Saturday, February 4, 2017

"I think you're getting worse."

Silly boy, no.
This isn't worse.
This is what it looks like when you take away my ability to binge and purge.
It's not that b/p is a "good" coping mechanism, by any means, but it's a very effective one.

Lovely, caring boy, no, I'm not getting worse.
This is what it looks like to get better.

~~~

If you look at my behaviors, things are Better: I've been lifting weights and taking dance class or being in rehearsals five or six days a week since the end of December. I've been eating 1600, 1800, 2000 calories a day, only binging twice a week, maybe, only purging twice in all of 2017 so far, my weight is down consistently to the 133s and 134s and holding steady. I can bench press 85 pounds for four reps. I can deadlift 140 pounds for four reps. Neither of these are particularly impressive, but for only a month's progress, I'll take it.

I WANT that. This is one of the days where I want a strong, healthy body. I want to go rock climbing again, to scale a wall like an action hero, to get my bench press up to body weight, to figure out how to afford a gym and learn to squat properly with a bar. I want to compete in powerlifting, make more dance pieces, perform more, have abs that are functional, not just aesthetic.

I had a job interview yesterday and, if I get it, I'll become (at 24!) the managing director for a dance company that's only three years younger than I am, that has a 100k+ annual budget, that's developing an outreach program and growing its audience annually and maybe starting a school. I'm also currently the managing director for a small theatre company, and I could continue doing that, as well. I'd have power and money--I could juggle managing both (no, really, both are part-time) with performing and making and being a badass. I could save money and take my lovely boy on a vacation and dye my hair regularly and be happy.

Today I want this.
Today I do.
Yesterday, Thursday, Wednesday... I just wanted to be dead.

That roller coaster is taking its toll. A little on me (but frankly I'm used to it), a lot on the boy. So I think I'm coming back here, at least for a bit, because oh fuck do I need a place to spew these thoughts.

So far today I've taken a 90-minute dance class and done about an hour of work for the theatre company. I have another couple hours to do (marketing! video editing!) and am hitting the gym for a running-and-weightlifting session this evening (or afternoon). I bought a pint of vegan ice cream and am going to have some atop a chocolate brownie larabar this evening because food has become scary lately and FUCK THAT.  I'm going to reread Intuitive Eating because things in my brain are loud and ugh.

I feel less lost than I did, but I haven't quite found my way yet. I suppose no one has, really.

Love, always,
<3
--The Dancer

3 comments:

  1. firstly, i am very proud of you. i'm glad that you are doing this. i am so glad. it is so hard but so worth it. secondly, 140lbs for deadlifts and 85lbs for bench presses? you're kidding. my sad barbell can barely take on 2,5kg each for biceps and after that, i collapse and cry.

    "I want to compete in powerlifting, make more dance pieces, perform more, have abs that are functional, not just aesthetic." if there's anyone that can do it, it would be you.

    "I'll become (at 24!) the managing director for a dance company that's only three years younger than I am." oh wow. that is... congratulations. you are so driven and successful. i am so amazed. you work hard and you deserve it.

    "I'm also currently the managing director for a small theatre company, and I could continue doing that, as well." again, wowowowowow. i am consistently impressed by you. you're impossible. you work all the time, and you do what you do so well. and you are so young yet so accomplished. i don't think i know anyone that is as accomplished as you at your young age.

    and the boy will have to deal with it. cause you are worth the recovery. you are worth the chance. you are worth better. there will be days like you said, where you wish that you were anywhere but here. but there will be days like these too.

    you can do anything. you can achieve anything. honestly, knowing you, you'll probably achieve /everything/. you're amazingly dedicated.

    busy, active day as usual, huh? i cannot believe how much you can do. i cannot even imagine.

    "I bought a pint of vegan ice cream and am going to have some atop a chocolate brownie larabar this evening because food has become scary lately and FUCK THAT." that's my gal!

    it'll take some time, but i think if there's anyone that can find their way, it'll be you. me too, but it'll take forever. and that's okay if it does.

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  2. comment reply (to both your comments):

    me? being the impressive badass? have you looked at yourself in the mirror?

    as for squishy-fixing, it'll prob take some time for me. though it's nice to know my mum is actually putting it into her head. i do still want to lose. that, or i'm coming to terms with the fact that i might just stop trying to lose. i'm not sure yet.

    and i also think that this dancer over there, i.e. you, probably doesn't need squishy fixing.

    i majorly need squishy fixing, but i wonder if it'll reduce my measurements. if it does, i might just bloody stop this weight loss thing. i only want to lose 1-2 inches off my hips and like 1 off my stomach then i'm golden with the rest of everything. my thighs are huge but the skin thing might actually help. i'm not sure. i'll look this up more...

    maybe i'll give that a try.

    i hope that you find the skills that you need to help you.

    i love you loads, and i'm with you every step of the way.



    -Sam Lupin

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  3. I know I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you're feeling a bit better than you were when you made the last couple of posts. If you ever want to talk or vent or just chat, my email's: too-much-not-enough@hotmail.com

    <3
    xx

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