinner (6 pm): Couscous with beans, half of a red pepper. (290 cal).
Total: 1175 cal.
BMR: -1450
Exercise: 2 2-hour dance classes (one easy, one hard). -750 cal.
Crunches/pushups/etc. -100 cal.
Net: -1125. On track to lose 2.25 lbs/week.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I want a scale.
I want a tape measurer.
I want a mirror in one of these studios so I can see if I've suddenly become a worse dancer or if I'm the same as I always was, and that's just not as good as I thought.
(Auditions for 10 more projects last night. Rejected from 7, haven't heard about the final three.)

No dance today, so no food today. Will probably go to the gym later.

Feeling hopeless again, but I know I'll bounce back.
I'm here to learn. I'm here to improve. I'm here to become the absolute best, strongest dancer I can be, and the mental game is a huge part of that.
I was rejected. Whatever. I'll try again. These aren't the auditions that matter--the ones that matter happen next year.

I will perfect my workout routine this summer, I will transform my ED into something that works for me, and I will become pure muscle. I will learn to be a better mover, I will learn to be a better choreographer, and I will take absolutely every opportunity that comes my way to become a better audition-er.

I will learn to drive when I get home. (20 and no license? Whoops.) I will renew my passport (whoops) and brush up on my German and work on that dream of one day dancing in Berlin. You need to be international in this game.

I will make it.
I will not let this get me down.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Feeling Better

I feel like I should prove to whoever's reading this that I'm not ALL doom and gloom lately.
After the dance-related break down, I had a pretty successful day.
Went to the airport to get a bag that hadn't made it on my flight. (Of course, it was the bag with all of my dance stuff. Fucking typical.) While I was there I had a 290 calorie pack of trail mix (just nuts and fruit) and a cup of coffee with sugar. First time I had eaten today (except for two shots of espresso this morning).
Got back, hung around reading blogs and texting D for a while then went grocery shopping, because apparently I go through fruit an nuts like a madwoman. Plus, parents had just sent me money for the summer, so I could afford to splurge on some food a bit. (I know I'm spoiled. I don't like using their money, but I'm an only child that they had when they were relatively old, so they're really hyper vigilant about making sure I have enough of everything. I feel guilty about it, I do, but I can't really do anything about it.)
So got apples, oranges, more almonds, some sugar snap peas, hummus, oats, and reduced calorie chocolate almond milk. And then. Oh god. The Whole Foods here has "make your own trail mix" bar. Spent WAY too much money there, but came out with a trail mix full of raw pumpkin seeds, roasted sunflower seeds, dried papaya, raisins, dried pineapple, and dark chocolate. When I got home I mixed that with some almonds and roasted soynuts and I'm SO EXCITED to have a small handful at the end of my day to fight off cravings.
...after that, though, I snooped around the rest of the bakery/prepared foods area. Walked out with a single-serving bag of black pepper and sea salt chips, a container of falafel with tahini, and a slice of chocolate cake.
Ate three of the pieces of falafel, the chips, and about 3/4s of the cake with peanut butter, and then had the quickest purging session I've ever managed. Took 5 laxatives and Ripped Fuel afterwards to get out anything I missed.

I feel bad about the binge/purge. I literally just flushed about $10 down the drain.
But here's the thing. A few months ago, the binge would have been all five of the falafel in the container, the ENTIRE cake, plus a few more spoonfuls of peanut butter, plus half of the trail mix. I was even TRYING to get through the whole cake, because it seemed like a pre-determined stopping point, and I just COULDN'T.
So I think my stomach is shrinking, and I couldn't be happier.
(I didn't look too bad after the purge, either. I'm usually still pretty bloated with water.)

Have done 200 crunches so far today, working on more. Chugging water still. In about an hour I'll have espresso with a little bit of chocolate almond milk, then get ready and head to a performance. Home, shower, sleep, and start tomorrow with a better outlook and a smaller waistline.

Hang in there, lovelies. You will be okay. We all will.

Edit: Coffee didn't sit right. Had 20 snap peas with hummus (88 cal) and a couple small handfuls of that trail mix (200?) so settle my stomach.
Intake for the day (that I kept down): 290 cal trail mix, 88 cal snap peas and hummus, 200 cal trail mix. Sugar in coffee.
400 crunches, 1 hour of dance.
Not bad.


I'm not doing well, you guys.
(Not that I think there's anyone reading this. But. Y'know.)

 Went to a modern class this morning. I could just feel myself shutting down. Not doing well, not absorbing what the teacher was saying, not catching on to any of the combinations. So I left forty minutes early and now I'm sitting in my room crying and typing this.

I thought about suicide again last night for the first time in months.
Everything just seems so impossible to get through right now.
I don't want to be here. I'm just feeling worse and worse about myself with every passing day and I have no one to talk to. The only person I've ever felt comfortable being vulnerable in front of is my ex, D, and even though we're "still friends" he's doing really well right now and is incredibly happy and I don't want to bug him with this stuff. I texted him last night when I found out I didn't get any callbacks, and he gave the pretty standard "you can do it, don't give up" answer, which was nice, but... y'know. I know he doesn't really care. I know he has his own things and his own great life that I'm not a part of.

K has gone to Spain to do the Camino de Santiago, so she's unreachable for six weeks. And besides, I don't like opening up to her.

So it's six weeks of this dance festival in which I'm awful and hate myself and just keep feeling worse and worse, then a week at the beach with my parents who are going to be impossible, then a month at home doing nothing but getting fat, then back to school, but what's the fucking point because if I can't even get a callback, why should I keep studying dance? It's my senior year. I'm going to end up graduated and unemployed and hopeless and I might as well just die now and get it over with.

...on the bright side, I was just apparently retaining a hell of a lot of water from all of the muscle soreness/dehydration, and I've definitely not ACTUALLY gotten fatter. I might have even lost a bit of weight. Not enough.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I didn't get callbacks to any auditions.
It's probably because I'm a fat ugly pigbitch, and no one wants to see that on stage.
Whatever. No auditions tomorrow=no food tomorrow. I'll be too light and floaty to care.

I swear to fucking god I've gotten fatter.
(Maybe that entire box of Ritz peanut butter and chocolate sandwiches? Maybe the three-pound bag of apples you demolished in two day? Maybemaybemaybe your fat ass has what's coming to it?)

Ugh. Fucking hell.
Fat fucking hell.

I hate myself. There is nothing redeeming about me.
I am disgusting.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

And again.

Today was going well.
Espresso for breakfast.
Apple and 20 almonds as a mid-morning snack.
1/2 can black beans with a tomato and half of a bell pepper for lunch. Then an apple with peanut butter.
A carrot and 1/4 cup roasted soynuts as a snack.

...dinner was SUPPOSED to be couscous with bell pepper. That would have brought me to 1272 cal for the day.
It wasn't.
I didn't want to cook.
So I had another apple with peanut butter. Then a few spoonfulls of peanut butter.
Then a carrot with hummus. Then the second half of the bell pepper with hummus.
Then I wanted more hummus so I had almonds with it. I must have had at least 40 or 50 almonds.
That leaves me around 2200 calories for the day. WHICH, given that I danced for five hours, is still low enough that I can lose weight on it.
It's just not low enough.

Moral of the story: GO FUCKING COOK DINNER NEXT TIME. Not cooking what you planned leads to binging.
Binging on pretty healthy things, sure. But binging. Ugh.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Aaaaaaaand I just binged on apples, carrots, peanut butter, and hummus.

Fat fuck.

I Went Grocery Shopping!

So what does a broke dancer trying to lose weight buy for food?

BEANS. Black, kidney, cannellini, pinto. 95 cents a can, two meals right there.
Bell peppers
Peanut butter
Roasted soynuts

Normal meals include beans and tomatoes, couscous with roasted vegetables (if you place the veggies in aluminum foil, you don't even need a pan!), oats with peanut butter and chopped apple.
Snacks are almonds, soynuts, veggies with hummus, and apples with peanut butter.
All high-protein, high-fiber, low(ish) calories.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Day Three, Still Strong

Day went well, I think.
Flew to this dance festival, hence the weird eating times.

4:20 am. Half/three-quarters of a small apple. 33 cal.
9:30 am. Sabra roasted red pepper hummus and pretzels. Strawberry banana naked juice. 640 cal.
6:30 pm. Oatmeal. No measuring cups, but I think about 1/2 cup. 150 cal.
Total: 823 cal.

Again--not much exercise, but lots of walking/standing/carrying bags/moving stuff, so I'm pretty okay with this.
Intense dance times start tomorrow. Have to go to get groceries before they do. I'll be dancing about 5 hours tomorrow. SO EXCITED. But also, that means higher intake. WHICH IS FINE. Because I need food to dance. Just, y'know, when you see a >1,000 intake tomorrow, that's why.

Except hahajk just caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom. IT'S BAD. Really, really bad. a;lsdfjka;lsfjka;slfkd

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Day Two Report

6/12 Intake
9:30 am. Ripped Fuel, coffee, 1.5 cups cantaloupe chunks, 15 almonds. 188 calories.
4:30 pm. Ripped Fuel, 5 cashews. 47 calories.
7 pm. Salad (arugula, vinaigrette, pumpkin seeds, half a pear). 7 baby carrots. 5 cherry tomatoes. 5 cashews. 373 calories.
Total: 608 calories. 

My motivations:

This dance festival. 6 weeks of incredible dance, amazingly in-shape, attractive people, and hopefully some lovely new friends.
The beach. With  my parents as soon as the dance festival ends.
The ex. Friends for two years. Dated for six months. Broke up just over a month ago. I really, really want to hook up with him when school starts again.
I think he'd be down.
Gotta be hot if that's going to happen.
(Also I miss him like crazy and want to be with him and if we stay good friends like we were and then just keep hooking up maybe we'll get back together? But that's stupid.)
Senior year of college. I just want college pictures I'm not ashamed of.
My 21st. Beginning of October.
Auditions. No one wants a fat cow in their dance company or MFA program.

Day One Report

6/12 Intake:
9 am. Ripped Fuel, 2 cups of coffee, 10 raspberries, 2 almonds. 29 calories.
1 pm. 7 raspberries, 10 cashews. 101 calories.
4 pm. Ripped Fuel, 1 small apple, 20 cashews. 243 calories.
5 pm. 15 cashews. 141 calories.
7:45 pm. Sesame seed bagel and Iced Green Tea from Panera. 400 calories. 
9:30 pm. 5 cashews, a cup of grapes. 185 calories.
Total: 1,099 calories.

Some walking around, but no real exercise--I bruised my Achilles while moving out (I'm good at carts.) and am trying to rest it before the dance festival.
I'm pretty happy with how yesterday turned out. Could have done without the Panera, but K and A took me to the circus to watch some classes, and we all went to get food during a break.

Watching the circus classes was SO COOL. It made me want to be in much better shape--I'm in pretty decent shape as is, but everyone there is just INSANE. It's incredible what they can do with their bodies with such ease. So that's another reason why I'm okay with today's over-1000 intake. I don't want to make my body weak--I want to feed it to make it strong and lean and beautiful.

Here's shooting for another great day today.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Put In The Work

The past couple of days I've been eating like a normal-but-health-conscious person. Lots of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I've been pretty okay with that.

Except for last night. I'm staying with a friend's family for a couple of days (let's call the friend K--she's the one with the ED/self-harm problems, as well). This friend used to be in the circus. Like, Cirque du Soleil-style flying trapeze acrobatic craziness. Well. A friend of hers from circus (let's call her A) really really wanted to go on and do this professionally, but she was rejected from two schools she auditioned for earlier this year. K's dad was talking about A and about how she'd never make it because she didn't understand what it took to be doing what she does at a professional level, and how she's not athletic or flexible enough for it. She never, he said, put it in the extra work to get to the level she needed to be.

Which made me realize that eating like a normal-but-health-conscious person and not exercising is NOT putting in the work that's going to get me to where I want to be in dance. That just gets me fat.

I need to micromanage what goes in my mouth from now on.
Not fasting.
Not 400 calories of whatever.
But really, truly micromanage.
Healthy: fruits, vegetables, protein, fats, complex carbs if I'm going to be working out/dancing. Water. Lots and lots of water.

...and a little help along the way. I took Ripped Fuel for the first time in what seems like months. I'm okay with that, to be honest. It's what I have to do.

This is ALL what I have to do.
And I will do it.
And I will be great.
And I will make it.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I Suck

I really, really suck.

Had coffee yesterday morning.
At 1, had a 60 cal Starbucks energy drink thing and a 210 cal Odwalla protein bar because my hands were shaking.
That would have been lovely, had I not gone and had dinner at 6.
And then four (FOUR!) icy pops and some frozen mango through the rest of the evening.

143 this morning.

I guess I hate myself but not enough. Or I have self control but not enough. Or I want this BUT NOT ENOUGH.
Had a pear and coffee this morning.
I have another pear and an apple in my bag. I'll eat those throughout the day with more coffee.
(Who am I kidding, I'll probably eat like four cookies and a bag of chips and french fries and other disgusting shit.)

I'm just.


Saturday, June 8, 2013


I didn't stick to the plan, because I'm a fat pigbitch who can't control herself.

But I still lost a pound.

I shouldn't have. I had a proper binge and didn't purge or exercise or take laxatives or anything.
What would I have been at if I hadn't had that binge? 142 even? 141?
Coffee, water, tea, maybe an energy drink today as punishment. I'll be down to 141 tomorrow, I just know it.
And then 140.
And then I lose my scale. For about 8 weeks. But it's okay. I'll count calories religiously, exercise religiously, and hope to be down to 130 or below when I next weigh in.
See, on Monday I'm going to stay at my friend's for a few days. She also has an ED and cuts (though she hasn't in just over a week and I haven't in maybe a month), but she hates hers. She suffers through it. I... when I'm deepest in my ED, I enjoy it. It gives me satisfaction.

(This, I was told the single time I went to seek help, is because my ED developed as a coping mechanism for depression. Makes sense.)

ANYWAY. I'm not about to bring my scale to her house. And then, straight from there, I'm flying to a 6-week dance festival, where I'll be rooming with someone I've never met. I'm always super self-conscious about weight and ED things in front of new people, because you never know if someone's recovering or relapsing or suffering or loving it. So, again, no scale. BUT, and here's the good part, I'm hella poor and need to pay for food for 6 weeks of a dance intensive. I NEED to eat--I can't restrict hardcore (because dancing 6+ hours a day, every day), but it needs to be cheap, and cheap=healthy. Oatmeal with peanut butter and fruit for breakfast, beans and vegetables for lunch, brown rice and beans and veggies for dinner. Fruit and vegetables as snacks. I literally CANNOT AFFORD to eat out or eat junk.

Gonna be doing this alldayerrday and eating super healthy:

After THAT, I'm going to the beach with my parents, and the idea of a scale there is laughable. BUT clean eating+6 hours of exercise a day*6 weeks=excellent bikini body. This is the first time in years that I'll be happy with how I look at the beach. Something like a cross between these two, I hope:

Sorry for the megapost, I got a little carried away.
Moral of the story: Lost weight! Dunno how. Liquid fast today because I need to EARN those losses.
No scale after Monday morning, but it'll be the fucking best before and after EVER. Better believe it.

The Dancer

Friday, June 7, 2013


Ate about 1200 calories yesterday, most of those unplanned.
Didn't work out yesterday.
But I maintained.
I maintained because my BMR is about 1400, and because I didn't eat over that.

See? I control this shit.

It's 10 am right now, haven't eaten since 6 pm last night. Sort of hungry, but not really. I don't have classes today (finals period!), but I do have a meeting at 1.
The plan:
Drink tea and lemon water and work on this paper until about 12:30.
At 12:30, have roasted broccoli with lemon in a wrap--3 cups of broccoli plus the wrap will be 190.
Meeting at 1, dunno how late that'll go.
Go straight to the gym, run 3-4 miles, elliptical for 45 minutes.
Home, shower, paper.
Around 6, have 1/3 cup oatmeal with a pear. 190 cal. Maybe some mango if I'm really hungry. (another 90).

Drinking tonight, so want something in my stomach. Total for the day will be 380-470, depending on the mango. Plus calories from alcohol.
I'll probably burn 450-550 at the gym.

If I stick to this, I WILL lose.
Can't wait to see it on the scale tomorrow!

Also: shark week started this morning, which means at some point in the next two days I'll lose about 2 pounds without even trying.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

I Control My Body

I control my life.
I control my body.
I control my weight.


Fuck recovery. Fuck "be happy with your body." Fuck "relax." Fuck "don't obsess."

I'm back, bitches.
143.5 this morning.
Like always.
7 days until I'm at a dance festival.
137 when I get there. Don't care, it'll happen.

I. Control. My. Own. Destiny.