Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I Like My Patterns?

Guess what happened after my last post?

If you guessed "she went for a walk to burn calories and avoid lunch," you'd be correct.
If you guessed "this dumb bitch ate a whole bunch of carbs and then purged them," well, you'd also be correct.

So. Y'know. That.
I. Don't. Like. This.
I want to just restrict.
I don't have a fucking problem with restricting.
I have a problem with purging.
THAT is what is bad.
I need to get away from that, and the only way that'll happen is if I

Okay. No more food until I go home.
Maybe after.
Fuck this shit.


Woke up feeling f.a.t.
(What else is new?)

Woke up at 8. Was supposed to wake up at 6:30 to go for a run. That didn't happen. I EVEN WENT TO BED AT LIKE 11 WHY WAS I SO EXHAUSTED? Ugh. Fatass. Lazy.
Breakfast was 2 tbsp of soymilk and cinnamon in about 2 cups of coffee.
Around 11 I had a kiwi and then went out and laid by the pool for like two hours. I wanted to swim laps but there were just so many people around and I don't swim very well and I would have been super self conscious. So that didn't happen.
I've made a huge salad (spinach, tomato, red pepper, avocado, and soy nuts) that's 468 calories for the entire bowl and I told my parents (who are now on a "health kick" kindofsortof) that I was going to have it for lunch and dinner (they probably think I'll have it with something else, but whatever) and that was the plan but then I ate the kiwi. So. I dunno. I'm hoping I'll have some for lunch, some for dinner, and the rest at some point tomorrow. But even if I eat it all today, that's 520 calories total today which is definitely not bad, especially if I workout.

We're going to an outlet mall to go shopping tomorrow. I'm hoping to really re-do my wardrobe this year. It's my last year of college before I go out and try to make it as a dancer/choreographer, aka in the artsy world where self expression is super important, and I just want to... I dunno... make my clothes funkier. And my parents are feeling super generous right now, so gonna get some clothes out of them now and then just spend a lot of time back at school thrifting. I don't want to buy anything unless I love it 100%, and that'll be so much easier when I'm skinny.

So anyway.
I need to feel skinny tomorrow so I don't have a breakdown in a dressing room like I have every other time (except yesterday!) that I've tried to go shopping in the last, oh, year.
Yeah. Ugh.
Anyway. It's 1 pm and all I've had is a kiwi and coffee and green tea, so maybe I can skip lunch altogether and just have some of the salad for dinner. Maybe not even half. Hmm.

Stay skinny, loves. <3

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


That countdown, by the way, is until my 21st birthday.
I want to be 120 by then.
I'm 143 right now. But I gained a LOT of muscle at the dance festival, and I'm definitely smaller than I was the last time I was at 143.
So that's nice.
I still want to be 120 for my 21st.

Was going to get up this morning at 6:30 to go for a run, but I was up from 1:30-4, so when my alarm went off... yeah, that didn't happen. Did Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown (35 minutes). It was a workout! That long for yoga usually burns about 100 calories, so I'd estimate I burned 150 on this.
Breakfast was black coffee with cinnamon.
Brunch on the beach (11 am) was steamed spinach and tomato, a kiwi, and 10 grapes. 102 calories.
It's 1:30 pm and that's all I've had today. About to go out shopping with the parents, then my dad wants to go to a Mongolian Grill for dinner. Even though the sauces are probably high in calories, I can get a huge bowl of broccoli, cabbage, and sprouts and just make that last all evening. Not bad.

Got 2 new (very, very cute) shirts. Both the smallest size the store had. One is actually a little large on me. Fuck yeah. The store owner goes around to fashion shows and buys clothing from them, so there wasn't anything particularly big in the store, and I was terrified that I was going to be too huge for the clothing, but I wasn't. Not in the least. That was a really good feeling.

Had an entire red bell pepper (31 cal) and a tbsp of hummus (25 cal) before we left to go shopping (around 2) so I wouldn't go insane at the grill.
Had dinner at 5. I had three plates that totaled about 550 calories. Two plates of grilled vegetables (one with pineapple), and a plate of salad. 200 of those calories are me estimating the sauces, so I had 350 of solid food. Totally avoided the noodles and rice. Fuck yeah.
We were walking around for about three hours shopping, as well. I'll assume I burned 300 calories with that.

The day, then, is as totals:
Intake: 705 calories.
Output: 450 calories.
Net: 255 calories.
"If every day were like today, you'd weigh 126.4 pounds in 5 weeks"
(Thanks, MyFitnessPal! Looking forward to it.)

At more. Purged. With parents in condo. Again.

Monday, July 29, 2013

I Did A Bad, Bad Thing

I'm sharing a condo with my parents right now.
I purged. While they were both in.
I have never EVER purged while either of them has been in the house, let alone in a single-floor condo.
I had to take a shot to give me the courage to do it.
But I did it.

Which, to me, is a sign that this whole binge-purge thing is getting REALLY FUCKING OUT OF CONTROL.
Restriction starts tomorrow.
Fucking hell.

Saturday, July 13, 2013


Given that I've b/p'ed four times in the last three days, I think it's safe to say that's a pattern that's continuing.
Given that I comfortably fit into shorts that have given me rolls every time I've tried them on in the past, oh, year, I think it's safe to say that I'm okay with that.
Here's the problem, though: Unless I want to go to Whole Foods and spend epic shittons of money, the closest food source is about a 10-15 minute walk away. Which isn't bad until you're in the middle of a binge and every second counts and, oh, look at that, you just ate food that wasn't yours. And again. And again.

I'm okay with the b/p. I'm not okay with the stealing food to do it. I had some extra time today, so I went to that cheaper food source (Dollar General) and stocked up on binge foods. Given that I was NOT in the mood to binge, it felt very, very odd stacking cereal, candy, and other junk into my basket. If I'm not b/p-ing, even when I'm not restricting, I like to eat healthy food. BUying so much SHIT was a strange experience.
What I walked away with:

1 box Dollar General brand Frosted Flakes
1 box Cookie Crisp
1 large bag Skittles
1 large bag sour gummies
4 individually-boxed pies (2 apple, 2 cherry)
1 medium bag Chex Mix
1 large bag pretzels

These are all just sitting in my desk drawers, waiting for the urge to binge to strike.
(Who am I kidding, it's always there. But I have a performance later tonight and I don't want to be bloated.)
(Who am I kidding, I'll probably b/p again anyway, hell with bloat. But. Y'know. I can pretend.)
I'm a little disgusted that they're there. I'm a little disgusted that people, real, normal PEOPLE WITHOUT EDs buy and consume this shit.
It is thoroughly baffling to me.

It is 1 pm.

Thus far today I have:

Woken at 6 am.
Drank three mugs of water, one of coffee.
Made a list of dance MFA programs to apply for (there are 10).
Had oatmeal with a peach and peanut butter. More oats and more peanut butter than the past two days.
Read more of Wasted.
B/p'd. Binge, Round One: Oreos. Frosted Flakes with soymilk (not mine. Stupid greedy thieving bitch). Oatmeal with a peach and peanut butter. Soy "beef", fried in canola oil and soy sauce. Didn't feel full enough to purge. Went to Whole Foods, brought food back to the dorms.
Binge, Round Two: Salt and pepper chips, grapes, strawberry rhubarb, chocolate mousse, tater tots, chicken fried tofu.
Binge, Round Three: The rest of the tofu, strawberry rhubarb, and chocolate mousse. A (huge) carrot cake cupcake.
Finished Wasted. I found that I like to read Wasted or Wintergirls or ED blogs or weight loss blogs/forums while I eat. It feels awful and oh so wonderful.

Progress, Of A Sort

Sooooo yesterday didn't go particularly well.

No morning workout.
Breakfast: 1/3 cup oats with 1 tbsp peanut butter, a peach. 3 mugs green tea.
Mid-morning snack: Remaining 1/3 of an almond cookie.
2 hour modern class.
Lunch: Sesame seed bagel with cucumber, a carrot, 1/2 of a bell pepper, 12 almonds.
2 hour modern class... oh wait, we just chatted the whole time. Which was nice, and helpful, and I didn't have much energy anyway, but there goes 2 hours of exercise. Whoops.
2 hour comp class. A little walking around, a little dancing. Nothing notable.
Got home. Hungry as fuck. Chugged "flavored sparkling water" (aka diet soda in fruit flavors, let's be real). Felt less hungry.
Ate pita chips, a bagel with cucumber, the rest of the cucumber, a chocolate cookie, more pita chips. Purged purged purged. (So much for not having time to b/p).
Took laxatives afterwards, just in case.

We interrupt this intake log to bring the following news: that was three days of b/p in a row. I think I might be slipping into an actual sub-type? Interesting.

Went to the show. There, had 2 cups of coffee with sugar free vanilla syrup and 2 packets of sugar.
Got back to the dorms. Ravenous. And of course everyone was in the lounge, eating (ordering pizza, getting take-out) and watching tv. I hate (oh fucking god): 2 sesame seed bagels with peanut butter; one had sliced apple, the other had sliced peach. A few handfuls of pita chips. 5 tortilla chips with guacamole.
Luckily I already had the laxatives in me.

Went to bed at 1:30 am. Woke up at 6, stomach in knots. Laxatives haven't fully worked their magic yet, but they're getting there. I feel bloated and disgusting.

The funny part, and what this post's title refers to, is that this morning's "bloated" (at least, and excuse me for TMI, after laxatives have been partially effective) looks a hell of a lot better than "normal" from three days ago. That's progress. Of a sort.

Friday, July 12, 2013

16 Days Until Beach

My stomach is already looking flatter. This is good.

My right hamstring decided to spaz out in the middle of my last class yesterday, though, and is still feeling odd, so no working out this morning. Still 4 hours of dance today, so, y'know, that's something.

Just finished breakfast: 1/3 cup oats with 1 tbsp natural peanut butter and a peach. 260 cal, 9 g protein. Same as yesterday. It looks like I'm going to be in the 650-700 cal range for today, which I think I'm okay with? Also, going to see a show this evening, so no time/opportunity to b/p. Which is good, I think, because my stomach was really upset for like hours after last night's session. Whoops.

Hope all of you are doing well. Will probably post again after the show tonight with final intake and such. We shall see.

Thursday, July 11, 2013


7:30-8:30 am: 1 hour on the elliptical.
9 am: 1/3 cup oats with 1 tbsp peanut butter, a peach. 260 cal.
10:15-12:15: Dance.
12:30 pm: 1/2 red bell pepper, 1 carrot, 1/2 cucumber, 2 tbsp hummus, 1/3 cup soy nuts. 262 calories.
1:30-3:15 pm: Dance.
3:45-5:45 pm: Comp class. Lots of walking around.
6:30-7:40 pm: Pita chips with hummus, bagel with cucumber, chocolate peanut butter soy ice cream. Purged. All gone.
Other exercise: 25 push-ups, 160 crunches. 3 sets each.

Intake (kept down): 522 cal, 26 g protein.
Exercise: -1454.

Started rereading Wasted. It's been over a year since I read it for the first time, and I love it. Marya is brilliant and incredible and I cannot fucking believe that she published Wasted when she was 23. What the hell. What the actual hell.

If anyone hasn't read it, or wants to reread:

Also, I really, really wish I could/would take up smoking. I want to. I just desperately want to smoke instead of eat. Smoke and cut and drink and dance, and that's it. But I'm afraid to take up smoking. Afraid to tar my lungs up more. Afraid that it'll make me a worse dancer. Alas.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

B/P'ed today.
Cut today.
Gym tomorrow. Oatmeal with peanut butter and a peach for breakfast. Couscous with beans and vegetables for lunch. Raw fruit and vegetables for dinner. Fuck this shit.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Song for My Current Life

I'm a fat blob, la di da di da.
I'm a gross mess, la di da di da.
I'm a fucking failure. La di fucking da.
I should probably just die,
But I don't want to be dead AND fat.
Fa la la la la
la la