K and I broke up today.
It really fucking sucks.
(1 year, 3 months, 1 week.)
But it makes sense: we both have some serious issues (hell, we first bonded because we both had ED issues, self-harm issues, and in the past two years have both experienced depression and suicidal ideation), and we said that we only ever wanted to stay in this relationship as long as we managed to keep it healthy for both of us.
...which I thought it was.
She called me on Sunday (we're semi-long-distance as she's still in school about 40 miles away from the city I'm living in) and we talked for an hour and a half about our future, and how it doesn't seem like we'd end up in the same place, how we don't really want the same things from life, etc.etc. And how she was thinking maybe we should break up.
Well. I couldn't let that long of a relationship go in a single phone call, so I asked if we could just try to talk it out and have another phone call this week to decide. She said yes. I thought about it. I thought about how much I love her and how life plans and goals and geographic location can change and how much more secure I felt just knowing we were together, even if we weren't physically together, and how much we've been through, and how good we can be together.
I guess she didn't think about those things, because we talked again today and there I was, ready to fight for us, and there she was, mind made up.
"I need to figure out what I want in life, and I think that some of the patterns that I fall into with you aren't good for me right now."
So that's it.
On the other hand, I have a fellowship application due today, an awesome new part-time job, a second job on the horizon, and now I can use this as fuel to become strong and lean and badass.
...Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh...