Sunday, May 29, 2016


I knew 136.8 was too good to be true. I've been 137-138, mostly.
138 was actually the number on the scale that first started this journey. It was the highest weight I had ever seen at the time and it horrified me. Since then, I've weighed in anywhere from 127 (for a single blessed day) to 150 (for a horrifying, b/p-filled week).
Even now, four years later, I view 138 as a marker. Above it is "doing worse," below it is "making progress." So as long as I keep going down, I'll be making progress. I don't have an "end goal" in mind this time, at least not numbers-wise. Visible abs. Protruding hip-bones. I think that will happen in the mid 120s. 12 pounds to go? Yesterday it was 10.8. Boo.

But I deserve the 1.2-pound gain from yesterday. Yes, I danced an hour and a half and ran 2.3 miles and lifted, but I also had, in addition to the chia and salad listed yesterday, a ton of broccoli and carrots, half a tub of hummus (it is forever my weakness), a protein shake (strawberries/spinach/protein powder) post-workout aaaaaand the remainder of a mostly-full pint of ice cream. I could have done (and done happily!) with all of it except the ice cream. But now it's gone, so okay.

This morning was a tofu scramble with mushroom, tomato, scallion, spinach, and nutritional yeast plus a quarter cup of soy milk in my coffee (271 cal/33 g protein). Headed off in a bit to rehearsal... not sure how long it goes today, but afterwards will be the same salad as yesterday, probably with some fruit on the side (with fruit, about 400 cal/23 g protein). I'll make a list of everything I need to do soon (grant review, more grant writing, video editing, cleaning), hit the gym, shower, and get started on the list.

I'll have a a veg-focus dinner (probably steamed broccoli and hummus: 240 cal/12 g protein), then head over the bf's when his show ends around 9:30. I'm betting we'll eat a bit there, and I'm positive we'll drink (he likes mixing fancy cocktails, and who am I to say no when a beautiful man hands me top-shelf alcohol with fresh-squeezed lemons and homemade simple syrup? Have I mentioned he's amazing in the kitchen?), but if I stick to the plan I'll have danced and worked out and be clocking in at just under 1000 cal/65 grams of protein, so I'll have some room to play. These days the goal is about 1400-1600 calories, depending on the amount of dance I'm doing at the time. W definitely doesn't know about this blog, and I don't want him to find out, so I probably won't update until Tuesday evening... nor will I be able to get a morning weight until Wednesday. Eek. But that's three days of good behavior in the future, so I'm going to say... 136s. Low 136s.

Also... I dyed my hair this week. The Instagram filter makes my skin look much nicer than it is, but here you go:

Happy Sunday, my darlings. 
--The Dancer

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Hello Again

It seems that I always come back here when things are changing.
"Here" to this blog, not "here" to an eating disorder. With the ED, I'm both not returning and admitting that I never left.

I was 136.8 this morning, which I'm okay enough with. I'd be happier five pounds lower, but when isn't that true? I've been in the 140s for most of my time post-college (...which is almost two years now, holy hell), but in the (high) 130s the past three weeks or so. I like this better.
Today was breakfast: strawberry chia pudding with pb (291 cal/9 g protein), then an hour and a half dance class,  a quick grocery store run, then lunch: salad with tomato, bell pepper, tofu, avocado, and nutritional yeast (363 cal/22 g protein). I'm digesting and drinking water, then gym and dinner, maybe seeing the boyfriend after his show.

Oh, yes, there's a boyfriend.
I wrote about him back in September, how I had a crush on W, the lighting designer from a show I had done. How he had a show coming up that I was going to drag H to and, I dunno, at least remind him that I existed.
Well, I didn't do quite that. I missed the show, but I sent him a FB message afterwards apologizing for it, asking how it went, any excuse to start and keep up a conversation. And it worked! We exchanged messages (long messages--paragraphs about the state of the arts community in our area and the purpose of an education, about the merits of the classical canon and the merits of various sci-fi franchises) before deciding, yeah, we clearly had a lot we could talk about, why don't we meet up for a drink? And the drink turned into three straight hours of chatting and light touches, turned into him offering to drive me home (we were close enough that I had walked), turned into a goodnight kiss turned into going on seven months together.
He's wonderful and sweet and funny and he knows about my issues in an abstract sense but doesn't make a big deal out of them and I'm just so relaxed around him. We binge-watch Netflix and cook together and go see theatre and dance and discuss current events and philosophy and sociology while snuggled in bed in the mornings. He's amazing. It's amazing. I'm happy with him.

Besides the boyfriend, I got another promotion at the dance company I work for. For a while I was working full time, but we found out yesterday that our summer hours are seriously reduced, so I have to figure out how to live on about half of what I was planning on. Eek.
Otherwise, I had a gallery installation (result of the fellowship) in March-April and a show in May. I start rehearsals for another show next week--that one goes up in August. A couple more pretty big auditions over the next couple of weeks, as well.

Things are... okay. The work thing is scary--really, really scary, and I've been panicking all week about it, but I've realized that I need to just seize this opportunity to take as much class as possible, get to the gym as much as possible, and spend time making art. So that's what I'm going to do. Food and gym and class all in line and everything else will fall into place.

How have you all been, lovelies?
--The Dancer