Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Never gone, just ashamed.

Forgive me ana, for I have sinned. It has been one month since my last confession.

(I feel pretty questionable about the pro-ana personification/deification of anorexia, but I couldn't get that line out of me head.)

This is my 100th post.
I wanted Post 100 to be something special. Magical. Accomplished. A landmark of sorts.
I wanted to be under 130.
Yet here I stand, 137.4 after a sort of binge-y day yesterday. I binged on protein bars. Who does that? (At least I'll be strong?)

I'm so busy these days, and it's so easy for me to say oh, I have three or four or eight hours of dance today, I need to eat everything in sight. It's so easy to say oh, I only got five hours of sleep again, I need to eat to get through the day.  It so easy to say oh, no, I really need to do this work, I don't have time to go to the gym.

Where have I wound up with that kind of thinking? At 137.4.
(I hope it's really lower. I had a pretty intense rehearsal yesterday, and I'm so, so sore. I hope my muscles are holding on to lots of water. I hope I still have food weight in me. I hope I'm not REALLY above 136 yet again.)

Midwinter Ball is in 18 days. I want to be 125 for it. 12.4 pounds in 18 days? .7 pounds a day.
I can do that.
I need to do that. K and I are still dating--a little over three months. And she's so GOOD at starving. At being tiny. Her stomach's flat, and when she lies down her ribs and hips are higher than her stomach. I have ribs always and hipbones when I lie down, too, but I also have this stupid little pooch of stomach still. I don't deserve her. I need to deserve her. I need to be 125.

Today I have ballet, modern, and a two-hour rehearsal. The piece we're rehearsing, at least in its current existence, is more walking than anything really strenuous. I think I can get away with not eating. I'll bring a couple of oranges just in case, but I don't think I'll need them.

Here's to being better.
--The Dancer


  1. I binge on protein bars. They're good for you, right? It has become so bad I've had to give them all to my boyfriend who then hides them from me, as if I were a four-year-old.

  2. i'm cool with the term "ana"
    however, seening wanas use them make me laugh.
    however, i am just about as ana as a dog that looks at everything you eat and begs for your scrap. :P
    ah. 137.4 isn't so bad. (at least it's not back into the -gasp- 140s!)
    you're bloody crazy. .7lbs a day. i want to lose .7lbs a week! xD then again, i don't have high hopes for my weight. my only hope is that it doesn't stay the same for more than 5 days. :P
    fuck. K is one of THOSE. K is my S. fuck. fuck. fuck.
    i have a 25 inch waist and i still look fat. in fact, most people consider me "average". that's funny, isn't it? to be able to wear a size UK 6-8 and still be considered "average". oi!!!! that's like completely unfair. damned hips will be the fucking death out of me.
    you're insane.
    oranges x for life???

    -Sam Lupin
    PS. speaking of protein bars, who eats 550g of Nutella? that's a little over this jar and a bit more. THIS JAR IS MY TUMMY.

  3. I've always wanted milestone posts to be about something important, though they just pass by like any other. Good luck with your goals, I'm sure you'll get to 130 soon. Make sure you keep enough fuel going in with all the dance you're doing, wouldn't want you to pass out! Good idea to take some fruit with you. Better safe than sorry.