Saturday, December 21, 2013

Doing Better

I didn't want the most recent post on this blog to be that last one.
Yesterday was... interesting. Spent more or less the whole day curled up in bed, alternating shaking/sobbing and watching Netflix to distract myself. I'd like to not repeat that, but I feel like somehow my grasp on wanting to live is suddenly very, very tenuous.
I'm making large woven thread bracelets for both of my wrists so that they stop itching for sensation.

Ate last night.
Ate a LOT last night.
137.5 this morning. I don't have the energy to be disgusted at that number, I just need to change it, and fast. Hoping to drop half a pound a day so I can get down to 130.5 when I head back to school.
If every day were like today, I'd be able to do even better.
(I say that now. It's only 7 pm. A binge is still possible.)
Breakfast was coffee with sweetener and vanilla extract.
Two hour gym session (3 mile run, weights machines, 45 minutes elliptical, 20 minute abs/stretching) for a 700-750 calorie burn.
Shower, internet, then dinner: tofu and veggie stir-fry (cooked in olive oil [was cooking for parents, too, so this had to happen] with soy sauce, lemon juice, and garlic) with a little (about 1/2 cup) wild rice my dad had already made. Intake for the day is about 300 calories, which is leaving me with a 400-450 calorie deficit.
Ideally I won't eat again this evening.
(I say that every evening.)

The plan for tomorrow is to be up earlyish and have a breakfast of oatmeal and coffee with sweetener (who knew there were 12 calories in a teaspoon of vanilla extract? Not making THAT mistake again.), then hit the gym for a as-long-as-you-can-last run (hoping for at least 4 miles, hence breakfast beforehand), some lower body work, more elliptical, and a nice long stretch.

I just got a dress that I ordered. It's long, Old Hollywood style emerald green velvet.
And I just tried it on, and it is sexy as fuck. It's also super, super clingy (but somehow forgiving of "curves"), so I know I need to work on my stomach.
But other than that... damn.
I'm wearing it on February 8th for my school's Midwinter Ball.
I want popping collar bones, toned arms, and a flat stomach. The dress already looks lovely, but these things will make it even better.
(And cheekbones. Toying with the idea of a black birdcage veil with it, which would really only look right with cheekbones.)
...I'm sorry. That was such a tangent. You just have no idea how excited I am for this dress. It was sold out FOREVER and I got the last one in my size when it came back. (On sale, too. BAM.)

Where was I?
Oh, yes. No more food tonight (or fruit. maybe some fruit), long run tomorrow, lots of protein.

Basically: today has been better.
Like, so much better. I'm not sure how long the "better" will last before the "awful" comes back, but oh well. Just going to try to stay busy and make it to the gym every day to help out with keeping the "better" here.

I love you all and hope you're having wonderful days.
--The Dancer

Friday, December 20, 2013

Ugh I should have just fucking b/p'd when my parents were out of the house earlier but I talked myself down from it then.
Now I'm just pissed and frustrated and want to scream and punch things and b/p an entire kitchen's worth of food.
I can't even just binge and take laxatives because today is a fasting day.
Haha, that's right.
My dad decided to try Intermittent Fasting and I saw it as an opportunity to not eat a few days a week without having to hide that fact so I said I'd do it with him, and today is a fasting day.

I hate being here.
Less than 24 hours after getting home I started cutting again and fantasizing about dying. (Not suicidal. Not really.)
I'm twenty-fucking-one years old and just reaching the rebellious teenage I-hate-you phase of my relationship with my parents.

I don't want to talk about how fat I am.
I don't want to talk about how much I've eaten recently.
I don't want to talk about how I'm too lazy to go exercise today and about how I'm just really fucking hungry.
I don't want to do my thesis.
I don't want to read blogs or books or watch Netflix.
I just want to die. My wrists itch where I would slice them to do it. That kind of itch that won't go away--like when you step on a crack with one foot, and the other foot gets an itch that tells you you need to step on a crack with it?
The kind of itch that needs a sensation. That tells you you need to do something to it. maybe a little suicidal. That was quick.

Fucking hell. 48 hours down, 354 to go.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I've been here before...

What's the correct thing to do when you've hit a new low weight? Why, binge it all away, of course.
7000 calories on Wednesday. I didn't purge, because I was going to Beat Purging.
More binging on Thursday. I didn't purge, because I was going to Beat Purging.
Friday morning, a weight that shall not be named. No food all day, just coffee and sugar-free vanilla lattes, then Chinese takeout for dinner. I finally purged. Then more of the same. I purged three times on Friday.
I purged once yesterday. Sort of. I tried. Not much but water and bile came up, which makes absoltely no sense.
Then I ate 350 calories of junk in the evening. Good life choices, obviously.

Back up/down to 134.2. I've been here before. It's not as bad as it could be, but it's not as good as I was. Hoping for 133.? tomorrow, 132.? on Tuesday, 131.? on Wednesday when I go home. Just downdowndown. Always downdowndown.

Down, down, down
On my own
Come on, hang the devil's son
I'll die alone

Stay strong, lovelies.

--The Dancer

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

New Low

132.4. Down 1.6 pounds from yesterday.
...but I would be lying if I said I had maintained the fast. I didn't binge, but I ate. 1 cup of black beans (227) and a roma tomato (13) around 3:45. At 4:30, I had to leave to walk to work, taught two dance classes (though I did have a break in between), and walked back, getting home around 8:15.

I'm glad that I ate. Given how many moments of weakness I felt during class, I'm about 97% sure that, had I not eaten, I either would have passed out at work or on the 1-mile, snowy, sub-0 temperature walk each way. (That's sub-0-Fahrenheit. -18 Celsius, I believe.)
And I'm still 132.4 this morning. I haven't been this weight in over a year and a half.

5.4 pounds away from my lowest weight ever.
10 pounds lower than what I was maintaining most of last year.
Almost 20 pounds lower than my highest weight ever.

Less than 20 pounds away from my current UGW (113).

Holy fucking hell, guys.

But here's something else: I want to be tiny, but I also want to be ripped. Abs, guns, a great back, you name it. Small but strong, and visibly so. I think the plan right now, then, is to continue restriction/cardio/general fat loss until I go home (one more week). When I get home, I'll focus more on body recomposition. Strength training and lots of protein, with a couple days of endurance work thrown in every week. I have two and a half weeks at home before term starts again, so hopefully that will be enough to build a bit of extra muscle. A four-pack by the end of the year? Sounds possible.

Stay strong, lovelies.
--The Dancer

Edit: I just came across this and it made me smile. A lot. Hope it can make your days a little happier, too.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mantra of the Moment

If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey and potentially GET Ailey and get to spend the summer in NYC (haha, like I can afford that anyway) and potentially do their professional program from that and potentially get invited to audition for the actual company.
If I b/p, all of that is taken away.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I'm just fucking myself over.
If I b/p, I'm destroying my dream.
If I b/p, there is no possibility. There is just no.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.
If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.

(Would I actually follow through with that? Like, really? Would I? Would I take away my own future because I b/p?)
(I have to believe that I would, because otherwise, peace out, fast. Peace out, almost 3-days-purge-free.)

If I b/p, I don't get to audition for Ailey.


2.2 pounds and 35 hours down, 4.2 pounds to go. I'm estimating 2-3 more days.
(I actually had three black beans yesterday. I was cooking them from scratch to have something to break my fast with when I get there, and had to check done-ness. I probably could have found another way, but I'm not upset about it.  I have no fucking idea how many calories are in a single black bean, but if a cup is 227, I can't imagine it's more than 1-2 per bean. So that's max 6 calories in food. I think I'll get over it.)

It helps that, unlike the 5-day fast I did over the summer, I'm actually active right now. Last night I had to teach two modern classes, which meant about an hour of dancing, an hour of walking around/demonstrating, and a 2-mile walk round trip. And abs and push-ups. I give those children an insane ab workout that I also do. Woohoo, getting paid to exercise.
Today I teach a ballet class and a 5-6 year old class, so it will be a bit less intense tonight, but it's still two hours total on my feet, a 2-mile walk, and probably something of a workout in the ballet class. I'd love to drop another 2.2 tomorrow morning, but as long as I see 132.? on the scale, I'll be ecstatic.

Been reading PrettyWreck's blog Control recently. It's been abandoned ("closed for recovery") for over two years now, but so much of what she's said resonates with me. I'm glad she's made it to recovery, and I hope she's still doing well. What are some of your favorite blogs in the community, abandoned or otherwise?

Have lovely days,
--The Dancer

Monday, December 9, 2013

Fast Away The Fat

Ugh. This is fucking unacceptable. 136.2 this morning.

No food until I'm below 130. 15.5 hours down, 6.4 pounds to go.

Calories from lemon juice (in hot water) and a little soymilk (in coffee) only. Otherwise just tea, coffee, water.
Toning exercises (crunches, pushups and tricep pushups, squats and inner thigh lifts) to avoid muscle loss.

Peace out, 130s.

Sunday, December 8, 2013


Absolutely no purging until New Year's.
If I don't make it, I can't go to an audition I really want to do.
Better not fuck up.

Have lovely days, darlings.
--The Dancer

Friday, December 6, 2013


I'm just tired of seeing 13-. I want 12-.
But I know I'll get there. I can feel it. I look at my body and I'm not totally disgusted. I don't think "everything's awful, this is hopeless, go stuff your face." I think, "This is getting better, and that's getting better, and there's quite a bit that still needs work, but you're getting there, darling." It's a nice change.

I ended up b/p'ing yesterday: vending machine food, flax wraps, a sweet potato, lentils, and broccoli.
On the bright side, I used the remainder of my singles in the vending machine and got rid of the only bread-type substance I bought, which means I have nothing but healthy food from here on out.
I took inventory of all the food I have left. I'm going home in 12 days and don't want to have to bring anything with me, nor do I want to buy any more food.
Made a daily eating plan for the next twelve days. Each day is around 300-400 calories divided into three "meals." If I stick to this, the only food I'll have left over is about half a bag of dried black beans, which will be easy enough to take home and cook there.

Haven't eaten yet today--been up an hour and a half and just drinking tea so far. I'll probably have a clementine soon.
Hoping to make it to the gym today, but I feel like I say that every day. If nothing else, I'm running rehearsal for the studio I teach at for an hour today, so that's a mile walk each way.

I really ought to go have a proper workout, though. Right now when I flex I have a little baby 2-pack and I'd love to coax the rest of those abs out of hiding. I bought this top as a Christmas gift for myself when it was on sale, but of course I need to be tinytinytiny to wear it. But no worries, I have 19 days to get there.

Bella posted a comment on my last entry asking about my relationship with K and how both of us having ED issues works out. It definitely doesn't manifest the way that most people would expect it to. Even if/when we're both very "in" the disordered headspace for ourselves (using behaviors, recovery-is-not-an-option type of place), we don't encourage ED behaviors in each other. I don't know how much she weighs, I don't know what her goal weight or goal intake is, and she doesn't know those things about me, either. We rarely workout together, because she thinks that would be triggering for her. We'll offer support to one another if one of us is upset because we've eaten, or if I'm desperately trying to avoid a b/p session, but we don't encourage restriction at all. Basically: as much as we each want our eating disorder, we don't want the other person to have one.
That's not to say that I don't have a jealous or competitive streak. I can tell when she loses weight (and anyway her ribs and hipbones already stick out so much) and I often feel inadequate next to her, which makes me want to restrict more/exercise more/generally be better, but I try not to use that as motivation, because I know she doesn't want me to, and I don't want to disrespect that.
We became close because we both have eating disorders and have both dealt with self-harm (though my issues with that seem to be in the past), but as much as possible, we try to keep our relationship out of the rabbit hole that is shared mental illness.
Sometimes I wish we could restrict or fast together or encourage each other to lose weight (or, well, I don't want to do that to her, but I'd love for her to push me that way), but that's what I have you lovelies for. <3

Apologies for the extra-long rambling about K. Hope some if it made sense, at least!
Until next time,
Stay strong, darlings.
--The Dancer

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Anorexic Girlfriend, Bulimic Girlfriend

(Note: we both technically fall under EDNOS, but these appear to be our current leanings).

K stayed with me for a bit. She got here around 3 on Tuesday and just left a couple of hours ago. She was supposed to be here from yesterday (Wednesday) through tomorrow (Friday), but there was a storm warning for yesterday, so she came a bit early. Which unfortunately meant that I didn't get to weigh in yesterday morning or workout yesterday or Tuesday. (Unless you count sex. Which, for the sake of not feeling like a completely sedentary lardball, I will.)
(K was here for a total of 45 hours. Total intake while she was here? Two coffees with soymilk and a bagel with hummus and vegetables, four hard ciders. Plus a b/p session between the dance classes I taught on Tuesday that she doesn't know about. All in all, she does excellent things to my ability to restrict.)
...but then she left and I had an interview that I didn't want to be loopy for so I had couscous with carrot and tomato and an apple. But then, y'know, that opened the floodgates. Had another serving of couscous and a clementine.
If I left it at that for the day and went to the gym later, that would be acceptable, but I feel a binge coming on. Of course my list of things to binge on includes the following: frozen spinach, frozen broccoli, lentils, flax wraps, tomato, carrot, cucumbers, clementines, sweet potatoes, and walnuts. Not sure how much damage I could manage with only those things. I guess if I ate all three sweet potatoes and the entire bag of walnuts.
(There's also a vending machine downstairs, but I'm trying not to think about it.)

Ugh, What I want are salt and vinegar chips and like five of those single-serving cherry pies and no-bake peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies.
These bitches. Why are they vegan? HOW are they vegan?

When my anorexic influence is gone, I turn right back to b/p.

(But it makes me thinner, so hey, who gives a fuck, huh?)

--The Dancer

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


136 this morning.
I just had to eat last night, didn't I?
Nothing on Sunday until I had to go out to eat with K's family in the evening--small salad, no cheese, no dressing, only ate maybe three of the croutons.
Spent the night there, then came back to school (though we're on winter break, I'm here working/doing my senior thesis). B/p'ed and was 134 afterwards.
Had to teach a double modern class last night, so had an apple (75) and a small handful of walnuts (150). Had an even smaller handful of walnuts (50) between classes.
So I WAS at 275 and two hours of teaching dance, and that would have been absolutely perfect.

But, of course, after I came back I had a mini-binge on two apples (150) with peanut butter (400), two flax wraps (200) with avocado (300), a carrot (25), and half of a cucumber (23). 1100 calories in one sitting. ...also 39 grams of protein, which is nice and I'm sure my body appreciates it, but, like, no. Unacceptable. I could have been 134. I could have been lower.

Instead I'm 136. Fucking fatass.

It's okay.
Today will be better.
The plan is a homemade latte (60) for breakfast. Maybe two (120). Something vegetable-heavy and under 300 cal for lunch, then to the gym, then to teach two classes. I have an hour and a half break in between, so I'll probably either bring a clementine (35) or grab a sugar-free vanilla latte (120?) from the coffee shop nearby for dinner. I'm looking at between 395 and 540 cals today, but that may change.

I have 16 days until I go home. I want to be 130 then. 6 pounds in 16 days is perfectly reasonable--that's a deficit of 1312 calories a day. My BMR is 1446 (so let's say 1400), which means all I need is a net of 90 or below every day to hit that goal. Totally manageable.
(The pipe dream is 125 by the 23rd, when I have my friend's big annual holiday party where all of my friends from home will be. 11 pounds in 21 days? Maybe.)

Stay skinny, darlings.
--The Dancer

Sunday, December 1, 2013

I'm Back, Bitches.

Whoops, I think I forgot to care.

I want cheekbones and collarbones and hipbones, darlings.
I want glamour and beauty and perfection.
I want late nights and running on coffee.
I want skinny.

(135.8 this morning.)

Friday, November 22, 2013


I've chosen recovery.

I might update here on occasion and try to keep up with what's going on in your lives, but I also might not be able to without it being damaging. I guess we'll see.

Ate three (healthy!) meals today and it's been over 24 hours since I purged. (so... not that long. But something.)
Currently working up the courage to hide my scale.

Sending strength to all of you,
--The Dancer

Monday, November 18, 2013

133.4 again

That's a bit disappointing.
(Except, hey, that's 6 pounds in four days. So. Y'know.)

Less disappointing? I actually signed up for a Tough Mudder last night. Like, actually really. I have 8 months to prepare. Thoughts of training and high-protein meals have overtaken thoughts of b/p and hardcore restriction. For now, at least. I know once the excitement fades, I'll have to fight for it, but for now it's nice not to have to.

It's gonna be so great!

Hope you're all having lovely days.
Stay strong.
--The Dancer

Sunday, November 17, 2013


I need to eat and not purge tomorrow.
(No, really. Between taking class and teaching class, I have four hours of dance. That requires some kind of fuel.)

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get my eating back on track. I KNOW that I feel best when I eat high-protein, highish-fat, low-carb, vegetable-filled meals and snacks.
I KNOW this.
So. Breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal with 2 tbsp peanut butter (350 cal)
8 oz soy milk (100 cal)
450 cal, 19 grams protein.

1 cup lentils, 1 orange
300 cal, 19 g protein

Salad with tofu and sunflower seeds
300 cal, 23 g protein.

Daily total:
1050 cal, 61 g protein

-4 hours of dance at 200 cal/hour=net of 250 cal. Ideally (aka if I plan ahead and don't fuck up) I'll be able to get to the gym tomorrow night, as well, so that net might be even lower.
Sounds like a good plan. Let's see if I can stick to it.
If I can just keep eating like that (and exercising more), I'll definitely lose this weight. I'm so close to the 12--s that I can feel it. SO CLOSE. So motherfucking close.

Current weight is 133.4. Hoping I can overhydrate enough between now and when I go to sleep that I'll magically drop another pound over night. 132.-- would be so lovely to see.

Also... I think I'm going to register for a Tough Mudder. There's one in my area in about eight months. It would give me something outside of myself to train for, which would mean, y'know, less purging. I hope. That would be nice. (My teeth and throat hurt all the time. Shit needs to stop.)

Yeah. This will be good.
Hope you all are having good days.
Stay strong.
--The Dancer


I drunkenly ate (and didn't purge) last night. A wrap with hummus, lettuce, and roasted vegetables. I estimate 300 calories. At midnight. Dumbass. Add to that the calories from a beer, a shot of vodka, a shot of gin, and tonic water... ugh. I just did the math. I wish I hadn't.
But I'm only up .2 pounds, which is somewhat reassuring. But if I hadn't had that at all, I would probably be at 133. Fatass.

Starting Fat Piggy's 4-Week Challenge today. The idea is to lose 8 kg/17.5 pounds in 4 weeks.
If I succeed, I'll weigh 116.7 on December 15th. BMI of 20.35.

I don't know.
I feel like I could ride this thing--no food except what I b/p--right down to the 110s. But there's always that fear that comes with excessive purging, and when I'm up to twice a day, every day... I don't know.

My conversation with K definitely impacted me. I don't want the body that purging gives me. I want one that's tiny and strong and empty, not one that's full-->empty-->full-->empty-->bloated-->dehydrated-->etc.etc.
But I also don't have a desire to do anything BUT b/p.

(And then there's the part of me saying, loud and clear, that everything's cool as long as the scale keeps going down.)

We'll see what today brings, my lovelies.
Stay strong.
--The Dancer

"I miss being able to trust my body."

Disclaimer: I am drunk.

I had a very brief but very powerful conversation with K. She was talking about how she misses the circus and misses the body she had, how she misses absolutely knowing that she could land a hard trick, and how much she was capable of.
It really resonated with me. I miss being able to trust my body. To trust that it would do whatever I asked of it. I miss being strong.

Purging doesn't just take away my fat. It also takes away my muscle. I might see the scale go down 2 pounds every day I purge everything that I eat, but I hate my body more than ever. It's flabby. It's soft.

I want to keep not eating. I want to keep fasting and then b/p-ing because the numbers on the scale say that it WORKS. But I don't know. I just don't fucking know. Maybe I'll keep going like this until I'm safely in the 120s and then work on it? Or maybe I'll figure shit out now. Who knows. Life's a fucking mystery.

Hope you had a good evening, lovelies.
--The Dancer

Saturday, November 16, 2013


Still 134. Didn't fuck that up. Awwwyeah.
I wanted to be 130 when I went home for Thanksgiving in 12 days, but if I lose just half a pound a day I can be down to 128. 12-- would be so lovely to see.

Have excellent days, my darlings.
--The Dancer

Friday, November 15, 2013


Pregaming and getting ready to go out (by myself--K has papers due tomorrow) and all I can think is that I would be stunning if I just had visible cheekbones (and, y'know, 5% bodyfat. Whatever). That sounds conceited as fuck, but I have big lips and dramatic eyes. If I could just get the cheekbones, things would be great.

How many pounds do I have to lose for that?
(134 after last b/p session today. Who knows if that will go up or down after a night of drinking.)

Cara Delevingne has great cheekbones and BMI of 16.4. 16.4 on me would be like 94 pounds.
...I guess we'll see.

Have a lovely night, my dears. I was going to stay in tonight, and then I thought, "well, what's the point in working to be thin and gorgeous if I don't get to enjoy it on a night out?"

See you tomorrow for a weigh in. I'm hoping to keep the 134. 135 would also be acceptable.
--The Dancer
My lovely ladies, I present to you: 136.4 pounds this morning.

133 here I come!


Some day, darlings. Some day soon. :)

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Breaking Patterns

Well, I b/p'd twice today.
So food passed my lips before 133. At least none of it stayed down.

But I broke the pattern. After my second session I scrubbed the toilet, showered, did a face mask, brushed my teeth twice, used sugar scrub on my lips, covered myself in lovely smelling lotion, started laundry, and put the rest of the food I have in our lounge for the floor to eat. I am in control of making myself beautiful.
Post-b/p I was at 137. I know a lot of that is dehydration, but I'm hoping to down 48 oz of water and 48 of herbal tea (halfway on both) so I don't end up retaining water. If you're dehydrated, a little bit of water will stay in your system, but if you overload it, you don't get the water weight. 137 or below tomorrow morning would be excellent.

Water and tea and perfection-to-be.

I absolutely will get down to 133 by Monday morning.
I absolutely will not let food pass my lips again until that time.

This b/p weight gain bullshit is one pattern that WILL be broken.
I'll distract myself by planning my diet for when I begin eating again.
I love planning. I'm sure you all know that by now.

--The Dancer


I woke up this morning at 139.4.

I was convinced it was going to be at least 142, 143. But I'm still in 13--.

Let's see. Monday I b/p'd. Tuesday I b/p'd and then ate more. Wednesday (yesterday) I ate and ate and ate and ate. It was a "fuck you, fuck this, fuck everything, I don't care" kind of eating. I finished an entire pint of soy cookie dough ice cream and a beer at 8:15 pm last night. So it's been 13.5 hours without food. 36 oz of tea, working on the same of coffee.

I don't have dance again until Monday. I think I'm going to just not eat until then.
I was at 139.5 when I attempted to fast down to 133 over the summer. I made it about 94 hours then and was at 134 when I broke.
I'm going to try again.
I'm going to succeed this time.
133, bitches. Here I come.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


137.4 for two days in a row now.
Let's see. Sunday I ate too much at dinner but I didn't feel TOO awful because I avoided the carbs and had lots of spinach and tofu.
...then a friend offered me a peanut butter and jelly cupcake she had made and when I tried to say no she insisted so I had that at like 10 pm. Fatass.

And then yesterday started out okay (oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins, and a banana for breakfast; lentils, pinto beans, and couscous with an apple for lunch), but I ate too much for dinner (baked beans [lots of sugar] AND vegetable soup AND pita with hummus) and the dance classes I taught weren't too intense and then I b/p'd at like 10:30 last night.

I don't even know.
Do I fast today and watch the weight go down? Do I b/p like I so desperately want to? Do I try to stick to this whole "healthy eating" thing and get more serious about that?
Fucking hell. I don't know. I don't know anything.

(I know that I'm exhausted.
I know that I feel weak and tired.
I know that I'm unhappy with my body, my weight, my muscle tone.
I know that I need to do something about it.
I also know that I don't trust myself to go any length of time without b/p'ing.)

Hope you're having better days,
--The Dancer

Sunday, November 10, 2013

And now I'll write about weight and other things you come here to read about.

So I weigh 137 as of this morning.
I'm hoping that at least a pound of that is alcohol-and-carb bloat that I'll get rid of today just by drinking lots of water and avoiding simple carbs.
So let's say I'm at 136 tomorrow morning.
I have no shows for 14 weeks. In two and a half weeks we'll be done with classes/finals until January and I won't be around people a whole lot.

So, naturally, I'm picturing the start of next term as my big moment to reveal a stronger, slimmer body.

The plan right now is to focus on healthy, protein-rich foods, lots of water, and exercising every day. I want to eat between 800 and 1500 calories a day and get between 40 and 100 grams of protein. That wide range is because I want to start lifting again, and in order to make gains in lifting, you need to eat. So on days that I lift, up to 1500 calories, mostly protein). Ideally, I'll cut out all grains except for couscous, brown rice, and oatmeal.
An average day would look like:
Breakfast: oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins
Lunch: bean-based dish and fruit
Dinner: tofu and vegetables
This will be added to/subtracted from based on how many calories/how much protein I need in a given day. I should average around 1200 calories a day, which, according to My Fitness Pal (hahaha), means that if I don't exercise, I'll lose 1.6 pounds a week. Assuming I burn about 300 calories through exercise every day, that will actually be 2.2 pounds a week. Further assuming that I do in fact weigh 136 tomorrow morning and that I stick to this for the next 8 weeks (until term starts), I'll be down to 118.4 for the start of term.
(Honestly, I think I'd be happy under 123.)

It's a bit after three pm. Today I've had:
1.5 cups pinto bean stew
An orange
Coffee with sweet n low (I've somehow developed a fear of plain sugar, but not sugar-y things. Huh.)
32 oz of water

I have a metric shitton of work to do for the coming week, so I don't think I'm going to get to go to the gym today. The food plan for the rest of the day is to go to the dining hall this evening (probably around 7) and have spinach and tofu and maybe another piece of fruit (I've really been craving oranges lately).  That would leave me at under 500 calories and about 40 grams of protein.

I feel strong. I feel like I've spent most of this term taking care of other people, and now it's time to focus on myself and my body.


Hoping to give you a positive update tomorrow,
--The Dancer
How can I even explain what's gone down in the past week and a half? (Hint: it's not my weight. Whoops.)
Um. Jesus fucking christ. I don't even know.
I have a friend, let's call her B. She claims that she has a history of having been raped, and up until Wednesday I was a main part of her support system and had no reason to question her.
She claims that she had been raped again over the summer, and then again about three weeks ago, then again twice last weekend, all by the same individual, who had also been exhibiting stalking behavior and using physical violence. I took her to the hospital after two of these incidents, slept on her floor, found people to be with her 24/7 when I couldn't, had her sleep in my room, etc.etc. She didn't want to report the incidents and she didn't want to tell me (or anyone else) the guy's name. Respect the survivor's decision, give them agency, etc.etc. aside, dude was getting scary, and B was clearly not in a place where she could make decisions for herself, so one night I and three other friends called security after B told me he had texted her again and she was thinking of inviting him over to "see if she could make it stop."
The next day (this is last Monday) we (the four of us who reported--B didn't know about this) had a meeting with the dean of the college about this. We had found out his name by this point and reported that when it became clear B wasn't going to. An investigation was launched, and then... B had K (the girlfriend) come over. B told K that the guy who raped her over the summer and three weeks ago (who's a student here, who's the person whose name we know) wasn't the one who had been stalking her and using physical violence. There was a second assailant who B had met at a party but didn't know his name. B wanted K to pass this message along to the four of us who had reported.
Obviously, something seems fishy.
Well, the four of us met with the dean again on Thursday, just to be told that... surprise, there's literally zero proof that ANY of this happened, there were a lot of contradictions in a lot of peoples' stories, and B, when she met with the investigator, straight up told her that she had lied about certain things.

We ("we" meaning my psych nurse mother, the psychiatrist mother of another friend involved, and K the psych major) are pretty sure, based on this and some other things, that B has borderline personality disorder. The college is looking at how they can get her psychiatric care.

Did I mention that this was happening during tech week and that all parties involved are in this dance company with me?
Oh, and that a draft of my senior thesis was due two days ago?
It's been a week.

Weight's up to 137 because stress eating + no time to purge + no time to workout + no desire to restrict.
It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, actually.

So that's where I've been.
I'm done with B. I'm so glad that people are getting her help, but I've been used and manipulated so many times that I'm just done.
Time to focus on myself, on my work, and on my weight.

Hope you lovelies have been leading drama-free lives.
--The Dancer

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Because I'm dumb.
Had more to eat than I should have yesterday, which probably would have been fine, but then b/p'd at like 9 pm. Chocolate chip cookies, black bean chips, an entire cherry pie. Like, literally a whole one. WHAT. Who the hell does that.

So a loss, but not a big one. I want to see 132.? tomorrow.

K said I'm getting smaller.
(Of course, she's hypersensitive about this kind of thing, so I don't know how much to trust her judgment.)
But still. If my scale is correct, this is the smallest I've been in well over a year.
(It's not small enough yet.)

Today: planned lunch with a friend. Tomato soup with tofu and steamed kale? If I can have a modicum of self-control, which it seems like, y'know, I can't.
Hopefully that's all for today, but you know how that goes. I just want to not b/p for a bit. I just want to restrict.

Stay strong, lovelies.
--The Dancer

Monday, October 28, 2013

Same as yesterday

134 again. Had breakfast (was feeling too shaky to dance without it) and then b/p'd twice throughout the day, so I'm actually rather amazed that I didn't go up.
The plan is breakfast this morning, then black beans and fruit throughout the day. Two dance classes, an hour and a half of rehearsal, then I teach two dance classes, so that's 5.5 hours of movement today. I'd have to seriously fuck up to not see 133.something tomorrow.

...if I can manage a measly half pound a day lost, I'll be under 130 for the show. Holy shit.

Stay strong, lovelies.
--The Dancer

Edit: Big success so far today. Had to go buy something for a dance piece I'm working on, which involved walking past the grocery store. Went in, stared at the baked goods (fruit pies and turnovers). Every time I've been in that grocery store for the past month, I've bought SOMETHING that I've immediately b/p'd on. And today I just walked out. Got a soy latte later as a treat. Much better.

Sunday, October 27, 2013


I have NO IDEA how that happened.
Breakfast yesterday was oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins, and an apple. Deliciousness.
An hour of hardcore dance, then just ran a rehearsal for two hours (no energy expended). A "light dinner" became b/p, then just lots of water and tea until the show (which went SO WELL. I'm a little surprised, given that I was functioning on almost no food, which was dumb, but whatever). Lots of alcohol afterwards.

And 134 this morning. Damn.

The goal is coffee and tea today and nothing else. I don't have any rehearsals, just a quick showing, which shouldn't take much. I might have an orange if I feel like I need it.

Just. 134. What.
Everything is the best.

Hope you lovelies are having excellent days.
--The Dancer

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Still 135.4

And so, so happy about that fact.

Wednesday (last day I posted), I ended up getting pretty sick: high fever, cough, congestion, all of that. The problem (besides generic "being sick sucks") is that I had a show last night and another one tonight, so I NEEDED to be at least BETTER, if not HEALTHY, by last night. So no behaviors were allowed.
I ate. And ate. And slept and didn't workout and didn't really dance and didn't purge at all. I felt awful and bloated and the scale agreed that I'd gained weight.
But this morning, after only one day of sensible eating (not even restricting, really) it's back down to 135.4. I can't wait to get lower.

The goal right now is 130 by November 8th. That's 13 days, so I'm fairly confident that I'll crush that goal. November 8th is my company's major dance show, and onstage=must be thin. The costumes for one of the pieces is also MAYBE nude undergarments (the choreographer is still deciding) and nothing else, so I definitely don't want to be distracted by self-consciousness.

Today I have rehearsal this morning and a show tonight. The plan is to grab breakfast in half an hour (oatmeal with peanut butter and fruit), rehearse, work on my senior thesis all afternoon, then a small dinner before the show.

Here's hoping for 135 even tomorrow.
--The Dancer

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Got a Scale!

Been without for like five weeks.
I was expecting 140something.

Hellz yes.

The hope is that this gives me the motivation to restrict instead of this daily purging shit I've been doing the last few weeks. Daily feedback has usually helped with that.

(Oh, and K and I are dating.)

Other things: birthday was fabulous. Wore

Got it in a medium because it's bodycon and I was ordering online. Was a bit big. Hell yes.

Laptop's trackpad was SUPER WONKY for a while, but it seems to be behaving now (knock on wood!). Will update and read more regularly.

Love you all.
Stay strong.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Better Than I Thought

Didn't get to the gym last night. =/
I did go this morning, though! 20 minutes elliptical, 20 minutes weight training, 20 minutes elliptical.
I had forgotten that the gym has a scale. Got on at the end of my workout, with shoes on, having downed 30+ oz (that's about 2 lbs) of water in the previous hour.
140 with shoes/clothes and 2 lbs of straight water weight in my stomach, which means the real number is probably around 137 or a little under.
So that could be a lot worse.
10 days until my birthday, 11 days until the party. If I can lose half a pound a day, I could be about 132 by the time that rolls around.
I'll take it.

Started catching up on all of your blogs. Not quite there yet, but it'll happen, I promise!

Stay strong, lovelies.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

More Updates

My mom's still in the hospital, but she's been out of the ICU for about a week and  might get to go home in a few days.
My scale is broken. I can get a new one on Tuesday. I haven't weighed myself since I've been home.
I was cast in a duet to be performed in the middle of winter in which the costumes are briefs and a sports bra. So that's kind of dire.
My 21st is in 10 days and I'm still fat as fuck. So that sucks.

I'll be posting here a lot more now. My schedule has finally normalized, which means I can get back into old habits.
Ate way too much today.
Breakfast: black coffee.
Ran auditions for a new dance company, but that really wasn't hard.
Lunch (1 pm): Black bean burger on bread with hummus, lettuce, tomato. Steamed green beans, beets, and tofu. Another (small) piece of bread with peanut butter.
Dinner (6 pm): Garden vegetable soup and tortilla chips with hummus.
Shouldn't have had dinner. Going to the gym in an hour, though.

Going to the gym again tomorrow morning. Then the plan is breakfast (oats, peanut butter, and fruit) and then a cup of black beans and some fruit throughout the day. I have a class and two dance classes, a two-hour rehearsal, and then I teach two more dance classes in the evening, so eating a bit throughout the day is both a) necessary and b) not the absolute worst.

I swear I'll catch up on all of your lovely blogs.
Stay strong, lovelies. <3

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Things That Have Happened Since My Last Post (in chronological order):

1. My grandmother (who I had spent winter and spring break living with/taking care of) died.
2. Weird eating patterns happened again, though partially from schedule-related stuff (being at the funeral home all day for a few days straight).
3. I went back to school two days late (bright and early after the morning of the funeral).
4. I started teaching dance to small children.
5. I started rehearsals.
6. I started actually restricting again because rehearsals weren't as difficult as I thought they'd be.
7. My mom had a heart attack Thursday night and is in the hospital. I'm still 900 miles away at school. She's okay (all things considered)--stable, in no pain, and scheduled for bypass surgery tomorrow. She's a low-risk patient, so things should be okay.
8. I found out that K started cutting and restricting again after two months of not.
9. K found out I had lied to her over the summer about recovering.
10. K told me she loved me.
11. K's not going to try to stop me with this, and I'm not going to try to stop her (outside of keeping her safe).
12. I don't know how much I weigh because my scale-at-school needs new batteries.
13. I've had about 400 calories today. It's 3 pm and I had two hours of rehearsal earlier. I dunno if I'm going to eat again today.

Aaaaand that's my life up to now.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Commitment To Change

I just studied myself, naked, in the mirror for a solid twenty minutes.

I drew where I want my next tattoo.
The one that I told myself I'd get when I stopped cutting. (It will be two months on the 10th.)
I don't know when I'll be able to afford it, but I think I'm ready to get it.

I think I'm ready to recover.
(Typing that sent a serious wave of panic through me. I want to erase it. I want erase this whole post and declare the start of a 4-day fast and make myself tiny.)
So let's not say "recover."
Let's say "put my methods more in line with my goals."
Let's say "stop being at war with my body."
Let's say "my body is not a battlefield; it is my weapon."
Let's say that weapon needs to be upgraded.
Let's say I am upgrading my weapon.

Let's say that I keep lifting weights like I (re-)started last week. Let's say that I keep running.
Let's say that I aim for 100-120 grams of protein every day, and let's acknowledge that that means a higher intake than I'd like.
But let's also acknowledge that a week of that, even with the food fests over the weekend, may not have moved the scale (I'm afraid to look), but definitely changed the makeup of my body. I flex my abs and see muscle. I have a waist that goes in.

I will never be dainty. I know that. I have always known that. I have always known that I will be disappointed. I'm just too muscular. My art, the way that I want to approach my art, requires me to be muscular.
I cannot become dainty at the expense of dance.

And so this is a commitment to change.
It's been one month and one day since I last purged.
It's been almost two months since I last cut.
It's been 19 hours since I last ate (whoops), but I'm making cauliflower crust pizza tonight so that will change soon.
From here on out, health. I will strive for health, strength, speed, and stamina in relation to my body, and I will not fool myself into thinking that cutting, purging, or fasting will help me achieve those goals.

Stay strong.

Friday, August 30, 2013

On The Brink

140 yesterday and today.
But shark week started yesterday, so it's all good. I'll magically drop two pounds in the next two days.
(It's amazing to me how calm I can be about weight loss when I'm actually going to the gym daily and eating clean.)

Went shopping with my parents today--there's a lovely market district full of independent/local stores. Got coffee, tea, produce, and lots and lots of really nice chocolate. The kind you just can't eat more than a piece of at a time, so it's fine.
(My mother also bought incredible fresh bread that I'm pretending doesn't exist because otherwise I will eat it all.)
We also had lunch at a lovely Thai restaurant that's been a family favorite since it opened a year or so ago. I had two small pieces of spring roll (vegetables and tofu) and tofu-veggie teriyaki stir-fry. Didn't touch the rice AT ALL. Wasn't even tempted to touch the rice.

Got home and eventually made stir-fry with kale, red bell pepper, and mock chicken. Also had a small plum.

Off to the gym soon.

I'm really liking this "healthy lifestyle" thing.
I dunno. Might be something to pursue.
We shall see what happens.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


I told myself I wasn't going to post again until I was in the 130s (140.5 both yesterday and this morning), but I'm feeling so fucking positive that I felt like I had to share some of that positivity. :)

Four out of the last five days, I've done some kind of hard exercise (2 days hiking, day off, 2 days at the gym). I can feel my upper body, particularly my back muscles, getting stronger. In a holy-crap-if-I-keep-this-up-I'll-actually-be-able-to-do-a-real-pull-up kind of way.

I ran today! For the first time in about three months. I only did a mile and a half, but whatever.
Tomorrow is upper body focus, but Friday I'll attempt two miles. Then 2.5, 3, etc. and see where I get.

The fat on my thighs is GONE.
My inner thighs have that annoying chub that keeps the thigh gap away, but my quads and hamstrings are back to pure muscle. I like the flex-and-punch method of determining how much fat is on a particular part of my body, haha. Flex the muscle group in question, slap/punch on one area, and see if there are fat waves. No ripple=all muscle.

Yesterday and today I've been eating SO WELL. 70ish grams of protein with under 1000 calories. All good food--lots of kale, tomatoes, carrots, broccoli, and spinach.
I sometimes forget how good it feels to eat well.

I'm hoping I'll see a decrease on the scale tomorrow. I'm hoping for 138.5. Or 139. Something to make up for the maintenance today (which was a lot of sodium-driven water retention. I had like six pickle spears last night. Whoops). But as long as I don't see a gain, I think I'll be okay. I see a difference in the mirror, and I FEEL better. And smaller. And stronger.

Don't get me wrong--I still want 117. Eventually.
Right now I just feel happy and healthy. And that's a lot.

Much love.

Monday, August 26, 2013


Weekend was wonderful. I ate way waaaaaaaay too much, but hiked for five hours on Saturday and an hour and a half yesterday, so it sort of evens itself out?

141.5 this morning, BUT my waist is half an inch smaller than the last time I was here, so I'm not panicking too much.

I have 13 days until I return to school, 15 days until hardcore dancing starts again. I really wanted to be 130 when I got back, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.
My aim will be 133. 8.5 pounds in two weeks; just over 4 pounds a week. I think i can do that.

The gameplan: 17-Day-Diet. This is one of those annoying fad diets that popped up last year (my mother and chronic-dieter-aunt tried it, so I got roped into it, too), but I actually quite like it.
You don't count calories (which is both incredibly unnerving and ultimately probably helpful in getting me into a healthier mindset to go back to school with [pro-tip: hardcore restricting and 8+ hour days of dance don't mix well]).
The diet that 3 17-day cycles, hence the name. I'm probably just going to do the first one, because school and rehearsal and such.
In the first cycle, you eat almost zero starches. You're allowed two servings of low-sugar fruits before 2 pm, and that's as starchy as it gets. Besides that, you eat unlimited vegetables, lean proteins (for me, tofu-based stuff and seitan), and 1-2 tablespoons of fats (cooking with olive oil).

I like this diet because there's already a list of "safe foods" that more or less corresponds to my pre-existing list, so it appeases my ED mindset without pushing me further into it. It's also mother-approved, so that makes my life a whole lot easier.

In theory you're only meant to exercise for 17 minutes a day (isn't that cute? -barf-), but fuck that. Heading to the gym this afternoon for an hour on the elliptical and strength training.

I've taken "before" pictures (ohgodohgodohgod); I'll try to take "during" ones the day before I leave. We'll see how much of a difference two weeks can make.

Hope your weekends have been lovely, m'dears. I look forward to catching up on all of your blogs. <3

Friday, August 23, 2013

Holy crap, you guys are way too nice to me.
Thank you for all of your lovely comments on my photos! <3

This is just a quick update to say that I'll be computer-less until Sunday evening. Driving down to West Virginia with my parents for a weekend of hiking--doing shorter 3-5 milers today and Sunday, but gonna do a 12-mile one with my dad tomorrow. Looking forward to the exercise, not so much to the "eating three meals a day together."
Oh, well. There's a mini gym where we're staying, so might try to get in some extra cardio and strength to mitigate all the food.

Have a lovely, skinny weekend m'dears. <3

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


I take awkward pictures.

Also, my face is fat.

BUT my collarbones are reappearing. 
So that's something.

(They've been better than this. MUCH better. But they were almost completely gone about three days ago, so I'll take it.)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Good Day

Well, it took me long enough, but I FINALLY had a good day.
I mean, I'm still fat.
But I didn't do anything to make that worse.

Breakfast was coffee, green tea, and Ripped Fuel (must go buy more. Will do that tomorrow.)
Lunch (at 2 pm) was almonds, cucumber with spicy brown mustard, and strawberries. I couldn't finish everything I had on my plate, so gave away the last bit of everything to my parents. In total, ate 101 calories (9 almonds, six small strawberries, and a quarter of a cucumber).
Got back to the gym today. Fuckin FINALLY. I don't know why I avoid it. It always makes me feel so much better when I do go, plus it's two hours out of the day where I'm not in my house and therefore not around food. Spent an hour on the elliptical, then did upper body weight machines, abs, and stretching. -600 calories.
Dinner (at 6:30) was 1/8 cup lentils, 3 oz tofu, kale, yellow bell pepper, and tomato. 214 calories, 18 grams of protein.

Total intake of 315 calories, 21 grams of protein. Net of -285 today.
"If every day were like today, you'd weigh 121.2 lbs in 5 weeks!"
Well, I have 7 to get to 117, so that sounds pretty damn good to me. Let's do it.

It seems like as soon as I have one good day, I have a string of them. Getting that first one always feels so difficult--"I'm fat, I'm disgusting, there's nothing I can do to change that, so here, let me stuff myself with food until it hurts because it doesn't fucking matter," but as soon as I do, I feel so strong that I'm not willing to give that up.

So let's have another mug or two of tea, another bottle of water, read a book, and call it an early night.
Tomorrow holds so much promise, I can hardly wait. :)

(ALSO! I just hit 20 followers. THANK YOU ALL. YOU GUYS ARE INCREDIBLE. <3 )

Monday, August 19, 2013

"I guess you want to gain weight, don't you?"

Growing up, that sentence was the bane of my existence.
Skipped breakfast? "Oh, so you're TRYING to gain weight." No, dad, fuck off.
Ate after 7 pm? "Oh, I see you want to gain some weight, huh?" Nope, FUCK OFF, dad."
Get less than 9 hours of sleep (so, y'know, every day of my life)? "Oh, I guess you're trying to gain weight, is that it?" (You can guess my response.)

The point being, as much as I hated that phrase growing up, it's true.
If you're not trying to lose weight, you must be trying to gain it.
Extra bites aren't slip-ups or moments of weakness. A brownie isn't a mistake. A day off from the gym isn't laziness.
These are purposeful moments of self-sabotage. These are little things that add up to "yes, I DO want to gain weight and be a fat cow the rest of my life."

I'm going to stop saying yes to those moments.
The only things I will say "yes" to from now on are the things that will make me skinny.

(Thanks, dad.)

Fucking Hell

My collarbones are gone.
All but my very first rib have disappeared.
I've gained an inch (A FULL FUCKING INCH) on my waist.

And the scale says 141.5.


This is the last time I will EVER see 14_ on the scale. Never again.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Letter To The Ex

I want a copy of The Bell Jar.
(Or, rather, I want to be the kind of girl who owns a copy of The Bell Jar.)

I want to be thin and starving.
(Or, perhaps, I want to be the kind of girl who is thin and starving?)

It's 2 am and I can't sleep and I'm playing Tetris and reading Ariel and drinking green tea because it's Good For You.

I wish we still talked.

I'd like to talk to you now, and I know you're still awake because it's only 1 where you are and anyway you never go to bed before 3.

This is one of those nights where I miss you and wish I didn't. I don't want to be the kind of girl who misses you.

(I don't know if that's because I want to be the kind of girl who doesn't miss anybody, or because I want to be the kind of girl who still has you.)
(I don't know if the distinction matters.)

One year and eight days ago I visited you and you asked me where I wanted to sleep. I said I'd take the extra mattress because I am an idiot.
(Later, I told you I didn't know it was a hint.)
(Later, I told you I thought it might be a hint but I was scared.)
(I knew it was a hint. I wasn't scared. I was at my highest weight ever.)
If I had slept with you then, would we have figured out how to work when we both had time to devote to that?
If I had slept with you then, would I be sleeping with you now?

You made me believe in Ever After, you know.
One year and eight days from now we'd have our own apartment in the cities and I'd be doing company work and choreographing and you'd be continuing that start-up of yours and we'd scrape by. We'd have a little kitchen table with a tablecloth from the thrift shop and a vase with fake flowers because real ones are too expensive. We'd have arguments about dinner because if I ate at all it would be vegetables and tofu and you, well, you don't do plants, really. I'd love those arguments. I'd carry those arguments with me in my jacket pocket and turn them over in my hands until they became so worn we'd have no choice but to have them again, and maybe this time one of us would break. I'd carry those arguments into bed with us and as your nails dug into my back they'd feel my spine and ribs and muscle and no fat whatsoever and you'd sound worried and I'd laugh and tell you that as long as I could wake up to you, I'd keep waking up.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Apparently "7 day liquid fast" secretly means "binge at Hour 26 and then, whoops. parents aren't going out like they said so no purging."

As of this morning, 23.5 pounds to lose to be 117 on my 21st.
That's only a net of -50 a day (not including BMR).
I can totally do this.

No food yet today. About to go to my grandmother's for her 86th birthday. There will be salad. It will be delicious.

I know what I want.
I know what I need to do.
It's not a matter of willpower. It's a matter of doing what I absolutely have to do.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

One week liquid fast.
Soymilk allowed if I really need calories.
Workout (at least toning) every day.
4 hours down, 164 to go.

(I just need to do something to prove to myself that I can.
I will succeed.
It will be glorious.)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Successes (and failures)

After my self-motivating post yesterday (thank you all for your lovely comments on it!), I had a semi-successful day.
Cleaned half of my room, got things sorted out with my boss (I'm teaching dance classes at a local studio when I head back to college), worked on director-y stuff (a few of my friends and I have started a new dance company at our school), went to the gym (FINALLY), worked a bit on a short story, read, and started online German lessons.
Not bad.

The gym was 45 minutes elliptical and about 20-30 minutes of upper body strength. My gym has a shite free weights selection so I use their strength machines, and WOW. I've gotten so much stronger since I was last there. Machines that I was previously having trouble moving 40 pounds on I managed to do 6+ reps at 50+ pounds.

I was feeling pretty good about the workout at the time, but I'm only a little bit sore this morning, so clearly I didn't push enough. Ah, well. Today's another chance.

...the thing I'm not particularly pleased about yesterday was intake.
1 pm: A small apple, 2 tbsp cashews. (137 cal)
5:30 pm: Lentils with spinach, tomato, and tofu. (110 cal) * This was supposed to be double, but my mother decided after I was done cooking that she wanted some, so I gave her half of my portion.
7:00 pm: Baby carrots with hummus, 2 artichoke hearts. (155 cal)
9:00 pm: Pita with tomato and tofu. A small apple. (247 cal)
Total: 649 cal
Through exercise: -460 cal
Net: 191

I hate that I had the pita, and I hate that I ate so much so late. Today's a new day.

It's 6:30 and I've been up for 3 hours already.
I woke up at 3:30 and tried to go back to sleep, but my mind was too filled with choreography ideas, so I've been up for a while trying to flesh those out a bit more.

Goals for the day:
Intake under 650
Solidify fall choreography concept
German lessons
Read (a book. not blogs.)
Clean the rest of my room

I hope you lovelies have a successful, happy day. <3


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Do You Have What It Takes To Be Extraordinary?

I used to believe that I did.

I want to believe that I do.

(Warning: this is a long post that's only partially about weight. I need to write this for me. I don't expect y'all to read it.)

I want to be extraordinary.
That used to be something that I worked for every single day of my life.
Rather than sit around wondering what happened, I'm going to get that back.

I've always had these grand ideas of what "success" means for me.
In high school, Success revolved around the ability to be the top of my class, top in my dance studio, and top in any extra-curriculars.
My image of Future Success was the ability to pursue both dance and physics. To one day get a PhD in theoretical physics, but to continue dance as... a hobby? I'm not sure what I thought.
Sophomore year of college I tried to double major in dance and physics, almost flunked out of physics classes as a result. Dropped that shit. Am now a dance and sociology/anthropology double major.
...I don't respect the soc/anthro major. I just don't. I don't think it's useful, I don't think the people in it are particularly intelligent (though, let me brag for a minute, I go to a damn good school. There are no DUMB people at my school. But. Y'know.) and I've lost a lot of respect for myself by being a part of this major.
It gets better because I'm able to combine soc/anthro and dance and basically have made a little performance studies major for myself, so I don't hate myself quite as much because performance studies, while not particularly useful is something that I find incredibly interesting and can talk about for hours on end and, hey, who doesn't want to become an academic?
(Confession: I always wanted to be a scholar. I wanted to have a study with a large mahogany desk, a plush green velvet chair, and walls covered in bookshelves. I would always have a large mug of tea, and a nice tobacco pipe, and a jacket with elbow patches. I would drink scotch. I have since discovered that I'm not overly fond of scotch, but the rest still stands.)

Somehow, in letting go of the physics major, my idea of Success became more all-encompassing.
Now, Success is:
Having my choreography performed outside of an academic setting
Dancing outside of an academic setting
Eventually owning my own dance company
Publishing a fiction book
Publishing an academic/scholarly work
Becoming pentalingual
Being 117 pounds (or lower. This number has been 117, 113, 109, 107, 105, 103, and 98 at different points in time. Right now it's 117.)

Separate from the goals that I want to achieve, I have an idea of what Success looks like. The sort of secondary things that let me be successful, but aren't the goal.
Success involves lots of travel mugs of coffee. Success involves cardigans and glasses as I work through piles of books and papers. Success involves a relationship with somebody else just as busy as I am; it involves seeing them a few times a week and being proud of them and their accomplishments and them being proud of me and my accomplishments. Success involves Friday nights of "finally, a moment to relax." Success involves sleepless nights. Success involves getting up early to write, or read, or edit text/music/video.
I have pictured scenes of my Successful Self over and over again. Sometimes they involve other people; often I'm by myself. They involve tea, coffee, alcohol, books, laptops. Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self eaten.
Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self worried about her weight.
Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self been ashamed of her body.
Never, not once, has any version of my Successful Self been this fat.

I need to be Successful. Not just successful, but Successful. I need to achieve what I have set out to achieve. I need to be extraordinary.

I need to actually work on my writing, not just say that it's something I'll do.
I need to actually work on my choreography, not just think about it.
I need to actually become 117 pounds, not just say that I want that.

Yesterday was the last day of being Unsuccessful.
From this moment forward, everything I do will be in pursuit of Success.
I owe myself that much.

Monday, August 12, 2013

It appears that when I'm in this house, I have two modes: eat nothing, and eat everything.

I need to figure this out.

(Nothing happy to share today. Sorry, y'all.)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Lowest Weight In Over A Year

Which means, if I don't fuck up today, I'm on track to break this fast tomorrow morning.
That will be 108(ish) hours of fasting.
I hope I don't fuck it up.
I hadn't been nervous about prematurely breaking the fast before today. But
a) I agreed to go grocery shopping with my father, where I will be incredibly tempted. But this is just an exercise in willpower, and I'm not overly concerned. The bigger problem is
b) My mother, who's been staying with my grandmother up to this point, is coming home this afternoon. While my dad may not notice if I eat or not, she certainly does. Might just escape to Starbucks this evening. I suppose we'll see if I have the energy to walk that distance or not.

Bella asked if I had a plan to break my fast. Right now the plan is a smoothie made of strawberries, kiwi, a handful of spinach, and soymilk (125 cal) for breakfast, and steamed vegetables and fruit for the rest of the day.

And then, starting Tuesday, the gym and I will finally be reunited.

4.5 pounds until my first goal. My original time frame was to hit that 30 days from now. I think I can safely say I'll manage that.

I might think about getting down to 127 and then maintaining for a couple of weeks. Ward off any maternal suspicion, make sure I'm strong enough for dance, etc.etc.
But make no mistake, I WILL be 120 or below on October 10th. I have 60 days to do it.

ALSO! I get to make seitan tonight! That's a big part of the reason I'm going to ze grocery store with my father. Seitan is a vegan protein source made of vital wheat gluten. It's chewy and lovely and for 150 calories you get 20 grams of protein. Basically, it's the best and ALSO super fun to make because you have to knead it a bit like bread and you can be like

("Grr argh" courtesy of Joss Whedon. aka the guy behind Buffy/Angel/Firefly/Serenity/Dollhouse/Dr. Horrible/Cabin in the Woods/The Avengers. aka my favorite person ever.)

Aaaaaaand I've been up for two hours. It's not even 7 yet.
I'm not good at sleeping when I fast. -sigh-

Hope you're all having lovely days.

Edit: I dunno if it's because I let myself get thirsty, if it's because I've been up for six hours now, or if it's because I spent an hour and a half walking around grocery stores and buying delicious (and healthy) food, but holy.fucking.shit. am I hungry. Making coffee now to attempt to destroy this. least I know my metabolism hasn't shut down yet?

Saturday, August 10, 2013


Another 1.5 pounds down!
Which means I've lost 5.5 pounds in a week. Not too bad, if I do say so myself. I'm back at my low weight for the year.

61 hours into the fast and it hasn't been terribly difficult yet. I've done my own version of greying out a few times (for some reason I lose vision completely in my right eye, but my left is fine) and I've had the house to myself a lot, which means the urge to b/p is always there. I haven't given in. I will not give in.

Now, I know I'm not going to hit 133 by the end of 72 hours, and I know I won't hit it tomorrow morning, either. So the fast extends until I see 133 staring up at me. Or until my mother insists we cook/eat/go out for dinner together. So either way, food will happen Monday at the earliest.

And the day after food happens, the gym will begin happening.
Because as much as I might like feeling light and airy and empty, that's not gonna fly when I start preseason. My school's dance company has us all come back five days before classes start, and in that time we learn a brand new piece, which means 10-4 rehearsal every single day. It's always tough, and I need to be strong for it, not empty.
So. Gym.
I'm thinking start 45 minutes on the elliptical, alternating days arm and leg weights, 30 more minutes on the elliptical, then stretching and abs. Every. Single. Day.
Eventually I'll work up to an hour for each elliptical session.
I might add yoga in the mornings, as well.
Because I'll burn around 800 cal in these gym sessions (to begin with, at least), I think I'll let my total intake be something like 750 with at least 80 grams of protein.

I have a plan.
I am seeing results.
I'm going to take this as a cue to be productive in other aspects of my life, as well.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Tsk Tsk, Telling Lies

We remember K? The former-circus-freak friend with ED and SH problems who I stayed with before dance festival?
A few things about her.
1) She hates that she has these problems. She suffers through them. She hates everything associated with it.
2) She and I were almost dating at the end of the school year (after D and I broke up I was too much of a mess to actually date her, but she had feelings for me and we hooked up quite a bit).
3) She expects us to end up in a relationship when we get back to school, despite me telling her that it's not going to happen and that she should use the summer to get over me.
4) We don't lie to each other.

Except that she thinks I'm more or less fully recovered from my eating problems.
She knew that I struggled with them before, including at the end of last school year. But I've told her that being at the dance festival fixed them and I'm all recovered.

Because I don't want her pity.
Because I don't want her checking up on me.
Because I don't want her worrying looks.
Because I want to do this. All the way.
And so I've been lying to her. For the first time ever.
And I don't care.


PS, 137.5 this morning. Currently 45 hours without food and I feel great. I find this a lot easier when I actually feel hungry... does that make any sense?

Thursday, August 8, 2013

24 hours down... how many to go?

142 last night right after the binge.
139.5 this morning.
I'm relieved that I didn't break 140 for more than a few hours.
24 hours without food, 138.5.

I had 30 calories today in the form of half a can of Orange Melon Starbucks Refreshers Energy Drink (had the other half yesterday). Besides that, black coffee and water.
Almost made and consumed a full batch of pancakes. Didn't. Success.

I'm hoping to drop down to 137 tomorrow morning. I dunno. We'll see.
If I can drink another two bottles of water and a mug or two of green tea with lemon before bed, I think I should get there.
Then it's just 4 more pounds until food. Probably a 72 hour fast in total. I think the longest I've gone is 56-ish hours, but that was with dance. Given the lack of exercise that's been happening recently, I don't think I'll have a problem making it to 72.
If it takes longer than 72, fine. Not another piece of food will pass my lips until I see 133 on the scale.
And then food which will be carefully planned, controlled, and spaced throughout the day, because we all know if I start eating without a plan, I won't stop until it hurts.
I'm thinking a 1250 calorie deficit a day--that will make me lose 2.5 pounds a week. So if I don't exercise at all, I get to eat ((BMR*1.2)-1250)=370 calories. More if I exercise.

ALSO: thank you to everyone who's been reading and commenting! Sam Lupin and Skinny Bitch especially, your commenting sprees made my day. :)
To ANYONE who's commented (Bella and Warlock's Mistress, looking at you guys) : I'm working through your blog archives and I'll subscribe/start commenting when I'm caught up, promise! Much love to all of you. <3

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Conversation With My Father:

Him: "Did you have dinner already?"
Me: "Yeah."
"What did you have?"
Me: "There was some [soy] chicken in the freezer."
"Did you open it or was it already open?"
"It was already opened. I finished it off."
"YOU FINISHED IT OFF? I hope there was only one piece!"
(It was this stuff. A serving is about five or six pieces.)
"Well, what will I have for dinner? I would have chicken, but somebody ate it all."
<taking a tupperware container of something I had intended to bring to lunch at the dance intensive, which didn't end up happening because, y'know, no dance intensive>
"How many calories did you say were in here?"
"In the whole thing? I'm not going to eat the whole thing! God! This is huge!"
(Yeah, fuck you, it was meant for the middle of a 6-hour intensive. Even I know that I'm allowed to eat under those circumstances.)
"What is this? Brown rice?"
"Where did you get brown rice?"
" the cabinet."
"You cooked it?"
"I didn't know you could cook brown rice in the microwave!"
"You can, but I didn't."
"Wow, I didn't know you could use a stove!"

Fuck. You. You. Fucking. Asshole.
I cook all the fucking time, and that was especially true before the ED bullshit. I cook WELL. DO NOT call into question my cooking skills.
He also likes to pretend that he eats healthier foods than I do, that everything I eat is crap, and that he's a better person for it. He likes to pretend that he's in great shape because he mountain bikes a few times a week (which, admittedly, is pretty good for a 61-year-old) and that I'm in awful shape, never exercise, and am incredibly unhealthy.
Dude. Even when I binge it's on protein-rich, vegetable-filled, whole grain kind of stuff. When I'm at school I dance 20ish hours a week and workout at least three times a week on top of that. I LIKE vegetables. He won't eat broccoli, beets, cauliflower, spinach, green beans, sweet potato, or avocado. He won't eat any kind of berries unless it's in the form of a strawberry milkshake. Dude's like five pounds away from being obese.


(Also, was not lying. I ate dinner. I actually binged. On soy chicken, on a soy riblet, on brown rice and beans with vegetables. On a few tortilla chips, but literally just ate 1300 calories and 87 grams of protein. So. Y'know. It could have been a lot worse, and this protein (99 grams total today) should keep me going for a while.At 1700 calories today. Fasting starts now, going until I see 133. Will NOT be in this house more than I absolutely have to.)

Aaaaand /endrant.

Sorry, y'all.
Hope your days are skinny and lovely and filled with less annoying people than mine. <3

Let's Go Back To The Start

138 this morning.
I deserve 140s. 150s.


About to head to Starbucks to hide out for the day.
No food until I'm 133. That's only 5 pounds. Maybe a 3-day liquid fast? Caffeine obviously allowed.

Goals for the day:
Re-edit what I have of the novel, write 15 more pages.
Consume <400 calories in the form of caffeine.
Make it through the first chapter of Harry Potter und der Stein der Weisen (that's HP1 in German.)

If I can't be a decent person, I'll at least be a successful one. Skinny, well-read, artistic, multilingual.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

180 degrees

New plan of action:
eat everything because the outsides should reflect the insides: greedy, disgusting, lazy, fat, and ugly.

(hahajk of course I just took laxatives 'cause I'm too fucking vain to let people see how disgusting I am.)
(can't do this anymore.)

We're Goin' Down

I KNOW some of that is dehydration (even though I was drinking water like crazy yesterday, I get dehydrated super fast when I don't eat).
But 137.5.
That's less than I weighed a year and a half ago when I developed an ED (er, when I dove into this round of the ED. I'll give you guys my full history at some point, if you're interested).
That's a pound and a half above my lowest weight in the last fifteen months (short version: I developed a nasty b/p habit and gained).
That's only 7.5 pounds away from my first goal.
That's only 17.5 pounds away from my birthday goal. In 64 days.
Maybe I should lower that goal.

I would love to keep up this momentum by fasting (it's been 25 hours since last food).
I'm absolutely terrified that if I put one bit of solid food in my mouth, it's going to lead to a binge and un-do not only the last three days (yes, that's 4 pounds in three days!) of work, but above and beyond that.
I'm not hungry. I'm empty. I have a headache, but that can be fixed with caffeine and water.
...but I can already see myself losing muscle definition from not working out, which is Unacceptable.

I'm going to be playing caretaker Thursday and Friday, then again Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
I think, and this may be the worst plan ever, because so very much could go wrong, but I think I'll eat today, tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, and go to the gym those days. 1-2 hours cardio, 30-60 minutes strength training.
I'll fast when I'm at my grandmother's.
That might be a suicide mission, because who the hell can not eat while at a grandparent's house, but I feel so strong. If I have to eat, it'll be <100 calories of vegetables.

Food on the eating days will be <500 calories with as much protein and vegetables packed in as possible.

Every day I'll drink at least 2 mugs of green tea and 100 oz of water.

Also, if I stay under 138 tomorrow, that means I get to open my first goal polish! It's a gorgeous metallic purple, so I'm incredibly excited. Will probably post pictures once I have it on. :)

Stay skinny, ladies. <3

Monday, August 5, 2013

I Don't Understand Today

Watch out, this is a long one.
It's 10 am and I'm already this confused about the world?

Woke up at 5:45 to get ready for this intensive. Weight was 141 because I was a fat pigbitch and had nuts and raisins last night.

Ate breakfast (450 calories. I hated every moment of eating it, but hey, six hours of dance burns at least 1500 calories. Actual estimates say 1800-2400, but that seems too high, so I always assume 250/hour, or 1500 for six hours).
Now, here's the thing. I don't drive. So, no problem, I'm in a city, I'll take the bus to the intensive. In theory, I'd take a bus from my neighborhood to downtown and have ten minutes to walk about two blocks and catch a second bus out to the studio.
Yeah, well.
Caught the first bus at 7:15. Right on time. Was supposed to get off at 7:45. Except at 7:45 we had barely hit downtown. Didn't get to my stop until 8:10. Found where I was supposed to catch the next bus (it's now 8:15) except, oh wait, it's detoured MORE than what the bus's website claims. It doesn't hit downtown AT ALL anymore! I can take the subway out to where I could catch the next one, except when I get there (8:20), the next subway I can take will get me where I need to be just in time to miss the next bus, meaning I won't get to the studio until about 9:30 when I was supposed to be there at 8:30.
Yeah. I don't do late. I REFUSE to be late. Hell, I specifically took an earlier bus than I (should have) needed to just to get to the studio 20 minutes early!
But couldn't I be late just this once and explain?
Here's the thing: I emailed the intensive director three months after auditions asking to be let in. She did, and gave me a full scholarship because I took from her in highschool and she remembered me. Favor Number One.
I never sent in the scholarship acceptance/registration forms that I was supposed to have sent in two weeks ago, so they didn't actually know I was coming. I was going to turn them in today and hope for the best. Favor Number Two.
Add being an hour later to that? No. Unacceptable.
So instead, I came home. Took a bus that dropped me off a mile away so I'd have to walk a bit (because, oh yeah, I have those 450 calories of breakfast in me FOR NO REASON now).
It's okay. Not going to this intensive means that I can play caretaker for my grandmother and give my mom and aunts a break.
My grandma was in the hospital last Thanksgiving and has needed an oxygen tank and near-24 hour care since then. Whenever I'm home on break, I do it. I don't mind. It gives my mom and aunts a break, which is great for them. It's just... so DULL. She needs help getting out of bed, dressed, and downstairs, then she usually doesn't need anything until she goes back to bed at night. But she can't be left alone--she's not very strong anymore, could fall easily, and can't reach her oxygen if she needs to turn it up. So it's important that someone be there, it's just that 90% of the time that person is just sitting on the couch, watching whatever daytime television show she's decided to turn on.
And if that person is me, it also involves her telling me to eat. And eat. And eat.

So this was all going through my mind as I was walking home. How I had breakfast, how I was going to get fat from a) not dancing b) not being able to exercise because I can't leave her alone and c) having food forced on me. I was near panic with the thought of how much weight I'd gain.

And then.

I got home.

I emptied my bladder, stripped down, and weighed myself again (because I have a nasty habit of stepping on the scale every time I'm in the bathroom).

It didn't register.
I stared at the number.
I stepped off the scale.
Moved it over a tile.
Back on.
Off again.
On again.

So. I guess I'm 139.5. Huh. 2 pounds down since Saturday.
I told you, today's been a real head scratcher.
(Now I just need to keep this up while I'm gone.)