Friday, November 22, 2013


I've chosen recovery.

I might update here on occasion and try to keep up with what's going on in your lives, but I also might not be able to without it being damaging. I guess we'll see.

Ate three (healthy!) meals today and it's been over 24 hours since I purged. (so... not that long. But something.)
Currently working up the courage to hide my scale.

Sending strength to all of you,
--The Dancer

Monday, November 18, 2013

133.4 again

That's a bit disappointing.
(Except, hey, that's 6 pounds in four days. So. Y'know.)

Less disappointing? I actually signed up for a Tough Mudder last night. Like, actually really. I have 8 months to prepare. Thoughts of training and high-protein meals have overtaken thoughts of b/p and hardcore restriction. For now, at least. I know once the excitement fades, I'll have to fight for it, but for now it's nice not to have to.

It's gonna be so great!

Hope you're all having lovely days.
Stay strong.
--The Dancer

Sunday, November 17, 2013


I need to eat and not purge tomorrow.
(No, really. Between taking class and teaching class, I have four hours of dance. That requires some kind of fuel.)

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get my eating back on track. I KNOW that I feel best when I eat high-protein, highish-fat, low-carb, vegetable-filled meals and snacks.
I KNOW this.
So. Breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal with 2 tbsp peanut butter (350 cal)
8 oz soy milk (100 cal)
450 cal, 19 grams protein.

1 cup lentils, 1 orange
300 cal, 19 g protein

Salad with tofu and sunflower seeds
300 cal, 23 g protein.

Daily total:
1050 cal, 61 g protein

-4 hours of dance at 200 cal/hour=net of 250 cal. Ideally (aka if I plan ahead and don't fuck up) I'll be able to get to the gym tomorrow night, as well, so that net might be even lower.
Sounds like a good plan. Let's see if I can stick to it.
If I can just keep eating like that (and exercising more), I'll definitely lose this weight. I'm so close to the 12--s that I can feel it. SO CLOSE. So motherfucking close.

Current weight is 133.4. Hoping I can overhydrate enough between now and when I go to sleep that I'll magically drop another pound over night. 132.-- would be so lovely to see.

Also... I think I'm going to register for a Tough Mudder. There's one in my area in about eight months. It would give me something outside of myself to train for, which would mean, y'know, less purging. I hope. That would be nice. (My teeth and throat hurt all the time. Shit needs to stop.)

Yeah. This will be good.
Hope you all are having good days.
Stay strong.
--The Dancer


I drunkenly ate (and didn't purge) last night. A wrap with hummus, lettuce, and roasted vegetables. I estimate 300 calories. At midnight. Dumbass. Add to that the calories from a beer, a shot of vodka, a shot of gin, and tonic water... ugh. I just did the math. I wish I hadn't.
But I'm only up .2 pounds, which is somewhat reassuring. But if I hadn't had that at all, I would probably be at 133. Fatass.

Starting Fat Piggy's 4-Week Challenge today. The idea is to lose 8 kg/17.5 pounds in 4 weeks.
If I succeed, I'll weigh 116.7 on December 15th. BMI of 20.35.

I don't know.
I feel like I could ride this thing--no food except what I b/p--right down to the 110s. But there's always that fear that comes with excessive purging, and when I'm up to twice a day, every day... I don't know.

My conversation with K definitely impacted me. I don't want the body that purging gives me. I want one that's tiny and strong and empty, not one that's full-->empty-->full-->empty-->bloated-->dehydrated-->etc.etc.
But I also don't have a desire to do anything BUT b/p.

(And then there's the part of me saying, loud and clear, that everything's cool as long as the scale keeps going down.)

We'll see what today brings, my lovelies.
Stay strong.
--The Dancer

"I miss being able to trust my body."

Disclaimer: I am drunk.

I had a very brief but very powerful conversation with K. She was talking about how she misses the circus and misses the body she had, how she misses absolutely knowing that she could land a hard trick, and how much she was capable of.
It really resonated with me. I miss being able to trust my body. To trust that it would do whatever I asked of it. I miss being strong.

Purging doesn't just take away my fat. It also takes away my muscle. I might see the scale go down 2 pounds every day I purge everything that I eat, but I hate my body more than ever. It's flabby. It's soft.

I want to keep not eating. I want to keep fasting and then b/p-ing because the numbers on the scale say that it WORKS. But I don't know. I just don't fucking know. Maybe I'll keep going like this until I'm safely in the 120s and then work on it? Or maybe I'll figure shit out now. Who knows. Life's a fucking mystery.

Hope you had a good evening, lovelies.
--The Dancer

Saturday, November 16, 2013


Still 134. Didn't fuck that up. Awwwyeah.
I wanted to be 130 when I went home for Thanksgiving in 12 days, but if I lose just half a pound a day I can be down to 128. 12-- would be so lovely to see.

Have excellent days, my darlings.
--The Dancer

Friday, November 15, 2013


Pregaming and getting ready to go out (by myself--K has papers due tomorrow) and all I can think is that I would be stunning if I just had visible cheekbones (and, y'know, 5% bodyfat. Whatever). That sounds conceited as fuck, but I have big lips and dramatic eyes. If I could just get the cheekbones, things would be great.

How many pounds do I have to lose for that?
(134 after last b/p session today. Who knows if that will go up or down after a night of drinking.)

Cara Delevingne has great cheekbones and BMI of 16.4. 16.4 on me would be like 94 pounds.
...I guess we'll see.

Have a lovely night, my dears. I was going to stay in tonight, and then I thought, "well, what's the point in working to be thin and gorgeous if I don't get to enjoy it on a night out?"

See you tomorrow for a weigh in. I'm hoping to keep the 134. 135 would also be acceptable.
--The Dancer
My lovely ladies, I present to you: 136.4 pounds this morning.

133 here I come!


Some day, darlings. Some day soon. :)

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Breaking Patterns

Well, I b/p'd twice today.
So food passed my lips before 133. At least none of it stayed down.

But I broke the pattern. After my second session I scrubbed the toilet, showered, did a face mask, brushed my teeth twice, used sugar scrub on my lips, covered myself in lovely smelling lotion, started laundry, and put the rest of the food I have in our lounge for the floor to eat. I am in control of making myself beautiful.
Post-b/p I was at 137. I know a lot of that is dehydration, but I'm hoping to down 48 oz of water and 48 of herbal tea (halfway on both) so I don't end up retaining water. If you're dehydrated, a little bit of water will stay in your system, but if you overload it, you don't get the water weight. 137 or below tomorrow morning would be excellent.

Water and tea and perfection-to-be.

I absolutely will get down to 133 by Monday morning.
I absolutely will not let food pass my lips again until that time.

This b/p weight gain bullshit is one pattern that WILL be broken.
I'll distract myself by planning my diet for when I begin eating again.
I love planning. I'm sure you all know that by now.

--The Dancer


I woke up this morning at 139.4.

I was convinced it was going to be at least 142, 143. But I'm still in 13--.

Let's see. Monday I b/p'd. Tuesday I b/p'd and then ate more. Wednesday (yesterday) I ate and ate and ate and ate. It was a "fuck you, fuck this, fuck everything, I don't care" kind of eating. I finished an entire pint of soy cookie dough ice cream and a beer at 8:15 pm last night. So it's been 13.5 hours without food. 36 oz of tea, working on the same of coffee.

I don't have dance again until Monday. I think I'm going to just not eat until then.
I was at 139.5 when I attempted to fast down to 133 over the summer. I made it about 94 hours then and was at 134 when I broke.
I'm going to try again.
I'm going to succeed this time.
133, bitches. Here I come.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


137.4 for two days in a row now.
Let's see. Sunday I ate too much at dinner but I didn't feel TOO awful because I avoided the carbs and had lots of spinach and tofu.
...then a friend offered me a peanut butter and jelly cupcake she had made and when I tried to say no she insisted so I had that at like 10 pm. Fatass.

And then yesterday started out okay (oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins, and a banana for breakfast; lentils, pinto beans, and couscous with an apple for lunch), but I ate too much for dinner (baked beans [lots of sugar] AND vegetable soup AND pita with hummus) and the dance classes I taught weren't too intense and then I b/p'd at like 10:30 last night.

I don't even know.
Do I fast today and watch the weight go down? Do I b/p like I so desperately want to? Do I try to stick to this whole "healthy eating" thing and get more serious about that?
Fucking hell. I don't know. I don't know anything.

(I know that I'm exhausted.
I know that I feel weak and tired.
I know that I'm unhappy with my body, my weight, my muscle tone.
I know that I need to do something about it.
I also know that I don't trust myself to go any length of time without b/p'ing.)

Hope you're having better days,
--The Dancer

Sunday, November 10, 2013

And now I'll write about weight and other things you come here to read about.

So I weigh 137 as of this morning.
I'm hoping that at least a pound of that is alcohol-and-carb bloat that I'll get rid of today just by drinking lots of water and avoiding simple carbs.
So let's say I'm at 136 tomorrow morning.
I have no shows for 14 weeks. In two and a half weeks we'll be done with classes/finals until January and I won't be around people a whole lot.

So, naturally, I'm picturing the start of next term as my big moment to reveal a stronger, slimmer body.

The plan right now is to focus on healthy, protein-rich foods, lots of water, and exercising every day. I want to eat between 800 and 1500 calories a day and get between 40 and 100 grams of protein. That wide range is because I want to start lifting again, and in order to make gains in lifting, you need to eat. So on days that I lift, up to 1500 calories, mostly protein). Ideally, I'll cut out all grains except for couscous, brown rice, and oatmeal.
An average day would look like:
Breakfast: oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins
Lunch: bean-based dish and fruit
Dinner: tofu and vegetables
This will be added to/subtracted from based on how many calories/how much protein I need in a given day. I should average around 1200 calories a day, which, according to My Fitness Pal (hahaha), means that if I don't exercise, I'll lose 1.6 pounds a week. Assuming I burn about 300 calories through exercise every day, that will actually be 2.2 pounds a week. Further assuming that I do in fact weigh 136 tomorrow morning and that I stick to this for the next 8 weeks (until term starts), I'll be down to 118.4 for the start of term.
(Honestly, I think I'd be happy under 123.)

It's a bit after three pm. Today I've had:
1.5 cups pinto bean stew
An orange
Coffee with sweet n low (I've somehow developed a fear of plain sugar, but not sugar-y things. Huh.)
32 oz of water

I have a metric shitton of work to do for the coming week, so I don't think I'm going to get to go to the gym today. The food plan for the rest of the day is to go to the dining hall this evening (probably around 7) and have spinach and tofu and maybe another piece of fruit (I've really been craving oranges lately).  That would leave me at under 500 calories and about 40 grams of protein.

I feel strong. I feel like I've spent most of this term taking care of other people, and now it's time to focus on myself and my body.


Hoping to give you a positive update tomorrow,
--The Dancer
How can I even explain what's gone down in the past week and a half? (Hint: it's not my weight. Whoops.)
Um. Jesus fucking christ. I don't even know.
I have a friend, let's call her B. She claims that she has a history of having been raped, and up until Wednesday I was a main part of her support system and had no reason to question her.
She claims that she had been raped again over the summer, and then again about three weeks ago, then again twice last weekend, all by the same individual, who had also been exhibiting stalking behavior and using physical violence. I took her to the hospital after two of these incidents, slept on her floor, found people to be with her 24/7 when I couldn't, had her sleep in my room, etc.etc. She didn't want to report the incidents and she didn't want to tell me (or anyone else) the guy's name. Respect the survivor's decision, give them agency, etc.etc. aside, dude was getting scary, and B was clearly not in a place where she could make decisions for herself, so one night I and three other friends called security after B told me he had texted her again and she was thinking of inviting him over to "see if she could make it stop."
The next day (this is last Monday) we (the four of us who reported--B didn't know about this) had a meeting with the dean of the college about this. We had found out his name by this point and reported that when it became clear B wasn't going to. An investigation was launched, and then... B had K (the girlfriend) come over. B told K that the guy who raped her over the summer and three weeks ago (who's a student here, who's the person whose name we know) wasn't the one who had been stalking her and using physical violence. There was a second assailant who B had met at a party but didn't know his name. B wanted K to pass this message along to the four of us who had reported.
Obviously, something seems fishy.
Well, the four of us met with the dean again on Thursday, just to be told that... surprise, there's literally zero proof that ANY of this happened, there were a lot of contradictions in a lot of peoples' stories, and B, when she met with the investigator, straight up told her that she had lied about certain things.

We ("we" meaning my psych nurse mother, the psychiatrist mother of another friend involved, and K the psych major) are pretty sure, based on this and some other things, that B has borderline personality disorder. The college is looking at how they can get her psychiatric care.

Did I mention that this was happening during tech week and that all parties involved are in this dance company with me?
Oh, and that a draft of my senior thesis was due two days ago?
It's been a week.

Weight's up to 137 because stress eating + no time to purge + no time to workout + no desire to restrict.
It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, actually.

So that's where I've been.
I'm done with B. I'm so glad that people are getting her help, but I've been used and manipulated so many times that I'm just done.
Time to focus on myself, on my work, and on my weight.

Hope you lovelies have been leading drama-free lives.
--The Dancer