Who knew, right?
Was voracious yesterday and ate three full meals, plus snacks, and, like, a lot of brownies.
(Like eight brownies.)
(SO MANY BROWNIES.)
(I just could not get through this chocolate craving.)
Felt disgusting all last night (and still feel a little gross today) because I ate so much while being pretty much confined to bed.
Didn't weigh myself yesterday, not going to weigh myself today, not going to weigh myself again for a while.
(I say that now.)
(Right now "a while" feels like it should be weeks.)
(I give myself until Sunday until I cave.)
But guys? I ate brownies and lots of other food yesterday and even though I can feel and see it sitting in my lower belly, not fully digested yet... when I flex I can still see my little baby 2-pack abs.
So that's the thing to recognize today: one day of eating more than a normal human while doing no activity didn't make me magically gain layers and layers of fat overnight. (Shocking, right?)
So eating the same amount as a normal human while doing lots of activity shouldn't make that happen either. Hmm. Fascinating. Will attempt to follow through with this hypothesis and report back.
Strength and love,
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
I injured myself today.
It scared me. A lot. My lower back was in so much pain. The only thing I could think of that ever hurt more was the day after a four-hour long knee surgery.
This was intense. I couldn't bend over, could barely walk, couldn't lift things or open doors without serious, sharp pain.
It turns out that it's just a pretty bad strain: a few days of heat and rest and ibuprofen and I'll be back on my feet/walking like a normal person, and I should heal fully within a couple of weeks.
My first thought, though, was "why do I keep getting injured?"
What do I keep doing wrong? What's wrong that I keep getting injured?
So this is it.
This is some kind of sign.
I need to treat my body better. I need to feed it the amount it's meant to be fed, I need to make sure those are quality calories, I need to exercise regularly (but not obsessively, and not until I'm healed up), I need to warm-up and cool-down and stretch and do strengthening exercises.
I need to put my body first.
No more restriction (semi-inadvertantly fasted for 28ish hours), no more purging (last time was Monday), no more over-eating junk (yesterday).
Healthy living, one hundred percent.
Health and healing,
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Rehearsals yesterday and Friday were cancelled.
Turned in my thesis on Friday. Had lots and lots of sugar and carbs (jelly beans, oreos, trail mix).
Lunch--plate of tofu with 1/2 cup marinara sauce
Snack--cucumber with spicy brown mustard
Dinner--plate of tofu with 1/2 cup marinara sauce, 2 applesauce-oatmeal cookies with craisins
Pissed about the cookies, but whatever.
It's 1:20 pm. Today's intake so far is a plate of steamed broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, and tofu with 1/2 cup marinara sauce.
I think I could keep up this kind of restriction for a while. Fresh fruit, vegetables, and tofu. Gets me about 50 grams of protein a day for about 750 calories. I could increase portions or add oats and peanut butter for breakfast on really intense dance days.
I feel calm about this. It's been a long time since I've felt calm about food. :)
Gym every day starts tomorrow. I'm excited.
Hope you all are doing well.