Tuesday, January 20, 2015


K and I broke up today.
It sucks.
It really fucking sucks.
(1 year, 3 months, 1 week.)
But it makes sense: we both have some serious issues (hell, we first bonded because we both had ED issues, self-harm issues, and in the past two years have both experienced depression and suicidal ideation), and we said that we only ever wanted to stay in this relationship as long as we managed to keep it healthy for both of us.
...which I thought it was.
She called me on Sunday (we're semi-long-distance as she's still in school about 40 miles away from the city I'm living in) and we talked for an hour and a half about our future, and how it doesn't seem like we'd end up in the same place, how we don't really want the same things from life, etc.etc. And how she was thinking maybe we should break up.
Well. I couldn't let that long of a relationship go in a single phone call, so I asked if we could just try to talk it out and have another phone call this week to decide. She said yes. I thought about it. I thought about how much I love her and how life plans and goals and geographic location can change and how much more secure I felt just knowing we were together, even if we weren't physically together, and how much we've been through, and how good we can be together.
I guess she didn't think about those things, because we talked again today and there I was, ready to fight for us, and there she was, mind made up.
"I need to figure out what I want in life, and I think that some of the patterns that I fall into with you aren't good for me right now."
So that's it.

On the other hand, I have a fellowship application due today, an awesome new part-time job, a second job on the horizon, and now I can use this as fuel to become strong and lean and badass.

...Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh...

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Starving Shape

Man, I had forgotten how much restricting (even in the loose sense of what I'm doing) HURTS.
Hunger pangs aside, my body takes so much longer to recover from exercise, and I just always ache with a combination of muscle soreness (fine) and fatigue (not so good). My back hurts like a bitch and is tightening up like it always does when I go down this rabbit hole.
What astonishes me most is how QUICKLY it happened. A couple days of b/p, two days of semi-restriction, and BAM, there it is on the third day. My body used to be more accustomed to this, I guess. It used to know how to juggle rehearsals and technique classes and workouts on not so much food. I'm not in "starving shape" anymore.

Today was so-so. Class this morning was good but utterly exhausting, so I ended up not lifting afterwards.
Breakfast before class: oats with soy milk and cherries (300 cal)
Right after class: smoothie with spinach, cherries, and soy milk (117). Lower cal without the pear, but not so tasty. I was still shaky when I got home, though, so the combination of protein and good carbs was helpful.
Showered, then made a stir-fry with tons of vegetables, a TON (300 cal/36 g protein worth) of tofu because my muscles felt SO weak in class, then a little soy milk, 2 tbsp peanut butter, and hot curry seasoning (650 cal/51 g protein altogether). Delicious and a lot of food, but I was still hungry afterwards. Silly body.
Had work (cashiering at a huge café chain in the US), where I was on my feet for 7 hours straight. Consumed lots of tea. I was SUPPOSED to come home to half a tomato and a cup of artichoke hearts tonight, but I had to go and eat a quarter of a sprouted grain bagel (60) at work, so I lost my right to my at-home treat. Alas.

Today's total, then, is 1127.

A little nervous about tomorrow. I want to take a two-hour dance class in the morning, but I'd have to go straight from that to my internship, then straight from that to work for another 7 hour shift. Oatmeal beforehand, and something travel-able to eat the office after class (probably beans/tofu/vegetable), but I'm scared that after work I'll come home and binge like crazy because I'll be exhausted and hungry.
...but if I eat more things, I'm scared I'm also going to unleash the floodgates on a binge. No winning.

Well, we'll see.
--The Dancer

Monday, January 5, 2015

Good Friends and Good Wine

Awwww, you guyyyyyysssss. <3 <3 <3
Sam and Bella, it makes me so happy that you comment so regularly. I love it.
Also, you both are so awesome.
Sam, you're always hilarious and so supportive and fantastic.
Bella, you're always incredibly uplifting in your comments (also, I'm insanely jealous of your sewing skills. You are truly talented).
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

(I might be a little drunk.

So today didn't go QUITE as planned. Woke up early, had my coffee, was super pumped and ready to get my cardio on... and the electronic lock to the gym in my apartment was seriously on the fritz. Beeping/flashing CONSTANTLY, key wouldn't work, so finally I had to give up. Did a teeny tiny bit of upper body work in my apartment instead, but no cardio or real weights for me today.
(On that note: Sam, I have a heart rate monitor (with a chest strap and a watch), but I cannot for the life of me find the strap part right now. I'm too stubborn/cheap to buy another one, because I KNOW it's somewhere, but... yeah. So I average the machine's number and MFP's number and subtract 10% and then consider that a "high estimate.")

Food log today!
Breakfast (mostly sipped between 6:30 and 9:30 am): coffee with soy milk (50 cal), a MASSIVE smoothie with a pear, cherries, spinach, and a splash of soy milk (more cherries and spinach than yesterday, so higher count: 256 this time). Had most of the smoothie before I left the apartment, but a bit of it was left for lunch.
Had my internship from 10-2 (and didn't eat ANY of the snacks there. I win.)
Lunch (2:30ish): the rest of the smoothie plus stir-fried (no oil) broccoli, Costco's "frozen stir fry vegetables," and spinach (154).
Second lunch (3:30?): a homemade bean burger (154) and 20 pistachios (80).
Dinner: estimated 1 cup of pasta primavera (223, according to MFP) and high estimate of 12.5 oz of wine (but I think it was less, still, gonna say 305 cal, again from MFP), plus two Tostitos (39) an 2 tbsp of homemade guac (46).
Total was 1,307 with no real exercise (though I did walk a total of like 3 miles in sub-zero temperatures (fahrenheit... so below -17 Celsius)). I dunno. Weighed myself when I got home and, even full of pasta, I was the same as I was this morning, so that's cool. Wasn't dehydrated, either, so maybe tomorrow's number will be good to me.

Numbers aside, today was a really good day. I asked two of my professors from last year if they'd write me reference letters for a really cool fellowship program (and they both said yes!), being at the office today was a lot of fun (and I always feel super supported there, I love the people I work with), and I had a nice dinner with my roommate from last year. She sort of bugged me by the end of the year, but seeing her again was really really lovely. She's great in smaller doses, so tonight was a lot of fun. It was a night of good friends, good wine, and good behavior around food! I ate slowly, left pasta on my plate, ate two chips with her homemade guac to be nice but didn't go crazy with them (even though it was delicious), and I'm going to bed hungry!

The plan for tomorrow is oatmeal before a 90-minute dance class, a little lifting (if the stupid fucking lock is fixed), a smoothie and protein-ful salad, then a 7-hour work shift on my feet. Can't wait!

--The Dancer

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Welcome to 2015

No-counting didn't work.
Partially holidays/family in town, partially... I dunno... a total lack of self control?
I'm not sure. It wasn't good. I felt awful all the time and wasn't making good food choices.

Working on changing that.

Food log for today!
Breakfast: coffee with soy milk (50 cal for two cups), smoothie made with spinach, cherries, a pear, and a splash of soy milk (185)
Snack: an orange (65)
Lunch: homemade bean burger on a sandwich thin with hummus plus a salad of spinach, red pepper, tomato, and artichokes (284 for the burger+bun, 75 for the salad)
Workout! 10 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes treadmill (a mile and change), 20 minutes weightlifting, 10 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes stretching. MFP low estimate says 257.
Post-workout: silken tofu blended with half a packet of hot chocolate and refrigerated to make this lovely high-protein chocolate mousse (150)
Dinner: a ton of oven-roasted broccoli, another bean burger with hummus (no bun this time), and a couple artichoke quarters (309)

So that's 1,118-257=861 net right now. I don't really believe that I burned that much at the gym, though. I dunno. I also have to go to this thing for work where they're going to make us try new foods that we're offering. Hopefully a max of like two things will be vegan, so I'll probably net like 900-1000 today. Not bad.

A little worried about tomorrow. Going over to a college friend's house for dinner because I haven't seen her in forever. It'll be nice, but she said she's making a twist on pasta primavera which is... y'know... pasta. So that's not great. I said I'd bring wine, too. (Well, I said either wine or dessert.)
My thought at the moment is to do a huge cardio blast after I lift weights at the gym in the morning, burn like 500 calories or whatever, then have a protein-y smoothie and a salad throughout the day so I don't go crazy on the carbs in the evening.
In exactly one week I'll be in NYC for auditions. I'd like to drop 5 pounds between now and then, and I think I can do it.

Stay strong, babes.
--The Dancer