Friday, August 30, 2013

On The Brink

140 yesterday and today.
But shark week started yesterday, so it's all good. I'll magically drop two pounds in the next two days.
(It's amazing to me how calm I can be about weight loss when I'm actually going to the gym daily and eating clean.)

Went shopping with my parents today--there's a lovely market district full of independent/local stores. Got coffee, tea, produce, and lots and lots of really nice chocolate. The kind you just can't eat more than a piece of at a time, so it's fine.
(My mother also bought incredible fresh bread that I'm pretending doesn't exist because otherwise I will eat it all.)
We also had lunch at a lovely Thai restaurant that's been a family favorite since it opened a year or so ago. I had two small pieces of spring roll (vegetables and tofu) and tofu-veggie teriyaki stir-fry. Didn't touch the rice AT ALL. Wasn't even tempted to touch the rice.

Got home and eventually made stir-fry with kale, red bell pepper, and mock chicken. Also had a small plum.

Off to the gym soon.

I'm really liking this "healthy lifestyle" thing.
I dunno. Might be something to pursue.
We shall see what happens.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


I told myself I wasn't going to post again until I was in the 130s (140.5 both yesterday and this morning), but I'm feeling so fucking positive that I felt like I had to share some of that positivity. :)

Four out of the last five days, I've done some kind of hard exercise (2 days hiking, day off, 2 days at the gym). I can feel my upper body, particularly my back muscles, getting stronger. In a holy-crap-if-I-keep-this-up-I'll-actually-be-able-to-do-a-real-pull-up kind of way.

I ran today! For the first time in about three months. I only did a mile and a half, but whatever.
Tomorrow is upper body focus, but Friday I'll attempt two miles. Then 2.5, 3, etc. and see where I get.

The fat on my thighs is GONE.
My inner thighs have that annoying chub that keeps the thigh gap away, but my quads and hamstrings are back to pure muscle. I like the flex-and-punch method of determining how much fat is on a particular part of my body, haha. Flex the muscle group in question, slap/punch on one area, and see if there are fat waves. No ripple=all muscle.

Yesterday and today I've been eating SO WELL. 70ish grams of protein with under 1000 calories. All good food--lots of kale, tomatoes, carrots, broccoli, and spinach.
I sometimes forget how good it feels to eat well.

I'm hoping I'll see a decrease on the scale tomorrow. I'm hoping for 138.5. Or 139. Something to make up for the maintenance today (which was a lot of sodium-driven water retention. I had like six pickle spears last night. Whoops). But as long as I don't see a gain, I think I'll be okay. I see a difference in the mirror, and I FEEL better. And smaller. And stronger.

Don't get me wrong--I still want 117. Eventually.
Right now I just feel happy and healthy. And that's a lot.

Much love.

Monday, August 26, 2013


Weekend was wonderful. I ate way waaaaaaaay too much, but hiked for five hours on Saturday and an hour and a half yesterday, so it sort of evens itself out?

141.5 this morning, BUT my waist is half an inch smaller than the last time I was here, so I'm not panicking too much.

I have 13 days until I return to school, 15 days until hardcore dancing starts again. I really wanted to be 130 when I got back, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.
My aim will be 133. 8.5 pounds in two weeks; just over 4 pounds a week. I think i can do that.

The gameplan: 17-Day-Diet. This is one of those annoying fad diets that popped up last year (my mother and chronic-dieter-aunt tried it, so I got roped into it, too), but I actually quite like it.
You don't count calories (which is both incredibly unnerving and ultimately probably helpful in getting me into a healthier mindset to go back to school with [pro-tip: hardcore restricting and 8+ hour days of dance don't mix well]).
The diet that 3 17-day cycles, hence the name. I'm probably just going to do the first one, because school and rehearsal and such.
In the first cycle, you eat almost zero starches. You're allowed two servings of low-sugar fruits before 2 pm, and that's as starchy as it gets. Besides that, you eat unlimited vegetables, lean proteins (for me, tofu-based stuff and seitan), and 1-2 tablespoons of fats (cooking with olive oil).

I like this diet because there's already a list of "safe foods" that more or less corresponds to my pre-existing list, so it appeases my ED mindset without pushing me further into it. It's also mother-approved, so that makes my life a whole lot easier.

In theory you're only meant to exercise for 17 minutes a day (isn't that cute? -barf-), but fuck that. Heading to the gym this afternoon for an hour on the elliptical and strength training.

I've taken "before" pictures (ohgodohgodohgod); I'll try to take "during" ones the day before I leave. We'll see how much of a difference two weeks can make.

Hope your weekends have been lovely, m'dears. I look forward to catching up on all of your blogs. <3

Friday, August 23, 2013

Holy crap, you guys are way too nice to me.
Thank you for all of your lovely comments on my photos! <3

This is just a quick update to say that I'll be computer-less until Sunday evening. Driving down to West Virginia with my parents for a weekend of hiking--doing shorter 3-5 milers today and Sunday, but gonna do a 12-mile one with my dad tomorrow. Looking forward to the exercise, not so much to the "eating three meals a day together."
Oh, well. There's a mini gym where we're staying, so might try to get in some extra cardio and strength to mitigate all the food.

Have a lovely, skinny weekend m'dears. <3

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


I take awkward pictures.

Also, my face is fat.

BUT my collarbones are reappearing. 
So that's something.

(They've been better than this. MUCH better. But they were almost completely gone about three days ago, so I'll take it.)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Good Day

Well, it took me long enough, but I FINALLY had a good day.
I mean, I'm still fat.
But I didn't do anything to make that worse.

Breakfast was coffee, green tea, and Ripped Fuel (must go buy more. Will do that tomorrow.)
Lunch (at 2 pm) was almonds, cucumber with spicy brown mustard, and strawberries. I couldn't finish everything I had on my plate, so gave away the last bit of everything to my parents. In total, ate 101 calories (9 almonds, six small strawberries, and a quarter of a cucumber).
Got back to the gym today. Fuckin FINALLY. I don't know why I avoid it. It always makes me feel so much better when I do go, plus it's two hours out of the day where I'm not in my house and therefore not around food. Spent an hour on the elliptical, then did upper body weight machines, abs, and stretching. -600 calories.
Dinner (at 6:30) was 1/8 cup lentils, 3 oz tofu, kale, yellow bell pepper, and tomato. 214 calories, 18 grams of protein.

Total intake of 315 calories, 21 grams of protein. Net of -285 today.
"If every day were like today, you'd weigh 121.2 lbs in 5 weeks!"
Well, I have 7 to get to 117, so that sounds pretty damn good to me. Let's do it.

It seems like as soon as I have one good day, I have a string of them. Getting that first one always feels so difficult--"I'm fat, I'm disgusting, there's nothing I can do to change that, so here, let me stuff myself with food until it hurts because it doesn't fucking matter," but as soon as I do, I feel so strong that I'm not willing to give that up.

So let's have another mug or two of tea, another bottle of water, read a book, and call it an early night.
Tomorrow holds so much promise, I can hardly wait. :)

(ALSO! I just hit 20 followers. THANK YOU ALL. YOU GUYS ARE INCREDIBLE. <3 )

Monday, August 19, 2013

"I guess you want to gain weight, don't you?"

Growing up, that sentence was the bane of my existence.
Skipped breakfast? "Oh, so you're TRYING to gain weight." No, dad, fuck off.
Ate after 7 pm? "Oh, I see you want to gain some weight, huh?" Nope, FUCK OFF, dad."
Get less than 9 hours of sleep (so, y'know, every day of my life)? "Oh, I guess you're trying to gain weight, is that it?" (You can guess my response.)

The point being, as much as I hated that phrase growing up, it's true.
If you're not trying to lose weight, you must be trying to gain it.
Extra bites aren't slip-ups or moments of weakness. A brownie isn't a mistake. A day off from the gym isn't laziness.
These are purposeful moments of self-sabotage. These are little things that add up to "yes, I DO want to gain weight and be a fat cow the rest of my life."

I'm going to stop saying yes to those moments.
The only things I will say "yes" to from now on are the things that will make me skinny.

(Thanks, dad.)

Fucking Hell

My collarbones are gone.
All but my very first rib have disappeared.
I've gained an inch (A FULL FUCKING INCH) on my waist.

And the scale says 141.5.


This is the last time I will EVER see 14_ on the scale. Never again.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Letter To The Ex

I want a copy of The Bell Jar.
(Or, rather, I want to be the kind of girl who owns a copy of The Bell Jar.)

I want to be thin and starving.
(Or, perhaps, I want to be the kind of girl who is thin and starving?)

It's 2 am and I can't sleep and I'm playing Tetris and reading Ariel and drinking green tea because it's Good For You.

I wish we still talked.

I'd like to talk to you now, and I know you're still awake because it's only 1 where you are and anyway you never go to bed before 3.

This is one of those nights where I miss you and wish I didn't. I don't want to be the kind of girl who misses you.

(I don't know if that's because I want to be the kind of girl who doesn't miss anybody, or because I want to be the kind of girl who still has you.)
(I don't know if the distinction matters.)

One year and eight days ago I visited you and you asked me where I wanted to sleep. I said I'd take the extra mattress because I am an idiot.
(Later, I told you I didn't know it was a hint.)
(Later, I told you I thought it might be a hint but I was scared.)
(I knew it was a hint. I wasn't scared. I was at my highest weight ever.)
If I had slept with you then, would we have figured out how to work when we both had time to devote to that?
If I had slept with you then, would I be sleeping with you now?

You made me believe in Ever After, you know.
One year and eight days from now we'd have our own apartment in the cities and I'd be doing company work and choreographing and you'd be continuing that start-up of yours and we'd scrape by. We'd have a little kitchen table with a tablecloth from the thrift shop and a vase with fake flowers because real ones are too expensive. We'd have arguments about dinner because if I ate at all it would be vegetables and tofu and you, well, you don't do plants, really. I'd love those arguments. I'd carry those arguments with me in my jacket pocket and turn them over in my hands until they became so worn we'd have no choice but to have them again, and maybe this time one of us would break. I'd carry those arguments into bed with us and as your nails dug into my back they'd feel my spine and ribs and muscle and no fat whatsoever and you'd sound worried and I'd laugh and tell you that as long as I could wake up to you, I'd keep waking up.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Apparently "7 day liquid fast" secretly means "binge at Hour 26 and then, whoops. parents aren't going out like they said so no purging."

As of this morning, 23.5 pounds to lose to be 117 on my 21st.
That's only a net of -50 a day (not including BMR).
I can totally do this.

No food yet today. About to go to my grandmother's for her 86th birthday. There will be salad. It will be delicious.

I know what I want.
I know what I need to do.
It's not a matter of willpower. It's a matter of doing what I absolutely have to do.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

One week liquid fast.
Soymilk allowed if I really need calories.
Workout (at least toning) every day.
4 hours down, 164 to go.

(I just need to do something to prove to myself that I can.
I will succeed.
It will be glorious.)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Successes (and failures)

After my self-motivating post yesterday (thank you all for your lovely comments on it!), I had a semi-successful day.
Cleaned half of my room, got things sorted out with my boss (I'm teaching dance classes at a local studio when I head back to college), worked on director-y stuff (a few of my friends and I have started a new dance company at our school), went to the gym (FINALLY), worked a bit on a short story, read, and started online German lessons.
Not bad.

The gym was 45 minutes elliptical and about 20-30 minutes of upper body strength. My gym has a shite free weights selection so I use their strength machines, and WOW. I've gotten so much stronger since I was last there. Machines that I was previously having trouble moving 40 pounds on I managed to do 6+ reps at 50+ pounds.

I was feeling pretty good about the workout at the time, but I'm only a little bit sore this morning, so clearly I didn't push enough. Ah, well. Today's another chance.

...the thing I'm not particularly pleased about yesterday was intake.
1 pm: A small apple, 2 tbsp cashews. (137 cal)
5:30 pm: Lentils with spinach, tomato, and tofu. (110 cal) * This was supposed to be double, but my mother decided after I was done cooking that she wanted some, so I gave her half of my portion.
7:00 pm: Baby carrots with hummus, 2 artichoke hearts. (155 cal)
9:00 pm: Pita with tomato and tofu. A small apple. (247 cal)
Total: 649 cal
Through exercise: -460 cal
Net: 191

I hate that I had the pita, and I hate that I ate so much so late. Today's a new day.

It's 6:30 and I've been up for 3 hours already.
I woke up at 3:30 and tried to go back to sleep, but my mind was too filled with choreography ideas, so I've been up for a while trying to flesh those out a bit more.

Goals for the day:
Intake under 650
Solidify fall choreography concept
German lessons
Read (a book. not blogs.)
Clean the rest of my room

I hope you lovelies have a successful, happy day. <3


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Do You Have What It Takes To Be Extraordinary?

I used to believe that I did.

I want to believe that I do.

(Warning: this is a long post that's only partially about weight. I need to write this for me. I don't expect y'all to read it.)

I want to be extraordinary.
That used to be something that I worked for every single day of my life.
Rather than sit around wondering what happened, I'm going to get that back.

I've always had these grand ideas of what "success" means for me.
In high school, Success revolved around the ability to be the top of my class, top in my dance studio, and top in any extra-curriculars.
My image of Future Success was the ability to pursue both dance and physics. To one day get a PhD in theoretical physics, but to continue dance as... a hobby? I'm not sure what I thought.
Sophomore year of college I tried to double major in dance and physics, almost flunked out of physics classes as a result. Dropped that shit. Am now a dance and sociology/anthropology double major.
...I don't respect the soc/anthro major. I just don't. I don't think it's useful, I don't think the people in it are particularly intelligent (though, let me brag for a minute, I go to a damn good school. There are no DUMB people at my school. But. Y'know.) and I've lost a lot of respect for myself by being a part of this major.
It gets better because I'm able to combine soc/anthro and dance and basically have made a little performance studies major for myself, so I don't hate myself quite as much because performance studies, while not particularly useful is something that I find incredibly interesting and can talk about for hours on end and, hey, who doesn't want to become an academic?
(Confession: I always wanted to be a scholar. I wanted to have a study with a large mahogany desk, a plush green velvet chair, and walls covered in bookshelves. I would always have a large mug of tea, and a nice tobacco pipe, and a jacket with elbow patches. I would drink scotch. I have since discovered that I'm not overly fond of scotch, but the rest still stands.)

Somehow, in letting go of the physics major, my idea of Success became more all-encompassing.
Now, Success is:
Having my choreography performed outside of an academic setting
Dancing outside of an academic setting
Eventually owning my own dance company
Publishing a fiction book
Publishing an academic/scholarly work
Becoming pentalingual
Being 117 pounds (or lower. This number has been 117, 113, 109, 107, 105, 103, and 98 at different points in time. Right now it's 117.)

Separate from the goals that I want to achieve, I have an idea of what Success looks like. The sort of secondary things that let me be successful, but aren't the goal.
Success involves lots of travel mugs of coffee. Success involves cardigans and glasses as I work through piles of books and papers. Success involves a relationship with somebody else just as busy as I am; it involves seeing them a few times a week and being proud of them and their accomplishments and them being proud of me and my accomplishments. Success involves Friday nights of "finally, a moment to relax." Success involves sleepless nights. Success involves getting up early to write, or read, or edit text/music/video.
I have pictured scenes of my Successful Self over and over again. Sometimes they involve other people; often I'm by myself. They involve tea, coffee, alcohol, books, laptops. Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self eaten.
Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self worried about her weight.
Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self been ashamed of her body.
Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self been this fat.

I need to be Successful. Not just successful, but Successful. I need to achieve what I have set out to achieve. I need to be extraordinary.

I need to actually work on my writing, not just say that it's something I'll do.
I need to actually work on my choreography, not just think about it.
I need to actually become 117 pounds, not just say that I want that.

Yesterday was the last day of being Unsuccessful.
From this moment forward, everything I do will be in pursuit of Success.
I owe myself that much.

Monday, August 12, 2013

It appears that when I'm in this house, I have two modes: eat nothing, and eat everything.

I need to figure this out.

(Nothing happy to share today. Sorry, y'all.)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Lowest Weight In Over A Year

Which means, if I don't fuck up today, I'm on track to break this fast tomorrow morning.
That will be 108(ish) hours of fasting.
I hope I don't fuck it up.
I hadn't been nervous about prematurely breaking the fast before today. But
a) I agreed to go grocery shopping with my father, where I will be incredibly tempted. But this is just an exercise in willpower, and I'm not overly concerned. The bigger problem is
b) My mother, who's been staying with my grandmother up to this point, is coming home this afternoon. While my dad may not notice if I eat or not, she certainly does. Might just escape to Starbucks this evening. I suppose we'll see if I have the energy to walk that distance or not.

Bella asked if I had a plan to break my fast. Right now the plan is a smoothie made of strawberries, kiwi, a handful of spinach, and soymilk (125 cal) for breakfast, and steamed vegetables and fruit for the rest of the day.

And then, starting Tuesday, the gym and I will finally be reunited.

4.5 pounds until my first goal. My original time frame was to hit that 30 days from now. I think I can safely say I'll manage that.

I might think about getting down to 127 and then maintaining for a couple of weeks. Ward off any maternal suspicion, make sure I'm strong enough for dance, etc.etc.
But make no mistake, I WILL be 120 or below on October 10th. I have 60 days to do it.

ALSO! I get to make seitan tonight! That's a big part of the reason I'm going to ze grocery store with my father. Seitan is a vegan protein source made of vital wheat gluten. It's chewy and lovely and for 150 calories you get 20 grams of protein. Basically, it's the best and ALSO super fun to make because you have to knead it a bit like bread and you can be like

("Grr argh" courtesy of Joss Whedon. aka the guy behind Buffy/Angel/Firefly/Serenity/Dollhouse/Dr. Horrible/Cabin in the Woods/The Avengers. aka my favorite person ever.)

Aaaaaaand I've been up for two hours. It's not even 7 yet.
I'm not good at sleeping when I fast. -sigh-

Hope you're all having lovely days.

Edit: I dunno if it's because I let myself get thirsty, if it's because I've been up for six hours now, or if it's because I spent an hour and a half walking around grocery stores and buying delicious (and healthy) food, but holy.fucking.shit. am I hungry. Making coffee now to attempt to destroy this. least I know my metabolism hasn't shut down yet?

Saturday, August 10, 2013


Another 1.5 pounds down!
Which means I've lost 5.5 pounds in a week. Not too bad, if I do say so myself. I'm back at my low weight for the year.

61 hours into the fast and it hasn't been terribly difficult yet. I've done my own version of greying out a few times (for some reason I lose vision completely in my right eye, but my left is fine) and I've had the house to myself a lot, which means the urge to b/p is always there. I haven't given in. I will not give in.

Now, I know I'm not going to hit 133 by the end of 72 hours, and I know I won't hit it tomorrow morning, either. So the fast extends until I see 133 staring up at me. Or until my mother insists we cook/eat/go out for dinner together. So either way, food will happen Monday at the earliest.

And the day after food happens, the gym will begin happening.
Because as much as I might like feeling light and airy and empty, that's not gonna fly when I start preseason. My school's dance company has us all come back five days before classes start, and in that time we learn a brand new piece, which means 10-4 rehearsal every single day. It's always tough, and I need to be strong for it, not empty.
So. Gym.
I'm thinking start 45 minutes on the elliptical, alternating days arm and leg weights, 30 more minutes on the elliptical, then stretching and abs. Every. Single. Day.
Eventually I'll work up to an hour for each elliptical session.
I might add yoga in the mornings, as well.
Because I'll burn around 800 cal in these gym sessions (to begin with, at least), I think I'll let my total intake be something like 750 with at least 80 grams of protein.

I have a plan.
I am seeing results.
I'm going to take this as a cue to be productive in other aspects of my life, as well.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Tsk Tsk, Telling Lies

We remember K? The former-circus-freak friend with ED and SH problems who I stayed with before dance festival?
A few things about her.
1) She hates that she has these problems. She suffers through them. She hates everything associated with it.
2) She and I were almost dating at the end of the school year (after D and I broke up I was too much of a mess to actually date her, but she had feelings for me and we hooked up quite a bit).
3) She expects us to end up in a relationship when we get back to school, despite me telling her that it's not going to happen and that she should use the summer to get over me.
4) We don't lie to each other.

Except that she thinks I'm more or less fully recovered from my eating problems.
She knew that I struggled with them before, including at the end of last school year. But I've told her that being at the dance festival fixed them and I'm all recovered.

Because I don't want her pity.
Because I don't want her checking up on me.
Because I don't want her worrying looks.
Because I want to do this. All the way.
And so I've been lying to her. For the first time ever.
And I don't care.


PS, 137.5 this morning. Currently 45 hours without food and I feel great. I find this a lot easier when I actually feel hungry... does that make any sense?

Thursday, August 8, 2013

24 hours down... how many to go?

142 last night right after the binge.
139.5 this morning.
I'm relieved that I didn't break 140 for more than a few hours.
24 hours without food, 138.5.

I had 30 calories today in the form of half a can of Orange Melon Starbucks Refreshers Energy Drink (had the other half yesterday). Besides that, black coffee and water.
Almost made and consumed a full batch of pancakes. Didn't. Success.

I'm hoping to drop down to 137 tomorrow morning. I dunno. We'll see.
If I can drink another two bottles of water and a mug or two of green tea with lemon before bed, I think I should get there.
Then it's just 4 more pounds until food. Probably a 72 hour fast in total. I think the longest I've gone is 56-ish hours, but that was with dance. Given the lack of exercise that's been happening recently, I don't think I'll have a problem making it to 72.
If it takes longer than 72, fine. Not another piece of food will pass my lips until I see 133 on the scale.
And then food which will be carefully planned, controlled, and spaced throughout the day, because we all know if I start eating without a plan, I won't stop until it hurts.
I'm thinking a 1250 calorie deficit a day--that will make me lose 2.5 pounds a week. So if I don't exercise at all, I get to eat ((BMR*1.2)-1250)=370 calories. More if I exercise.

ALSO: thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting! Sam Lupin and Skinny Bitch especially, your commenting sprees made my day. :)
To ANYONE who's commented (Bella and Warlock's Mistress, looking at you guys) : I'm working through your blog archives and I'll subscribe/start commenting when I'm caught up, promise! Much love to all of you. <3

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Conversation With My Father:

Him: "Did you have dinner already?"
Me: "Yeah."
"What did you have?"
Me: "There was some [soy] chicken in the freezer."
"Did you open it or was it already open?"
"It was already opened. I finished it off."
"YOU FINISHED IT OFF? I hope there was only one piece!"
(It was this stuff. A serving is about five or six pieces.)
"Well, what will I have for dinner? I would have chicken, but somebody ate it all."
<taking a tupperware container of something I had intended to bring to lunch at the dance intensive, which didn't end up happening because, y'know, no dance intensive>
"How many calories did you say were in here?"
"In the whole thing? I'm not going to eat the whole thing! God! This is huge!"
(Yeah, fuck you, it was meant for the middle of a 6-hour intensive. Even I know that I'm allowed to eat under those circumstances.)
"What is this? Brown rice?"
"Where did you get brown rice?"
" the cabinet."
"You cooked it?"
"I didn't know you could cook brown rice in the microwave!"
"You can, but I didn't."
"Wow, I didn't know you could use a stove!"

Fuck. You. You. Fucking. Asshole.
I cook all the fucking time, and that was especially true before the ED bullshit. I cook WELL. DO NOT call into question my cooking skills.
He also likes to pretend that he eats healthier foods than I do, that everything I eat is crap, and that he's a better person for it. He likes to pretend that he's in great shape because he mountain bikes a few times a week (which, admittedly, is pretty good for a 61-year-old) and that I'm in awful shape, never exercise, and am incredibly unhealthy.
Dude. Even when I binge it's on protein-rich, vegetable-filled, whole grain kind of stuff. When I'm at school I dance 20ish hours a week and workout at least three times a week on top of that. I LIKE vegetables. He won't eat broccoli, beets, cauliflower, spinach, green beans, sweet potato, or avocado. He won't eat any kind of berries unless it's in the form of a strawberry milkshake. Dude's like five pounds away from being obese.


(Also, was not lying. I ate dinner. I actually binged. On soy chicken, on a soy riblet, on brown rice and beans with vegetables. On a few tortilla chips, but literally just ate 1300 calories and 87 grams of protein. So. Y'know. It could have been a lot worse, and this protein (99 grams total today) should keep me going for a while.At 1700 calories today. Fasting starts now, going until I see 133. Will NOT be in this house more than I absolutely have to.)

Aaaaand /endrant.

Sorry, y'all.
Hope your days are skinny and lovely and filled with less annoying people than mine. <3

Let's Go Back To The Start

138 this morning.
I deserve 140s. 150s.


About to head to Starbucks to hide out for the day.
No food until I'm 133. That's only 5 pounds. Maybe a 3-day liquid fast? Caffeine obviously allowed.

Goals for the day:
Re-edit what I have of the novel, write 15 more pages.
Consume <400 calories in the form of caffeine.
Make it through the first chapter of Harry Potter und der Stein der Weisen (that's HP1 in German.)

If I can't be a decent person, I'll at least be a successful one. Skinny, well-read, artistic, multilingual.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

180 degrees

New plan of action:
eat everything because the outsides should reflect the insides: greedy, disgusting, lazy, fat, and ugly.

(hahajk of course I just took laxatives 'cause I'm too fucking vain to let people see how disgusting I am.)
(can't do this anymore.)

We're Goin' Down

I KNOW some of that is dehydration (even though I was drinking water like crazy yesterday, I get dehydrated super fast when I don't eat).
But 137.5.
That's less than I weighed a year and a half ago when I developed an ED (er, when I dove into this round of the ED. I'll give you guys my full history at some point, if you're interested).
That's a pound and a half above my lowest weight in the last fifteen months (short version: I developed a nasty b/p habit and gained).
That's only 7.5 pounds away from my first goal.
That's only 17.5 pounds away from my birthday goal. In 64 days.
Maybe I should lower that goal.

I would love to keep up this momentum by fasting (it's been 25 hours since last food).
I'm absolutely terrified that if I put one bit of solid food in my mouth, it's going to lead to a binge and un-do not only the last three days (yes, that's 4 pounds in three days!) of work, but above and beyond that.
I'm not hungry. I'm empty. I have a headache, but that can be fixed with caffeine and water.
...but I can already see myself losing muscle definition from not working out, which is Unacceptable.

I'm going to be playing caretaker Thursday and Friday, then again Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
I think, and this may be the worst plan ever, because so very much could go wrong, but I think I'll eat today, tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, and go to the gym those days. 1-2 hours cardio, 30-60 minutes strength training.
I'll fast when I'm at my grandmother's.
That might be a suicide mission, because who the hell can not eat while at a grandparent's house, but I feel so strong. If I have to eat, it'll be <100 calories of vegetables.

Food on the eating days will be <500 calories with as much protein and vegetables packed in as possible.

Every day I'll drink at least 2 mugs of green tea and 100 oz of water.

Also, if I stay under 138 tomorrow, that means I get to open my first goal polish! It's a gorgeous metallic purple, so I'm incredibly excited. Will probably post pictures once I have it on. :)

Stay skinny, ladies. <3

Monday, August 5, 2013

I Don't Understand Today

Watch out, this is a long one.
It's 10 am and I'm already this confused about the world?

Woke up at 5:45 to get ready for this intensive. Weight was 141 because I was a fat pigbitch and had nuts and raisins last night.

Ate breakfast (450 calories. I hated every moment of eating it, but hey, six hours of dance burns at least 1500 calories. Actual estimates say 1800-2400, but that seems too high, so I always assume 250/hour, or 1500 for six hours).
Now, here's the thing. I don't drive. So, no problem, I'm in a city, I'll take the bus to the intensive. In theory, I'd take a bus from my neighborhood to downtown and have ten minutes to walk about two blocks and catch a second bus out to the studio.
Yeah, well.
Caught the first bus at 7:15. Right on time. Was supposed to get off at 7:45. Except at 7:45 we had barely hit downtown. Didn't get to my stop until 8:10. Found where I was supposed to catch the next bus (it's now 8:15) except, oh wait, it's detoured MORE than what the bus's website claims. It doesn't hit downtown AT ALL anymore! I can take the subway out to where I could catch the next one, except when I get there (8:20), the next subway I can take will get me where I need to be just in time to miss the next bus, meaning I won't get to the studio until about 9:30 when I was supposed to be there at 8:30.
Yeah. I don't do late. I REFUSE to be late. Hell, I specifically took an earlier bus than I (should have) needed to just to get to the studio 20 minutes early!
But couldn't I be late just this once and explain?
Here's the thing: I emailed the intensive director three months after auditions asking to be let in. She did, and gave me a full scholarship because I took from her in highschool and she remembered me. Favor Number One.
I never sent in the scholarship acceptance/registration forms that I was supposed to have sent in two weeks ago, so they didn't actually know I was coming. I was going to turn them in today and hope for the best. Favor Number Two.
Add being an hour later to that? No. Unacceptable.
So instead, I came home. Took a bus that dropped me off a mile away so I'd have to walk a bit (because, oh yeah, I have those 450 calories of breakfast in me FOR NO REASON now).
It's okay. Not going to this intensive means that I can play caretaker for my grandmother and give my mom and aunts a break.
My grandma was in the hospital last Thanksgiving and has needed an oxygen tank and near-24 hour care since then. Whenever I'm home on break, I do it. I don't mind. It gives my mom and aunts a break, which is great for them. It's just... so DULL. She needs help getting out of bed, dressed, and downstairs, then she usually doesn't need anything until she goes back to bed at night. But she can't be left alone--she's not very strong anymore, could fall easily, and can't reach her oxygen if she needs to turn it up. So it's important that someone be there, it's just that 90% of the time that person is just sitting on the couch, watching whatever daytime television show she's decided to turn on.
And if that person is me, it also involves her telling me to eat. And eat. And eat.

So this was all going through my mind as I was walking home. How I had breakfast, how I was going to get fat from a) not dancing b) not being able to exercise because I can't leave her alone and c) having food forced on me. I was near panic with the thought of how much weight I'd gain.

And then.

I got home.

I emptied my bladder, stripped down, and weighed myself again (because I have a nasty habit of stepping on the scale every time I'm in the bathroom).

It didn't register.
I stared at the number.
I stepped off the scale.
Moved it over a tile.
Back on.
Off again.
On again.

So. I guess I'm 139.5. Huh. 2 pounds down since Saturday.
I told you, today's been a real head scratcher.
(Now I just need to keep this up while I'm gone.)

Sunday, August 4, 2013


Thought process this morning:

I didn't gain. Thank god. Fucking relief.
...I lost! I actually lost!
If I hadn't eaten at all last night, I TOTALLY could have been under 140. Fatass.
It is 100% possible to see the 130s tomorrow. Any modicum of self control will make that a reality.

It's currently 4:30 pm and I've yet to leave the house. I ended up not only unpacking, but going through all of my clothing and sorting some out to be donated or thrown away, and I'm in the process of cleaning the rest of my room.
I just had an early dinner/late lunch--half of a cucumber with a tbsp of hummus and five slices (one serving) on Yves meatless deli ham. That plus the soymilk in coffee throughout the day (half cup total) is 179 calories for the day AND 18 grams of protein. I'm very happy about that intake.
"If every day were like today, you'd weigh 125.4 lbs in 5 weeks!"

Going to drink tea and water until I go to bed tonight in hopes of seeing 139 tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow I (I THINK) start a two-week dance intensive, which runs from 9 am to 4 pm six days a week. That also means that I need to eat at least breakfast and lunch every day, because six hours of dance on no food is not a thing that can happen.
I think if I keep my intake in the 750-1000 range during the intensive, I'll still be able to lose and everything will be okay.

ALSO: I've somehow skyrocketed from 8 to 12 followers in the last week, so THANK YOU to everyone who reads my ramblings! <3

Saturday, August 3, 2013


I ate more.

Seems my days always go like this: not-eat not-eat not-eat not-eat EAT.

No purging. Back home now, so that's a non-option.
Took laxatives, gonna keep guzzling down this bottle of water.

Tomorrow will be a day entirely devoted to not eating.
I have a plan!
I will wake up, drink coffee.
Dress nicely, do my nails, do my makeup.
At this point it'll probably be noon.
I'll take my laptop and some books to Starbucks and get a refresher or some black coffee and
a) Read some German, because I want to get my abilities back up.
b) Work on my novel.
c) Work on choreography stuff.

I won't come home until after eight, at which point it will be FAR too late to eat. I might work on some beading.

That is how I will stay away from food ALL DAY tomorrow.
Because fuck.this.shit.


It's sad that I'm excited about 141.5, but there it is.
(Especially because it's the afternoon and I had breakfast and everything.)
...if I just drinkanddrinkanddrink water and tea until tonight, I might be under 140 tomorrow morning? I tend to fluctuate a lot, and I had that huge meal yesterday, so maybe?

But even if not.
Here's the thing.
I want to weigh 120 lbs on my 21st birthday (October 10th). That's only 21.5 lbs down from what I am now. 21.5 lbs in 68 days. That's barely over 2 lbs a week! Holy shit, that's TOTALLY possible. I'm feeling super super positive about this.

(Today's intake: 500 calories exactly. The breakfast and lunch I mentioned earlier plus a Starbacks Orange Melon Refresher Energy Drink thingy. They're 60 calories and delicious and filling.)

Stay skinny. <3


Yesterday and today (so far, it's only 7:30 am) have been serious foodfests.

We left the beach yesterday and drove to have dinner with my dad's relatives, about three hours away. The plan was to not eat until dinner with them, then have salad.
About that.
Y'see. Breakfast. Was a thing. A handful of nuts, some dried fruit. Then another handful of both. Then an apple. Then the remainder of a salad that we either had to eat or throw out (but that's like 20 calories of vegetables, so I'm not that bothered).
I was panicking a little, but it was like, hey, so I ate some fruits, vegetables, and nuts. Nothing awful. It'll be fine. High in calories (because you're a fat pig and ate huge portions), but good for you.
Well. During the roadtrip we stopped at a gas station and for some inexplicable reason I got Swedish Fish AND Sour Patch Kids AND Oreos. So I had like 400 calories of gummy candy plus the Oreos. Fucking hell.
AND THEN the salad I was supposed to have for dinner? Yeah, got a veggie burger with avocado instead. I'm not mad about this. It was a really nice all vegan/vegetarian restaurant, everything was INCREDIBLY delicious. I thought about purging it, but the guilt at the price and just the general atmosphere was too much. But again, not bad. If that had been the only thing I ate yesterday, I would have considered the day a success.

As is, it was a massive failure. My stomach is huge. I swear I can feel the fat growing on me. 8 hour roadtrip today, so couldn't do laxatives and also can't spend the day drinking water to flush everything out.
And, to top that off, I already had breakfast. Oats with peanut butter and a banana (250 cal). I grabbed two free bags of dried fruit and nuts (both 90 calories), so I think I can claim those as a lunch, which puts me at 430 for the day. Hopefully I'll be able to skip dinner, too.

(Also holy shit I'm going home which means I have a scale. I don't know if I can face getting on it or not. Ahhhh.)

Hope your days are thinner than mine. <3

Thursday, August 1, 2013



After "dinner" (spinach and tomato) I binged on an  almost-full box of Poptarts (not vegan, by the way. I suck.) amongst other things.
And my mom noticed they were gone.
And she asked if I knew where they were.
And I said no, because she KNOWS they're not vegan, and if I had admitted to eating them, she would know something was up, and anyway I had literally JUST gotten done purging (with shower as cover), so yeah, no.
And I know it was stupid to eat them because they're not something I would normally eat and I'm an only child so obviously they think I'm the one that's lying (except not, because I've been vegan for 8 years and I "wouldn't eat something that had an animal product in it!") and they're still looking for them and commenting on how weird it is and they WON'T LET IT GO.

I'm shaking. I'm about to fucking cry.
What if they find out?
What if everything unravels because of this fucking box of poptarts?
I'm such a fucking idiot.
If I had better self control, I wouldn't have binged in the first place.
And now it's going to destroy everything.


Incentives, Incentives

Good day, dollfaces.

Has anyone else found that when they don't eat, they either sleep all.the.time. or don't sleep at all?
Because that's me.
I tried to go to bed at 11 last night, didn't end up sleeping until about 12:30, then was up from 2-4:30, then ACTUALLY got up at 7:30. It's like not-eating fills me with so much adrenaline that I just CAN'T sleep.
Oh well. You burn more calories when you're aware, right?

I spent most of that time reading Rayya's archives. I'm up to February 2012. Something she recently (er... "recently" as in "in-January-or-Febraury-of-2012") mentioned was buying nail polish and wrapping them up individually, to be unwrapped when she reaches her goal weights.
Well, I'm a Julep Maven, which is basically this program that's free to sign up for where you automatically get a $20 box of polish each month (but you can skip any given month and not get charged [which I do often, 'cause funds aren't THAT high]) and also on the first of each month you get access to their "secret store" where there's a lot of produce 50%+ off. SO. At like 3 am I spent $45 on polish (a really pretty pastel trio and a "secret box" which has $100-$200 worth of mystery product) and am going to do the same thing. I may or may not be a bit of a nail polish and lipstick junkie. It might be a slight problem. But whatever. Gonna use it to my advantage.
I think it'll be every three pounds I lose (and keep off for more than a day), I get to open a polish.
I don't know what I weigh right now, because there's no scale at this condo. Alas.

I was hoping to keep not-eating today, but I think my parents are going to insist on a sit-down-all-together dinner. All I've had today is soymilk in coffee, a Starbucks Refresher (60 cal!), and a couple of nibbles of sample stuff that my parents kept offering. Definitely under 150 right now.
Hopefully I'll be able to eat just vegetables, maybe so beans. I think that should be okay, especially because we spent almost 6 hours walking around the outlet mall today.
It was a good shopping trip. I didn't break down in a dressing room AT ALL, AND I got TWO new pairs of jeans! One is a 4, one is a 6. Loads of new shirts, too--all S or XS. Hoping in six months time I'll be a 2-4 and definitively XS, but whatever. My waist, in a lot of stores, is about a size 2, but my hips/thighs are a 4 or 6. Hmph.

Hoping if I have to eat dinner, I'll be able to go for a walk later. Also absolutely exhausted right now, though, so maybe not.

Either way, a solid day.
Hope you guys are doing well, too!

(Also, I have two new followers! HI!
And thanks for your lovely comments, Sam Lupin. :) Today's been a lot better, and I'm almost 24 hours without purging! Hope you're doing well.)