Thursday, December 18, 2014

No Numbers

Why was everything so much easier last week?
(I KNOW the answer.)
B/P three times in the last two days. Fuck this shit.

What worked, even if it was just for a week, was not counting. No counting, but 80% of my diet consisted of fruits and vegetables. The other 20% was tofu, lentils, wild rice, and nuts. I was losing weight. Not quickly, but a little.
I need to do that. Apples and clementines and spinach and red peppers and all the delicious things that I love. Water and tea and perfection.
It will be good.
It will be beautiful.
I will be beautiful.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Make It Look So Easy

Was it just this weekend I was in LA, feeling skinny(ish), easily eating only healthy food and drinking coffee, walking everywhere, admiring art, happy and feeling free and worldly and, dare I say it, pretty?

And yet right now I feel so incredibly fat and disgusting and terrible. Hideous.
I want the feeling of this weekend back. Pure and happy and free and easy.

Have any of you ever read Arden Leigh's The New Rules of Attraction?
So it's a pick-up guide aimed at women, but please stick with me. I've read it at least three times and, honestly, it doesn't read like a skeezy pick-up guide or an overly emotional, fluffy self-help book. I like it because it reads as a guide to illusion. Of perfection, of creating an over-the-top character of yourself, of beauty and intrigue and making it all look easy.
That's what I want.
Beauty, mystery, artistry, and intrigue.

I'll get there.

Much love.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Well Hello There

The number on the scale is unspeakable.
It has been for months, honestly, but I haven't had the strength or the drive or the reason to come back here.
But fuck that. I'm not getting into any dance companies doing shit the healthy way, let's see what happens if I do this.

I binged last night, what a surprise. I had actually been good for like four or five days, was feeling good, then, BAM, binge, no purge.
So today (/tomorrow? I'm going to sleep again, it's 4 am) is caffeine and water raw fruits and vegetables for... ahem... cleansing effects... then it will be the start of a Great Fast a la Ana Regzig. Let's go for a week at first. Alternating water fast/juice and smoothie fast/something low-cal but high-protein with lots of exercise. T-30 Days until I head to NYC for two big auditions.

Until then, think thin thoughts, my skinny bitches.
Much love,
--The Dancer

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Bingey binge binge.

After a few days of "normal" (albeit, yes, actually healthy) eating and weight lifting/running combo... and then a binge last night. Didn't purge, because I'm trying not to do that anymore (though, who am I kidding, did it on Friday), so now everything's just sitting in me.
I haven't been this high in MONTHS.
Everything disgusts me. My stomach disgusts me. My arms disgust me. My thighs and calves and ankles and chubby knees disgust me. My face disgusts me.
I have a food hangover from all of the sugar and simple carbs.
I'm eight months along with a set of food triplets.
The official word on what you're meant to do after a binge is "self care" and "normal" eating. Yeah. Right. =/
The plan today: as much water and tea as I can stomach (at least 200 fl oz, or 25 cups; my water bottle holds 24 oz (3 cups) and tea mug holds 16 oz (2 cups), so that's five bottles of water and five mugs of tea. I'll let myself have coffee to, uh, move things along after I've downed the first two servings each of water and tea.
No food. No food today, we'll see what the scale says about tomorrow. I'm guessing no food then, either. No food until I'm back in the 133s. My guess is the 137s tomorrow, but if I make it to the gym today, maybe I can burn enough to get into the 136s.

I started reading Ana Regzig's blog again last night after the binge.
In her words,

Starve on.
--The Dancer

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


I am finally, finally back below 134.
(I was at 134 even when I woke up on Monday after the drinking, went up yesterday morning by less than a pound (but it still counts)).
With my schedule today, I'm almost certain I can be in the 132s tomorrow.

I also purged four days in a row, which is just bullshit. I went three fucking weeks without purging (and an entire month without coffee! Addictions can be broken, yo).
So here's the challenge. 4 days of purging? 4 days purge-free. I am absolutely NOT ALLOWED to purge today through Saturday. Just can't happen. Nope, sorry, deal with your fat like everyone else.
The only rule is under 1000 calories and some kind of exercise (besides dancing) every day.
I have 18 days until Spring Concert, which is this awesome all-day outdoor music festival my school throws. Sunshine and beer and bikinis. I WILL look hot as fuck this year, mark my words.
125. 125 for Spring Concert would be great, then 120 by graduation three weeks later.
Totally manageable. Not even a problem.

Love you all! Skinny days and happy thoughts.
--The Dancer

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Purged four days in a row.
This shit needs to stop.

(But as long as the weight's going down, the fuck do I care?)

Monday, May 5, 2014

Could be Worse

After I posted last night, I ended up purging before going out. Bad decisions, I know, I know.
Got super drunk (but didn't puke!), but wasn't too bad calorie-wise. Or, at least, it could have been a lot worse. Mixer-wise, had about 6 oz of lemonade and 8 oz each of orange juice and cranberry juice. Alcohol-wise... gin, citrus vodka, more citrus vodka, more gin, and lots of whiskey. Food-wise, a handful of tortilla chips and too many jelly beans.
Woke up 2 pounds down from yesterday. I'll post my weight tomorrow if I lose again, which seems... possible?
Was hungover upon waking, obviously, which of course meant too much food.
Brunch around noon was a carrot burger on bread with hummus, lettuce and tomato, a tiny amount of refried beans, some plain tofu, and a bowl of lentil and swiss chard soup with (as;ldfkjals;dfjk) another piece of bread. Overall, 730 calories, 40 grams of protein. The general goal these days is under 1000 calories (which I KNOW is hella high for most of you but easing in, I think) and as much protein as possible, so this fits into that.

The plan is to not eat anything else today. I teach two dance classes tonight, so I'll get a little workout there, and I'm hoping/planning(/going to, goddammit) go for a 2-ish mile run this afternoon.
With any self-control I'll be down another pound tomorrow and I'll post my weight then.

Here's hoping.
--The Dancer

Sunday, May 4, 2014


Woke up at an unspeakable number this morning (but better than yesterday0.
I'm going to be even worse tomorrow, I know it.
Intake was green beans, tofu, and marinara sauce a little after noon, an apple at like 4:30, and then... fuck. Dinner was supposed to be green beans, tofu, and marinara sauce again, but then I went "oh, I mean, I'm planning on drinking a lot tonight, I should have a piece of bread so I don't absolutely destroy my stomach."
And we all know how that goes. Not one but THREE pieces of bread. One with mustard (good), two with peanut butter and raisins.
Intake is 1330 BEFORE the alcohol.
Fucking hell.
If I had stuck to my single piece of bread with mustard, it would have been 820ish.
Dumbass. Fatass.

Let's get drunk enough to puke?
Woohoo college, or something.

Hope you're having skinnier days than I am,
--The Dancer

(PS, thank you for the lovely comments on my last post. Love you all. Working through your archives. <3 )

Saturday, May 3, 2014

For Fuck's Sake

Hey there.
It's been a while.

I was doing well for some of that.
Mostly my weight stayed in the 134-137 range.
I never purged more than two days out of a week (I think?) and went three whole weeks without purging at all.

This last week, though.

I think I'm back?
Ashamed of my weight. Not gonna say it.
I have 21 days to drop as much as I can (while keeping muscle).
The plan is fruit, vegetables, soymilk, and tofu, running and weight-lifting.

I just can't do another day like today.

Skinny thoughts
--The Dancer

Friday, March 7, 2014

Recovery's Hard

Who knew, right?
Was voracious yesterday and ate three full meals, plus snacks, and, like, a lot of brownies.
(A LOT.)
(Like eight brownies.)
(I just could not get through this chocolate craving.)

Felt disgusting all last night (and still feel a little gross today) because I ate so much while being pretty much confined to bed.
Didn't weigh myself yesterday, not going to weigh myself today, not going to weigh myself again for a while.
(I say that now.)
(Right now "a while" feels like it should be weeks.)
(I give myself until Sunday until I cave.)

But guys? I ate brownies and lots of other food yesterday and even though I can feel and see it sitting in my lower belly, not fully digested yet... when I flex I can still see my little baby 2-pack abs.
So that's the thing to recognize today: one day of eating more than a normal human while doing no activity didn't make me magically gain layers and layers of fat overnight. (Shocking, right?)
So eating the same amount as a normal human while doing lots of activity shouldn't make that happen either. Hmm. Fascinating. Will attempt to follow through with this hypothesis and report back.

Strength and love,
--The Dancer

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


I injured myself today.
It scared me. A lot. My lower back was in so much pain. The only thing I could think of that ever hurt more was the day after a four-hour long knee surgery.
This was intense. I couldn't bend over, could barely walk, couldn't lift things or open doors without serious, sharp pain.
It turns out that it's just a pretty bad strain: a few days of heat and rest and ibuprofen and I'll be back on my feet/walking like a normal person, and I should heal fully within a couple of weeks.

My first thought, though, was "why do I keep getting injured?"
What do I keep doing wrong? What's wrong that I keep getting injured?

So this is it.
This is some kind of sign.
I need to treat my body better. I need to feed it the amount it's meant to be fed, I need to make sure those are quality calories, I need to exercise regularly (but not obsessively, and not until I'm healed up), I need to warm-up and cool-down and stretch and do strengthening exercises.
I need to put my body first.

No more restriction (semi-inadvertantly fasted for 28ish hours), no more purging (last time was Monday), no more over-eating junk (yesterday).
No more.
It stops.
Healthy living, one hundred percent.

Health and healing,
--The Dancer

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Sensible Restriction?

Rehearsals yesterday and Friday were cancelled.
Turned in my thesis on Friday. Had lots and lots of sugar and carbs (jelly beans, oreos, trail mix).

Yesterday's intake:
Breakfast--an apple
Lunch--plate of tofu with 1/2 cup marinara sauce
Snack--cucumber with spicy brown mustard
Dinner--plate of tofu with 1/2 cup marinara sauce, 2 applesauce-oatmeal cookies with craisins
Pissed about the cookies, but whatever.

It's 1:20 pm. Today's intake so far is a plate of steamed broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, and tofu with 1/2 cup marinara sauce.

I think I could keep up this kind of restriction for a while. Fresh fruit, vegetables, and tofu. Gets me about 50 grams of protein a day for about 750 calories. I could increase portions or add oats and peanut butter for breakfast on really intense dance days.

I feel calm about this. It's been a long time since I've felt calm about food. :)

Gym every day starts tomorrow. I'm excited.

Hope you all are doing well.
--The Dancer

Thursday, February 27, 2014


I've been so stressed/crazed/busy/exhausted this week that I decided I was going to let myself do whatever the hell I wanted, food-wise.
Apparently that's a couple of sensible, healthy meals, lots of restriction, and three instances of b/p.

No b/p allowed today. I always feel it the next day, and I have a four-hour solo rehearsal tomorrow, so... nope.

So far today have had 16 oz of soymilk and an apple. Planning on 12 oz of soymilk and an apple for lunch, and raw vegetables for dinner. Under 600 today.
(There's the little voice in the back of my head that says if I stick to 600 a day, I'm at a deficit to lose 2.5 pounds/week of actual weight, not just water.)
(Just food for thought.)

(Maybe I'll...)
(Maybe I could...)

Scale said 133.4 this morning. Lowest in a while. Hit 131 three and a half weeks ago.
Still haven't been under 130 for a couple of years now.
I want it back.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Let's Go.

I stand before you at 134 pounds and pretty happy with myself, my body, and my weight.
(Since when?)

Ballet still makes me panic, and thinking about auditioning for professional companies still makes me panic and want to starve or b/p.
But for the most part, I'm okay with myself. I have a little bit of visible ab muscle, my legs are large but muscular and I'm closer to a thigh gap than I've ever been in my life, and my upper body is approaching something that could be called strong.

But I'm afraid of leaving this mindset. I'm afraid that, as soon as I try to step into the professional dance world, I'm going to panic and hardcore relapse.

My first big audition is in seven weeks.
I think that, maybe, if I'm a healthy 125 pounds by then, I won't panic. I won't freak out.

So I have 7 weeks to lose 9 pounds.
That's about 1.3 pounds a week, or an average deficit of 650 calories/day. I'll aim for a daily deficit of 700 calories, just to be safe. I calculated my BMR to be 2235, so a 700 calorie deficit would be eating 1535/day.
(I know that number probably seems unimaginable to most of you girls.)
(But it's the "healthy" way of doing things.)

Of course, that's not a 1535-calorie free-for-all.
That's clean eating only. Nothing packaged, nothing sugary. A goal of 90-100 grams of protein every day.
That's every bite recorded, no exceptions.
That's 100 oz of water every day, no excuses.
That's six hours of technique class and ten to fourteen hours of rehearsal every week.
After my thesis is due (final draft this Friday), that's the gym every day to either lift or run/elliptical.
That's finally privileging my body and its needs so that it works for me.
That is going to make me great.
(It's not quite "health" but it's close enough.)

Love and coffee.
--The Dancer

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I've been trying really hard recently to pretend that I'm a normal, functional person. Eating, going to the gym, only weighing myself every few days (135.2: only a 2 pound gain in two weeks of being "normal").

Here's a short list of things that normal people don't do:
Leave ballet class in tears because they caught sight of themselves in the mirror and can't be in their bodies anymore and then skip class to b/p.


Wednesday, February 5, 2014


Losing, just not fast enough.

Still determined to be in the 120s by Saturday.
It'll happen, don't even worry.

Infinite coffee,
--The Dancer

Friday, January 31, 2014


My hip flexor has been bothering me for about a week now, and just got really bad in the past couple of days.
So I haven't been dancing.
I'm not planning on dancing again at least until Monday.
No dance=no reason to eat and/or keep food down. Been not-eating or b/p'ing every day since it got bad.
So I'm at 135.2 this morning.
If I can lost .7 pounds/day, I'll be in the 120s for Midwinter Ball.
If I can lose 1 pound/day, I'll be at 127.2.
God, that sounds awesome.

The plan is to just do what I've been doing, plus add push-ups, crunches, and planks to stay in shape/keep muscle without irritating my hip flexor.

I like this downward trend.
I just need to keep doing what I'm doing.
I have enough discipline for that. Right?

Love and Coffee,
--The Dancer

Monday, January 27, 2014


Went up instead of downdowndown.
But I lost about a quarter inch on my waist.
So who knows.

Yesterday ran two rehearsals from 9-11:30 am, then had brunch. Quinoa burger on bread (eww, should have skipped the bread) with hummus, lettuce, and tomato, steamed broccoli, and a small bowl of vegetable chickpea soup. Came back, had a short rehearsal/run-through of an upcoming show, then had a hummus sandwich on a bagel and an orange. Then a four-hour solo rehearsal, in the middle of which I had an orange, and I was done by 7:30 pm. Had spinach with carrots, lots of tofu, and tomato sauce for dinner, and a handful of pistachios as a snack afterwards.

Breakfast today was oatmeal (150) with peanut butter (200) a banana (90) and raisins (100) for 540.
The rest of the day is fruit (an apple and an orange, 135) and lentils (230) with couscous (90) for a total of 995. Might have more fruit than that, but not over 1200.
Today is an hour of ballet, an hour of modern, a pretty intense 2-hour rehearsal, then on my feet teaching for two hours, then running an hour-long rehearsal for a dance number in a theatre production. I'll probably burn about 1100 through activity.
(I know these intake numbers are high compared to what you girls are used to seeing, and that with a weight like what I'm at I have no business eating that much, but dance is my current job and hopefully my future career. I need to fuel enough to train properly.)

I haven't purged in over a week. I don't remember the last time, I just know that I haven't let myself because of the solo rehearsals. This piece is intense, and constant, and it's just me, and I absolutely can't let myself get dehydrated or wobbly or underfueled during it. I felt like I was going to pass out halfway through on Saturday, and when it's just you... that reads. I passed it off as tiredness from having turned in a thesis draft the day before (true) and the solo being hours 5-8 of rehearsal in a row that day (also true), but this choreographer is brilliant and connected and I need to be more impressive. I need to be better. Unfortunately, for now, that means food.

Hope you lovelies are doing well.
All my love,
--The Dancer

Thursday, January 23, 2014


Even though I ate yesterday.
Like a lot.
(It's okay.)
I had two apples, an orange, a 450 calorie pack of nuts and dried cranberries.
That should have been it, but my rehearsal schedule has been so incredibly intense (it wasn't yesterday, but the day before was hellish and today will be hellish, too) and my body was just actually about to give out on me. So when I got home from rehearsals I had carrot sticks and celery stick with hummus and a couple handfuls of raw nuts.
My body still just HURT, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get through today, so I had a protein bar (270 cal, 20 g protein) right before bed.
I just did the math and yesterday was around 1275. But I also burned somewhere in the 400-600 range through dance, so it's not the worst.
I went to bed at midnight. I got up at 4:30. So at 4:30 am, 4.5 hours of sleep, I was down .6 pounds from yesterday.
I'm calling that the requisite .7 pounds/day.
136.8 today. Hopefully I'll hit 136 even tomorrow.

So it's okay that I ate.
(And it actually is, sort of.)
(This week is so hard.)

I need to eat at least two meals today. I have a skills test in modern this morning, so breakfast.
I have a four-hour intense solo rehearsal with a professional choreographer this afternoon (aka the reason my body hurts SO MUCH), so some kind of lunch. Probably just vegetables and tofu, but maybe a veggie burger with half of a bun.
I'll probably eat a snack tonight, too. Nuts or a protein bar or hot chocolate made with light soy milk. I have a second draft of my thesis due on Friday that's in bad shape, so I need to be able to work on it.
(Hence getting up at 4:30.)

I know I'm just full of excuses today/this week/always.
But maybe some of them are real? If we assume I count as "very active," then the calories necessary to maintain my weight is 2500.
So 1275 isn't the worst?

I'm feeling very lost recently.
But it's okay. I'll find my way.

(You'll find yours, too.)
Love always,
--The Dancer

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Never gone, just ashamed.

Forgive me ana, for I have sinned. It has been one month since my last confession.

(I feel pretty questionable about the pro-ana personification/deification of anorexia, but I couldn't get that line out of me head.)

This is my 100th post.
I wanted Post 100 to be something special. Magical. Accomplished. A landmark of sorts.
I wanted to be under 130.
Yet here I stand, 137.4 after a sort of binge-y day yesterday. I binged on protein bars. Who does that? (At least I'll be strong?)

I'm so busy these days, and it's so easy for me to say oh, I have three or four or eight hours of dance today, I need to eat everything in sight. It's so easy to say oh, I only got five hours of sleep again, I need to eat to get through the day.  It so easy to say oh, no, I really need to do this work, I don't have time to go to the gym.

Where have I wound up with that kind of thinking? At 137.4.
(I hope it's really lower. I had a pretty intense rehearsal yesterday, and I'm so, so sore. I hope my muscles are holding on to lots of water. I hope I still have food weight in me. I hope I'm not REALLY above 136 yet again.)

Midwinter Ball is in 18 days. I want to be 125 for it. 12.4 pounds in 18 days? .7 pounds a day.
I can do that.
I need to do that. K and I are still dating--a little over three months. And she's so GOOD at starving. At being tiny. Her stomach's flat, and when she lies down her ribs and hips are higher than her stomach. I have ribs always and hipbones when I lie down, too, but I also have this stupid little pooch of stomach still. I don't deserve her. I need to deserve her. I need to be 125.

Today I have ballet, modern, and a two-hour rehearsal. The piece we're rehearsing, at least in its current existence, is more walking than anything really strenuous. I think I can get away with not eating. I'll bring a couple of oranges just in case, but I don't think I'll need them.

Here's to being better.
--The Dancer