I didn't want the most recent post on this blog to be that last one.
Yesterday was... interesting. Spent more or less the whole day curled up in bed, alternating shaking/sobbing and watching Netflix to distract myself. I'd like to not repeat that, but I feel like somehow my grasp on wanting to live is suddenly very, very tenuous.
I'm making large woven thread bracelets for both of my wrists so that they stop itching for sensation.
Ate last night.
Ate a LOT last night.
137.5 this morning. I don't have the energy to be disgusted at that number, I just need to change it, and fast. Hoping to drop half a pound a day so I can get down to 130.5 when I head back to school.
If every day were like today, I'd be able to do even better.
(I say that now. It's only 7 pm. A binge is still possible.)
Breakfast was coffee with sweetener and vanilla extract.
Two hour gym session (3 mile run, weights machines, 45 minutes elliptical, 20 minute abs/stretching) for a 700-750 calorie burn.
Shower, internet, then dinner: tofu and veggie stir-fry (cooked in olive oil [was cooking for parents, too, so this had to happen] with soy sauce, lemon juice, and garlic) with a little (about 1/2 cup) wild rice my dad had already made. Intake for the day is about 300 calories, which is leaving me with a 400-450 calorie deficit.
Ideally I won't eat again this evening.
(I say that every evening.)
The plan for tomorrow is to be up earlyish and have a breakfast of oatmeal and coffee with sweetener (who knew there were 12 calories in a teaspoon of vanilla extract? Not making THAT mistake again.), then hit the gym for a as-long-as-you-can-last run (hoping for at least 4 miles, hence breakfast beforehand), some lower body work, more elliptical, and a nice long stretch.
OKAY HOLD EVERYTHING
I just got a dress that I ordered. It's long, Old Hollywood style emerald green velvet.
And I just tried it on, and it is sexy as fuck. It's also super, super clingy (but somehow forgiving of "curves"), so I know I need to work on my stomach.
But other than that... damn.
I'm wearing it on February 8th for my school's Midwinter Ball.
I want popping collar bones, toned arms, and a flat stomach. The dress already looks lovely, but these things will make it even better.
(And cheekbones. Toying with the idea of a black birdcage veil with it, which would really only look right with cheekbones.)
...I'm sorry. That was such a tangent. You just have no idea how excited I am for this dress. It was sold out FOREVER and I got the last one in my size when it came back. (On sale, too. BAM.)
Where was I?
Oh, yes. No more food tonight (or fruit. maybe some fruit), long run tomorrow, lots of protein.
Basically: today has been better.
Like, so much better. I'm not sure how long the "better" will last before the "awful" comes back, but oh well. Just going to try to stay busy and make it to the gym every day to help out with keeping the "better" here.
I love you all and hope you're having wonderful days.