Friday, January 31, 2014


My hip flexor has been bothering me for about a week now, and just got really bad in the past couple of days.
So I haven't been dancing.
I'm not planning on dancing again at least until Monday.
No dance=no reason to eat and/or keep food down. Been not-eating or b/p'ing every day since it got bad.
So I'm at 135.2 this morning.
If I can lost .7 pounds/day, I'll be in the 120s for Midwinter Ball.
If I can lose 1 pound/day, I'll be at 127.2.
God, that sounds awesome.

The plan is to just do what I've been doing, plus add push-ups, crunches, and planks to stay in shape/keep muscle without irritating my hip flexor.

I like this downward trend.
I just need to keep doing what I'm doing.
I have enough discipline for that. Right?

Love and Coffee,
--The Dancer

Monday, January 27, 2014


Went up instead of downdowndown.
But I lost about a quarter inch on my waist.
So who knows.

Yesterday ran two rehearsals from 9-11:30 am, then had brunch. Quinoa burger on bread (eww, should have skipped the bread) with hummus, lettuce, and tomato, steamed broccoli, and a small bowl of vegetable chickpea soup. Came back, had a short rehearsal/run-through of an upcoming show, then had a hummus sandwich on a bagel and an orange. Then a four-hour solo rehearsal, in the middle of which I had an orange, and I was done by 7:30 pm. Had spinach with carrots, lots of tofu, and tomato sauce for dinner, and a handful of pistachios as a snack afterwards.

Breakfast today was oatmeal (150) with peanut butter (200) a banana (90) and raisins (100) for 540.
The rest of the day is fruit (an apple and an orange, 135) and lentils (230) with couscous (90) for a total of 995. Might have more fruit than that, but not over 1200.
Today is an hour of ballet, an hour of modern, a pretty intense 2-hour rehearsal, then on my feet teaching for two hours, then running an hour-long rehearsal for a dance number in a theatre production. I'll probably burn about 1100 through activity.
(I know these intake numbers are high compared to what you girls are used to seeing, and that with a weight like what I'm at I have no business eating that much, but dance is my current job and hopefully my future career. I need to fuel enough to train properly.)

I haven't purged in over a week. I don't remember the last time, I just know that I haven't let myself because of the solo rehearsals. This piece is intense, and constant, and it's just me, and I absolutely can't let myself get dehydrated or wobbly or underfueled during it. I felt like I was going to pass out halfway through on Saturday, and when it's just you... that reads. I passed it off as tiredness from having turned in a thesis draft the day before (true) and the solo being hours 5-8 of rehearsal in a row that day (also true), but this choreographer is brilliant and connected and I need to be more impressive. I need to be better. Unfortunately, for now, that means food.

Hope you lovelies are doing well.
All my love,
--The Dancer

Thursday, January 23, 2014


Even though I ate yesterday.
Like a lot.
(It's okay.)
I had two apples, an orange, a 450 calorie pack of nuts and dried cranberries.
That should have been it, but my rehearsal schedule has been so incredibly intense (it wasn't yesterday, but the day before was hellish and today will be hellish, too) and my body was just actually about to give out on me. So when I got home from rehearsals I had carrot sticks and celery stick with hummus and a couple handfuls of raw nuts.
My body still just HURT, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get through today, so I had a protein bar (270 cal, 20 g protein) right before bed.
I just did the math and yesterday was around 1275. But I also burned somewhere in the 400-600 range through dance, so it's not the worst.
I went to bed at midnight. I got up at 4:30. So at 4:30 am, 4.5 hours of sleep, I was down .6 pounds from yesterday.
I'm calling that the requisite .7 pounds/day.
136.8 today. Hopefully I'll hit 136 even tomorrow.

So it's okay that I ate.
(And it actually is, sort of.)
(This week is so hard.)

I need to eat at least two meals today. I have a skills test in modern this morning, so breakfast.
I have a four-hour intense solo rehearsal with a professional choreographer this afternoon (aka the reason my body hurts SO MUCH), so some kind of lunch. Probably just vegetables and tofu, but maybe a veggie burger with half of a bun.
I'll probably eat a snack tonight, too. Nuts or a protein bar or hot chocolate made with light soy milk. I have a second draft of my thesis due on Friday that's in bad shape, so I need to be able to work on it.
(Hence getting up at 4:30.)

I know I'm just full of excuses today/this week/always.
But maybe some of them are real? If we assume I count as "very active," then the calories necessary to maintain my weight is 2500.
So 1275 isn't the worst?

I'm feeling very lost recently.
But it's okay. I'll find my way.

(You'll find yours, too.)
Love always,
--The Dancer

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Never gone, just ashamed.

Forgive me ana, for I have sinned. It has been one month since my last confession.

(I feel pretty questionable about the pro-ana personification/deification of anorexia, but I couldn't get that line out of me head.)

This is my 100th post.
I wanted Post 100 to be something special. Magical. Accomplished. A landmark of sorts.
I wanted to be under 130.
Yet here I stand, 137.4 after a sort of binge-y day yesterday. I binged on protein bars. Who does that? (At least I'll be strong?)

I'm so busy these days, and it's so easy for me to say oh, I have three or four or eight hours of dance today, I need to eat everything in sight. It's so easy to say oh, I only got five hours of sleep again, I need to eat to get through the day.  It so easy to say oh, no, I really need to do this work, I don't have time to go to the gym.

Where have I wound up with that kind of thinking? At 137.4.
(I hope it's really lower. I had a pretty intense rehearsal yesterday, and I'm so, so sore. I hope my muscles are holding on to lots of water. I hope I still have food weight in me. I hope I'm not REALLY above 136 yet again.)

Midwinter Ball is in 18 days. I want to be 125 for it. 12.4 pounds in 18 days? .7 pounds a day.
I can do that.
I need to do that. K and I are still dating--a little over three months. And she's so GOOD at starving. At being tiny. Her stomach's flat, and when she lies down her ribs and hips are higher than her stomach. I have ribs always and hipbones when I lie down, too, but I also have this stupid little pooch of stomach still. I don't deserve her. I need to deserve her. I need to be 125.

Today I have ballet, modern, and a two-hour rehearsal. The piece we're rehearsing, at least in its current existence, is more walking than anything really strenuous. I think I can get away with not eating. I'll bring a couple of oranges just in case, but I don't think I'll need them.

Here's to being better.
--The Dancer