Good Things

I am still fat, but that's neither here nor there at the moment.

I got a promotion at work! It's only a small increase in pay/hours worked, but I get a second title and I'm actually absorbing an entire position after we let someone else go. So that's exciting.

Haven't heard from any recent auditions, but I've taken dance classes three days in a row now and am going back tomorrow for yoga, modern, and improv (4 hours of movement). The class I took today was with my old college dance professor, and we had a nice discussion beforehand about the state of dance in the city I'm in--how there are no auditions, no independent choreographers looking for dancers, and how all of the major companies use a roster of the same 30-ish dancers for all of their projects. Her advice was to just make my own work, start my own company. So. At least it's not all in my head.

I've been working with Duolingo to brush up on my German for the past week. (The last sentence I had to translate: "Sofern du bezahlst, trinke ich" which is basically "as long as you're paying, I'm drinking." I appreciate that Duolingo understands the phrases I need in my daily life.)
I started their French course yesterday. "Je suis une femme" is about as advanced as my French is at this point, but that's okay.  I've wanted to improve my German and learn a third language for a while now, so yay goal progress.

I've also started looking at meet up groups in the area. I think maybe if I'm more social, I'll feel better about... well... everything. I've so far RSVP'd to two book club meetings, one of which is a week from Sunday, so I'll have to start reading that soon. I'd also like to lose weight by then (ha, of course), if for no other reason than I put way too much emphasis on first impressions.

Tomorrow I'm going to a burlesque show with H partially because it's fun and partially as a celebration of my promotion.

K's birthday was Wednesday. I texted her happy birthday, she said thanks and she hopes I'm well. I said thanks and same to her. The same sentences we've ended every stilted conversation with: hope you're well. Glad you're well. You sound well. They're rather meaningless, but when we find ourselves in situations where we have to talk, that's what comes out.
I'm upset about it but also not. It takes a lot of energy to wish that we were still together, and it's not energy that I'm usually willing to expend, even if deep down I absolutely DO wish that we were still together.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all.

I dunno.
Things are going well, even if I am fat.

I just wish I could either lose the weight or stop hating my body. Or both. I'm becoming happier and happier cultivating my inner person (excuse the hippie talk), but I still hate what's on the outside.
Well.
One out of two is better than it was.

Hope you're all well, my loves.
<3
--The Dancer

T-15

Including today, 15 days 'til my birthday.
15 days for 15 pounds?

I weigh about the same that I did a few weeks ago, but I've been dancing a lot more, so I feel a lot fitter/a bit leaner.
But still.

I dunno, man.
I'm starting to be a little more social again--catching up with old friends who aren't in the area anymore, making plans with people who are. On Monday night I went to this theatre awards show (some people I've worked with won! Glad I was there to support them!) with H, my old college roommate who's heavily involved in the theatre scene here. H and I are going to a dance awards ceremony in a couple of weeks, and H, some other friends, and I are going to a burlesque show next week.
Which is to say that I'm doing things again.
Also have a crush. We'll call him W. (I should come up with better pseudonyms than just initials. Meh.) He did the lighting design for a show I was in back in May and I got to know him a bit through that; he also came (alone!) to see my Fringe show, and I ran into him again at the awards ceremony. He actually spotted me first and came to say hello.
I dunno. He's really sweet and funny and intelligent and involved in the arts and cute and I don't know how to approach him! He's involved in a show that open next week and runs for a month, so obviously going to drag H and maybe some others to see that and hope to run into him there, but otherwise... I dunno. I don't have his number, and I've never interacted with him outside of arts things, but he's wonderful and even if nothing happens, it feels so nice to have a crush again.

Having a crush also acts as motivation, right?
In a different way than the normal self-hatred that motivates. It's more positive. It's nice. You want to be better because you want someone to think highly of you, not because you hate yourself so much.

But anyway.
15 days and 15 pounds. So far today I've had hot lemon water, coffee, and oatmeal, totaling 300 calories. It's after noon. I'll probably have more oatmeal this evening, and a cup of vegetable soup (carrots, bell pepper, and butternut squash puree: 72 cal for a cup). Lots of dance tomorrow. Will report back on losses.

<3
--The Dancer

Cautious Optimism

Food's been a bit out of control, but not in a bad way?
I've been constantly hungry and eating too much, but I think the naughtiest thing I've had in the past four days would be a mix of dark chocolate chips, almonds, and walnuts. All of the vegetables.
I weighed myself this morning and I haven't gained since the last weigh-in last week, so that's nice.
My skin looks a lot better, too. Not "good," because I'm pretty sure I will literally never have "good skin," but SO MUCH BETTER.
I feel better, too. I mean, I'm still hungry all the time and, oh hey, it's 3 am here and I'm not sleeping, but just day-to-day is better.

Let's see.
Sunday and Monday I didn't workout at all. Holiday weekend. Got food back on track in a big way, though. Cleaned a bit.
Tuesday I had work. Was going to take class in the morning (I work for a dance company; a HUGE perk is free class whenever I want, including during the workday), but had to train in a new volunteer instead. Alas. Still took two classes after the workday; 3 hours of dance.
Wednesday (yesterday) I didn't work; hit the gym in the morning for some cardio/weights/stretching, then two more dance classes in the evening (2.5 hours of dance+an hour-ish at the gym). Didn't do anything of note in-between.
Thursday (today) I work, and I'll hopefully be able to take class in the evening, but we're having issues with our volunteer coordinator not doing her job (see: me unexpectedly having to train a volunteer on Tuesday), so I might have to work during the class. I might take a morning class instead if I can get my shit together/get work done quickly enough beforehand. Today's also the farmer's market, so that's lovely. Lots and lots of fresh produce that's so much less expensive than at the grocery store, AND it's on the street that I work on, so I quite literally cannot miss it walking to/from work.

So food has been good, and exercise/dance has been good.
Another audition was announced, as well. So I have an audition on the 19th and another on the 27th. The 19th is the super commercial-style audition, but the 27th is actually for a pretty cool company.
Also attending a theatre awards ceremony with my old college roommate on the 21st, so that's a potential networking opportunity.
So those are my reasons to lose weight, but they're also reasons to do so in a way that keeps me strong.

My to-do list is still too long, though: fellowship stuff, mostly, that I've been ignoring because it's so huge that even beginning is daunting. Also cleaning: again, see "so huge that even beginning is daunting." And I have a new piece that I want to start working on, just to make something. Maybe my goal for today will be to ask a few dancers I'd like to work with if they'd be interested.

I dunno.
I'm cautiously optimistic about my future/about life in general. I often feel lazy--like I should have a full-time job, or at least work more than I do, that I should do X and Y and Z and then I have weeks like this where I remember that, hey, I'm a freelance dancer. Taking class and going to the gym IS part of my job. It's not indulgent or lazy, it's my career.
That sounds like a silly thing to not always have in mind, I guess. But watching those I graduated with having full-time jobs in their fields, and fielding questions from my parents about when I'm going to grad school, because as far as they're concerned this is a "break" for me, and knowing that I'm not able to fully support myself just by performing, sometimes it's hard to take it seriously as a career.
I've always been a bit Type-A, I guess. I went to a performing arts high school AND danced outside of school AND played a sport AND founded/ran the Model UN team AND was National Honor Society vice-president AND was on/captained the Academic Olympiad team. In college, I double majored in VERY unrelated things at one of the top ten liberal arts schools in the US (rankings just came out! Still up there!) AND taught at a dance studio AND founded a dance company AND set work outside of classes AND debated AND did Model UN (well... those last two I gave up after sophomore year). So post-grad life, in which I'm definitely doing things but not doing Everything All The Time, just feels like I'm not living up to my potential. Like I'm a disappointment. Like I'm a failure.

But it's okay. I'll figure it out. I'll dance more and nail these auditions and be brilliant with this fellowship and follow through on making this new work, and it will be okay.

Cautious optimism.

Stay strong.
<3
--The Dancer

Fabulous

I don't let myself think about these things when I'm sober.
They're too scary.
They involve want.
And want leads to hurt. I've learned that over and over.

But godfucking motherfucking earthfucking dammit, I'm going to do it.
I am going to achieve every single thing that I want.

I am going to be an absurdly sexy size two.
I am going to land another gig as a professional dancer.
I'm going to re-dye my hair and only wear things that make me feel fantastic and be That Person that turns heads and is so completely themselves and so completely fabulous that there's no question when you look at them. They just KNOW. They know who they are, what they want, and where they're going.

I'm going to fucking be that person.

This comes out of a couple of things.
Out of watching videos of myself dancing in college. We had a few different dance organizations: some pre-professional, working with faculty and guest artists. Some semi-professional, working with students who wanted to experiment with movement and investigate and make something interesting. And, of course, some just for fun: fun and sex and pop music and I fucking OWNED every single performance in every single group.
Because I had people telling me I was awesome. Because I had K telling me I was awesome. Because I had choreographers who begged me to be in their pieces.
I felt like fucking dance royalty.
Or, even without the dance, because all of campus came to at least one show a year. Everyone knew who I was. I felt like fucking royalty.
So I will be royalty outside of school, too. Out in this real world.
I will be fantastic. I will be enviable. I will act like a choreographer is lucky that I've even considering their piece, because they ARE lucky, goddammit.

That amount of sass and snoot isn't me, not really, But damn it feels good to pretend.
And fake it 'til you make it, right?

Friday Night, Let's Have a Go at Normal

I didn't gain weight this morning.
I lost only .2 yesterday, then tried to binge to hurt myself, but all I had to binge on was vegetables and a couple handfuls of nuts and today I woke up not having gained at all and actually feeling a bit leaner than yesterday.

If I can maintain into tomorrow, as well...
but that's probably asking way too much.

Having a girl's night in with some friends from undergrad. Take-out (Chinese or schawarma) and many bottles of wine. I said I'd bring dessert.

Won't eat until then, of course. Coffee all day, hopefully a quick workout.
I'm debating between this lovely chocolate mousse (silken tofu, dark chocolate, sugar/sweetener, and berries) which would be relatively safe, and making something much more sinful. I'd leave leftovers at their place, of course, so this is my chance to make something absolutely delectable and only have one go at it.
We'll see.

~

I found an old note from K today.

Just... empty. Empty from it.

"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."

Old things that don't matter, that don't count, that aren't true anymore.

Old things that I want to let go of, that I want to forget, that I want to not matter.

"It is better to have loved and lost" etc.etc.

~

On nights when I sleep at all, I sleep with a pillow clutched to my chest.
It is you, of course: it is the memory of your body, warm, your ribcage tucked under my arm so I could carry you like a package. Like something fragile, like something mine.
I thought that I was guarding you.
Your hair tickled my nose. I inhaled you, love. I literally breathed you.

And that is not a misuse of the word literally: you always liked that phrase, “and that is not a misuse of the word literally,” so I added it to my vocabulary, piled it atop the already mountainous heap of words we shared, a language we crafted together that ended up so far away from where it began that like everything else it had to collapse eventually.

That much distance is hell on a body.

I bought this bed with you in mind.
Your ghost still has the outer half.
It is yours.
It will always be yours.
This piece of my bed, of my apartment, that I do not own.
My apartment is already small, love. You’re taking up so much, and I am letting you have it.

Won’t you please come back and claim it?

I’ll trade you for it.
You take back the bed and I’ll take back that night we told secrets. That night we asked questions and told numbers and ruined it all.

“You are more important.”
“You are more important.”
“You are more important.”
“You are more important.”

9-2-15

I think that date is backwards for all of you non-Americans, aka all of my normal readers.
I've have a friend who went abroad when she had just turned 18... let's say her birthday was February 8th and she went in May. So her passports and such read 2-8-91 (or whatever year), which everyone in Europe read as August 2nd. She told me a story about how she had a lot of trouble getting in somewhere until finally she and the bouncer both realized, "oh, fuck, you're American, we're totally reading your birthday backwards. Sorrrrryyyyyy."

My birthday is October 10th. 10/10. It's always tickled me more than it should that I never have to worry about which comes first.

Nothing important there, I just think about it when I write dates and it amuses me.

~

Last night was good until I tried to go to sleep, and then it was awful. But that seems to be normal now. So. Oh well.

Down .8 this morning, and I don't THINK much of that is dehydration, because I had an honestly absurd amount of water after the purging. So. Yay.
Took measurements again this morning, too. (Yesterday I took them after purging... silly goose, that's not how that works.) They're less dire than they were, but still not great. But I'll take them.

Woke up about two minutes before my alarm. Coffee with soy milk (50), gym. 45 minute elliptical, then some bodyweight stuff (push-ups, dead hangs, abs). Machine says 450 burned. Let's call it 360. Protein shake (strawberries, spinach, soy milk, water, protein powder: 158, 18.5 g protein). Some stir-fried kale and red bell pepper (205) that I had like half of. Rest will be dinner, I guess. Allowing for some more black coffee, I'm 417 cal and 31 g protein today, minus 360 from the gym.

I'm out of tofu. Maybe I'll pop into the store and buy some to get a little more protein/"safe" calories in my day.
Maybe not. I've grown fearful of keeping food in the house. Binges abound, even when you'd think there's nothing I could binge on. Invention from necessity, y'know?

~

Ask for new projects and you shall receive.

Well. New audition. As much as this city has great modern dance and lots of opportunities for independent artists, almost NOTHING runs by auditions, which means it's hell to try to break into.

But I have an audition scheduled for the 19th. 17 days. It's for more a commercial gig than I'm really interested in career-wise, but hey, paid performance and the opportunity to tour, right? 

But also it's more a commercial gig, quick (one minute of choreography) style audition, so appearance matters. 

Hello, motivation.

But just the fact that the audition exists is calming. I've been here fourteen months and there have been maybe ten auditions in that time? And some of them I've travelled for... NYC and LA. So homegrown opportunities (that are open to everyone) are far enough apart that there's always the panic of "well what if the next one isn't until next year?" But this exists, and I will go, and I have ideas for new projects of my own, and and and.
It'll be okay.

~

It's just now noon and I'm at a coffee shop. I should be applying for some internships and some jobs, and really hardcore working on the fellowship project, but I'm reading blogs and writing blogs and working on my novel (how cliche!)

Ah, well.

I'm out of the house and drinking coffee with sweetener and cinnamon. It's good.

~

"Derealization or derealisation (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring and depth.^[1] It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions, such as psychiatric and neurological disorders, and not a standalone disorder.

Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside world, while depersonalization is unreality in one's sense of self. Although most authors currently regard derealization (surroundings) and depersonalization (self) as independent constructs, many do not want to separate derealization from depersonalization.^[2] The main reason for this is nosological, because these symptoms often co-occur, but there is another, more philosophical reason: the idea that the phenomenological experience of self, others, and world is one continuous whole. Thus, feelings of unreality may blend in and the person may puzzle over deciding whether it is the self or the world that feels unreal to them."

New Month, New Goals, New Life

Bella and Sam. <3 I can always count on you two.
Even when I'm not posting, you guys cross my mind, and I always hope you're doing well.

Some background, I guess. It's been eight months since I last posted.

That fellowship I applied for? I got it. People are giving me money and resources to make art. Holy shit.

I performed with a real company. I spent ten nights on a stage in front of a paying audience, performing. Making connections. Holy shit.

I choreographed, created a soundscore for, and produced a show in my city's Fringe Festival. People paid to see my work. I have a check from something I made. Holy shit.

These are the good things. These are the things that should make me go "yeah, okay, I've been out of school for fourteen months and that might seem like a really long time but I've been doing some shit. This is good."

But I don't have anything on the horizon. I mean, the fellowship is on-going until March, so I'm still (theoretically) working on that, but no more performances.  The last time someone else wanted me to work with them was when the show closed in May. And I've been depressed; I'm only working part-time at an office job (ostensibly so I have time to make art), and while I LOVE it (it's actually on the admin side of the best dance company in the area, and it means I'm making excellent connections with interesting people who also love dance), the fact that it's part-time means there are days that I don't have to get out of bed for anything.
So I don't.
I don't dance; it's a good week when I make it to two classes. That's not enough.
I don't go to the gym; it's an EXCELLENT week when I go twice, but more often than not I don't go at all. That's not enough.

I go to work and I come home and I binge and don't purge and watch Netflix and think about all of things I SHOULD be doing (like the fellowship work, or taking class), but I don't do any of them because I am a failure.

K and I barely speak anymore. We went from together forever to not-together-but-let's-try-to-be-friends to she's-seeing-someone-else-and-we-send-one-text-every-couple-weeks. She's the only one in my non-computer life who knows about anything, so I've completely lost my support system. It's been really, really rough. I have a couple of friends in the area and a few dancers I work with semi-regularly, but no one I really feel connected to.

(If I died on a Thursday after work, no one would notice until I didn't show up on Monday. Coworkers would probably text/call, but not think much of it until I didn't show up again on Tuesday. My body would sit for five days.)

Sunday and yesterday were hard. I barely ate and I drank a lot. Was decidedly suicidal on Sunday. I cut for the first time in well over a year, and it kind of helped. I read this beautiful poem K had written me when the suicidal-ness first started, and it made everything just so much worse, because none of the words mean anything anymore. I tried to reach out to a couple of online crisis helplines but they just made things worse. I took a couple vicodin and went to sleep.
Yesterday I got home from work and immediately started drinking again, but it was better, somehow. Maybe because I hadn't really eaten in two days so I at least felt like I was making some kind of progress. So I posted here.

Today I had a lot of coffee and then ate a lot and then purged because it's September and every decision I make in September is going to be a thin one, or something.

I don't know. The more I type the more confusing things get.

So here's what I know.
I weigh too much.
I'm too big. I have measurements, pounds and inches, but they're gross, so I won't post them.
I want to be smaller. I also want to be stronger, but right now smaller is more important.

I only have a part-time job, and the lack of a normal, rigorous schedule isn't helping my mental state.
I need more structure.

In 40 days I turn 23. I want to be 1xx pounds and either employed full-time or in the middle of a new project. Or both. The sky's the limit?

I don't have exact plans for any of those. Apply for everything, eat less, exercise and dance more.

For today, I'll drink a lot more water and that's it.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up to an alarm. I'll go to the gym. I'll drink a protein smoothie and head to a coffee shop, where I'll apply to jobs and internships.

And, of course, I'll catch up with your lovely blogs.

Until then, beauties.
Stay strong.

<3
--The Dancer

I'm going to be so fucking thin.

That's all that's left, right?

Weight loss and vodka.

I'm back, my skinny bitches.

I will be glamorous, I will be beautiful, and I will be okay.

You can bet your life on it.

(I am.)

yonce

K and I broke up today.
It sucks.
It really fucking sucks.
(1 year, 3 months, 1 week.)
But it makes sense: we both have some serious issues (hell, we first bonded because we both had ED issues, self-harm issues, and in the past two years have both experienced depression and suicidal ideation), and we said that we only ever wanted to stay in this relationship as long as we managed to keep it healthy for both of us.
...which I thought it was.
She called me on Sunday (we're semi-long-distance as she's still in school about 40 miles away from the city I'm living in) and we talked for an hour and a half about our future, and how it doesn't seem like we'd end up in the same place, how we don't really want the same things from life, etc.etc. And how she was thinking maybe we should break up.
Well. I couldn't let that long of a relationship go in a single phone call, so I asked if we could just try to talk it out and have another phone call this week to decide. She said yes. I thought about it. I thought about how much I love her and how life plans and goals and geographic location can change and how much more secure I felt just knowing we were together, even if we weren't physically together, and how much we've been through, and how good we can be together.
I guess she didn't think about those things, because we talked again today and there I was, ready to fight for us, and there she was, mind made up.
"I need to figure out what I want in life, and I think that some of the patterns that I fall into with you aren't good for me right now."
So that's it.


On the other hand, I have a fellowship application due today, an awesome new part-time job, a second job on the horizon, and now I can use this as fuel to become strong and lean and badass.

...Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh...

Starving Shape

Man, I had forgotten how much restricting (even in the loose sense of what I'm doing) HURTS.
Hunger pangs aside, my body takes so much longer to recover from exercise, and I just always ache with a combination of muscle soreness (fine) and fatigue (not so good). My back hurts like a bitch and is tightening up like it always does when I go down this rabbit hole.
What astonishes me most is how QUICKLY it happened. A couple days of b/p, two days of semi-restriction, and BAM, there it is on the third day. My body used to be more accustomed to this, I guess. It used to know how to juggle rehearsals and technique classes and workouts on not so much food. I'm not in "starving shape" anymore.

Today was so-so. Class this morning was good but utterly exhausting, so I ended up not lifting afterwards.
Breakfast before class: oats with soy milk and cherries (300 cal)
Right after class: smoothie with spinach, cherries, and soy milk (117). Lower cal without the pear, but not so tasty. I was still shaky when I got home, though, so the combination of protein and good carbs was helpful.
Showered, then made a stir-fry with tons of vegetables, a TON (300 cal/36 g protein worth) of tofu because my muscles felt SO weak in class, then a little soy milk, 2 tbsp peanut butter, and hot curry seasoning (650 cal/51 g protein altogether). Delicious and a lot of food, but I was still hungry afterwards. Silly body.
Had work (cashiering at a huge café chain in the US), where I was on my feet for 7 hours straight. Consumed lots of tea. I was SUPPOSED to come home to half a tomato and a cup of artichoke hearts tonight, but I had to go and eat a quarter of a sprouted grain bagel (60) at work, so I lost my right to my at-home treat. Alas.

Today's total, then, is 1127.

A little nervous about tomorrow. I want to take a two-hour dance class in the morning, but I'd have to go straight from that to my internship, then straight from that to work for another 7 hour shift. Oatmeal beforehand, and something travel-able to eat the office after class (probably beans/tofu/vegetable), but I'm scared that after work I'll come home and binge like crazy because I'll be exhausted and hungry.
...but if I eat more things, I'm scared I'm also going to unleash the floodgates on a binge. No winning.

Well, we'll see.
<3
--The Dancer

Good Friends and Good Wine

Awwww, you guyyyyyysssss. <3 <3 <3
Sam and Bella, it makes me so happy that you comment so regularly. I love it.
Also, you both are so awesome.
Sam, you're always hilarious and so supportive and fantastic.
Bella, you're always incredibly uplifting in your comments (also, I'm insanely jealous of your sewing skills. You are truly talented).
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

(I might be a little drunk.
Shhhhh.)

So today didn't go QUITE as planned. Woke up early, had my coffee, was super pumped and ready to get my cardio on... and the electronic lock to the gym in my apartment was seriously on the fritz. Beeping/flashing CONSTANTLY, key wouldn't work, so finally I had to give up. Did a teeny tiny bit of upper body work in my apartment instead, but no cardio or real weights for me today.
(On that note: Sam, I have a heart rate monitor (with a chest strap and a watch), but I cannot for the life of me find the strap part right now. I'm too stubborn/cheap to buy another one, because I KNOW it's somewhere, but... yeah. So I average the machine's number and MFP's number and subtract 10% and then consider that a "high estimate.")

Food log today!
Breakfast (mostly sipped between 6:30 and 9:30 am): coffee with soy milk (50 cal), a MASSIVE smoothie with a pear, cherries, spinach, and a splash of soy milk (more cherries and spinach than yesterday, so higher count: 256 this time). Had most of the smoothie before I left the apartment, but a bit of it was left for lunch.
Had my internship from 10-2 (and didn't eat ANY of the snacks there. I win.)
Lunch (2:30ish): the rest of the smoothie plus stir-fried (no oil) broccoli, Costco's "frozen stir fry vegetables," and spinach (154).
Second lunch (3:30?): a homemade bean burger (154) and 20 pistachios (80).
Dinner: estimated 1 cup of pasta primavera (223, according to MFP) and high estimate of 12.5 oz of wine (but I think it was less, still, gonna say 305 cal, again from MFP), plus two Tostitos (39) an 2 tbsp of homemade guac (46).
Total was 1,307 with no real exercise (though I did walk a total of like 3 miles in sub-zero temperatures (fahrenheit... so below -17 Celsius)). I dunno. Weighed myself when I got home and, even full of pasta, I was the same as I was this morning, so that's cool. Wasn't dehydrated, either, so maybe tomorrow's number will be good to me.

Numbers aside, today was a really good day. I asked two of my professors from last year if they'd write me reference letters for a really cool fellowship program (and they both said yes!), being at the office today was a lot of fun (and I always feel super supported there, I love the people I work with), and I had a nice dinner with my roommate from last year. She sort of bugged me by the end of the year, but seeing her again was really really lovely. She's great in smaller doses, so tonight was a lot of fun. It was a night of good friends, good wine, and good behavior around food! I ate slowly, left pasta on my plate, ate two chips with her homemade guac to be nice but didn't go crazy with them (even though it was delicious), and I'm going to bed hungry!

The plan for tomorrow is oatmeal before a 90-minute dance class, a little lifting (if the stupid fucking lock is fixed), a smoothie and protein-ful salad, then a 7-hour work shift on my feet. Can't wait!

<3
--The Dancer

Welcome to 2015

No-counting didn't work.
Partially holidays/family in town, partially... I dunno... a total lack of self control?
I'm not sure. It wasn't good. I felt awful all the time and wasn't making good food choices.

Working on changing that.

Food log for today!
Breakfast: coffee with soy milk (50 cal for two cups), smoothie made with spinach, cherries, a pear, and a splash of soy milk (185)
Snack: an orange (65)
Lunch: homemade bean burger on a sandwich thin with hummus plus a salad of spinach, red pepper, tomato, and artichokes (284 for the burger+bun, 75 for the salad)
Workout! 10 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes treadmill (a mile and change), 20 minutes weightlifting, 10 minutes elliptical, 15 minutes stretching. MFP low estimate says 257.
Post-workout: silken tofu blended with half a packet of hot chocolate and refrigerated to make this lovely high-protein chocolate mousse (150)
Dinner: a ton of oven-roasted broccoli, another bean burger with hummus (no bun this time), and a couple artichoke quarters (309)

So that's 1,118-257=861 net right now. I don't really believe that I burned that much at the gym, though. I dunno. I also have to go to this thing for work where they're going to make us try new foods that we're offering. Hopefully a max of like two things will be vegan, so I'll probably net like 900-1000 today. Not bad.

A little worried about tomorrow. Going over to a college friend's house for dinner because I haven't seen her in forever. It'll be nice, but she said she's making a twist on pasta primavera which is... y'know... pasta. So that's not great. I said I'd bring wine, too. (Well, I said either wine or dessert.)
My thought at the moment is to do a huge cardio blast after I lift weights at the gym in the morning, burn like 500 calories or whatever, then have a protein-y smoothie and a salad throughout the day so I don't go crazy on the carbs in the evening.
In exactly one week I'll be in NYC for auditions. I'd like to drop 5 pounds between now and then, and I think I can do it.

Stay strong, babes.
<3
--The Dancer