Thursday, December 18, 2014

No Numbers

Why was everything so much easier last week?
(I KNOW the answer.)
B/P three times in the last two days. Fuck this shit.

What worked, even if it was just for a week, was not counting. No counting, but 80% of my diet consisted of fruits and vegetables. The other 20% was tofu, lentils, wild rice, and nuts. I was losing weight. Not quickly, but a little.
I need to do that. Apples and clementines and spinach and red peppers and all the delicious things that I love. Water and tea and perfection.
It will be good.
It will be beautiful.
I will be beautiful.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Make It Look So Easy

Was it just this weekend I was in LA, feeling skinny(ish), easily eating only healthy food and drinking coffee, walking everywhere, admiring art, happy and feeling free and worldly and, dare I say it, pretty?

And yet right now I feel so incredibly fat and disgusting and terrible. Hideous.
I want the feeling of this weekend back. Pure and happy and free and easy.

Have any of you ever read Arden Leigh's The New Rules of Attraction?
So it's a pick-up guide aimed at women, but please stick with me. I've read it at least three times and, honestly, it doesn't read like a skeezy pick-up guide or an overly emotional, fluffy self-help book. I like it because it reads as a guide to illusion. Of perfection, of creating an over-the-top character of yourself, of beauty and intrigue and making it all look easy.
That's what I want.
Beauty, mystery, artistry, and intrigue.

I'll get there.

Much love.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Well Hello There

The number on the scale is unspeakable.
It has been for months, honestly, but I haven't had the strength or the drive or the reason to come back here.
But fuck that. I'm not getting into any dance companies doing shit the healthy way, let's see what happens if I do this.

I binged last night, what a surprise. I had actually been good for like four or five days, was feeling good, then, BAM, binge, no purge.
So today (/tomorrow? I'm going to sleep again, it's 4 am) is caffeine and water raw fruits and vegetables for... ahem... cleansing effects... then it will be the start of a Great Fast a la Ana Regzig. Let's go for a week at first. Alternating water fast/juice and smoothie fast/something low-cal but high-protein with lots of exercise. T-30 Days until I head to NYC for two big auditions.

Until then, think thin thoughts, my skinny bitches.
Much love,
--The Dancer