Silly boy, no.
This isn't worse.
This is what it looks like when you take away my ability to binge and purge.
It's not that b/p is a "good" coping mechanism, by any means, but it's a very effective one.
Lovely, caring boy, no, I'm not getting worse.
This is what it looks like to get better.
If you look at my behaviors, things are Better: I've been lifting weights and taking dance class or being in rehearsals five or six days a week since the end of December. I've been eating 1600, 1800, 2000 calories a day, only binging twice a week, maybe, only purging twice in all of 2017 so far, my weight is down consistently to the 133s and 134s and holding steady. I can bench press 85 pounds for four reps. I can deadlift 140 pounds for four reps. Neither of these are particularly impressive, but for only a month's progress, I'll take it.
I WANT that. This is one of the days where I want a strong, healthy body. I want to go rock climbing again, to scale a wall like an action hero, to get my bench press up to body weight, to figure out how to afford a gym and learn to squat properly with a bar. I want to compete in powerlifting, make more dance pieces, perform more, have abs that are functional, not just aesthetic.
I had a job interview yesterday and, if I get it, I'll become (at 24!) the managing director for a dance company that's only three years younger than I am, that has a 100k+ annual budget, that's developing an outreach program and growing its audience annually and maybe starting a school. I'm also currently the managing director for a small theatre company, and I could continue doing that, as well. I'd have power and money--I could juggle managing both (no, really, both are part-time) with performing and making and being a badass. I could save money and take my lovely boy on a vacation and dye my hair regularly and be happy.
Today I want this.
Today I do.
Yesterday, Thursday, Wednesday... I just wanted to be dead.
That roller coaster is taking its toll. A little on me (but frankly I'm used to it), a lot on the boy. So I think I'm coming back here, at least for a bit, because oh fuck do I need a place to spew these thoughts.
So far today I've taken a 90-minute dance class and done about an hour of work for the theatre company. I have another couple hours to do (marketing! video editing!) and am hitting the gym for a running-and-weightlifting session this evening (or afternoon). I bought a pint of vegan ice cream and am going to have some atop a chocolate brownie larabar this evening because food has become scary lately and FUCK THAT. I'm going to reread Intuitive Eating because things in my brain are loud and ugh.
I feel less lost than I did, but I haven't quite found my way yet. I suppose no one has, really.