I stand before you at 134 pounds and pretty happy with myself, my body, and my weight.
Ballet still makes me panic, and thinking about auditioning for professional companies still makes me panic and want to starve or b/p.
But for the most part, I'm okay with myself. I have a little bit of visible ab muscle, my legs are large but muscular and I'm closer to a thigh gap than I've ever been in my life, and my upper body is approaching something that could be called strong.
But I'm afraid of leaving this mindset. I'm afraid that, as soon as I try to step into the professional dance world, I'm going to panic and hardcore relapse.
My first big audition is in seven weeks.
I think that, maybe, if I'm a healthy 125 pounds by then, I won't panic. I won't freak out.
So I have 7 weeks to lose 9 pounds.
That's about 1.3 pounds a week, or an average deficit of 650 calories/day. I'll aim for a daily deficit of 700 calories, just to be safe. I calculated my BMR to be 2235, so a 700 calorie deficit would be eating 1535/day.
(I know that number probably seems unimaginable to most of you girls.)
(But it's the "healthy" way of doing things.)
Of course, that's not a 1535-calorie free-for-all.
That's clean eating only. Nothing packaged, nothing sugary. A goal of 90-100 grams of protein every day.
That's every bite recorded, no exceptions.
That's 100 oz of water every day, no excuses.
That's six hours of technique class and ten to fourteen hours of rehearsal every week.
After my thesis is due (final draft this Friday), that's the gym every day to either lift or run/elliptical.
That's finally privileging my body and its needs so that it works for me.
That is going to make me great.
(It's not quite "health" but it's close enough.)
Love and coffee.