Wednesday, September 2, 2015


I think that date is backwards for all of you non-Americans, aka all of my normal readers.
I've have a friend who went abroad when she had just turned 18... let's say her birthday was February 8th and she went in May. So her passports and such read 2-8-91 (or whatever year), which everyone in Europe read as August 2nd. She told me a story about how she had a lot of trouble getting in somewhere until finally she and the bouncer both realized, "oh, fuck, you're American, we're totally reading your birthday backwards. Sorrrrryyyyyy."

My birthday is October 10th. 10/10. It's always tickled me more than it should that I never have to worry about which comes first.

Nothing important there, I just think about it when I write dates and it amuses me.


Last night was good until I tried to go to sleep, and then it was awful. But that seems to be normal now. So. Oh well.

Down .8 this morning, and I don't THINK much of that is dehydration, because I had an honestly absurd amount of water after the purging. So. Yay.
Took measurements again this morning, too. (Yesterday I took them after purging... silly goose, that's not how that works.) They're less dire than they were, but still not great. But I'll take them.

Woke up about two minutes before my alarm. Coffee with soy milk (50), gym. 45 minute elliptical, then some bodyweight stuff (push-ups, dead hangs, abs). Machine says 450 burned. Let's call it 360. Protein shake (strawberries, spinach, soy milk, water, protein powder: 158, 18.5 g protein). Some stir-fried kale and red bell pepper (205) that I had like half of. Rest will be dinner, I guess. Allowing for some more black coffee, I'm 417 cal and 31 g protein today, minus 360 from the gym.

I'm out of tofu. Maybe I'll pop into the store and buy some to get a little more protein/"safe" calories in my day.
Maybe not. I've grown fearful of keeping food in the house. Binges abound, even when you'd think there's nothing I could binge on. Invention from necessity, y'know?


Ask for new projects and you shall receive.
Well. New audition. As much as this city has great modern dance and lots of opportunities for independent artists, almost NOTHING runs by auditions, which means it's hell to try to break into.
But I have an audition scheduled for the 19th. 17 days. It's for more a commercial gig than I'm really interested in career-wise, but hey, paid performance and the opportunity to tour, right? 
But also it's more a commercial gig, quick (one minute of choreography) style audition, so appearance matters. 
Hello, motivation.

But just the fact that the audition exists is calming. I've been here fourteen months and there have been maybe ten auditions in that time? And some of them I've travelled for... NYC and LA. So homegrown opportunities (that are open to everyone) are far enough apart that there's always the panic of "well what if the next one isn't until next year?" But this exists, and I will go, and I have ideas for new projects of my own, and and and.
It'll be okay.


It's just now noon and I'm at a coffee shop. I should be applying for some internships and some jobs, and really hardcore working on the fellowship project, but I'm reading blogs and writing blogs and working on my novel (how cliche!)
Ah, well.
I'm out of the house and drinking coffee with sweetener and cinnamon. It's good.


"Derealization or derealisation (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring and depth.[1] It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions, such as psychiatric and neurological disorders, and not a standalone disorder.
Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside world, while depersonalization is unreality in one's sense of self. Although most authors currently regard derealization (surroundings) and depersonalization (self) as independent constructs, many do not want to separate derealization from depersonalization.[2] The main reason for this is nosological, because these symptoms often co-occur, but there is another, more philosophical reason: the idea that the phenomenological experience of self, others, and world is one continuous whole. Thus, feelings of unreality may blend in and the person may puzzle over deciding whether it is the self or the world that feels unreal to them."


  1. Yes. That would be the 9th of February. I really don't understand how it makes sense to write MM/DD/YY instead of DD/MM/YY.
    Love the story about your friend going to Europe! I never have to worry either, unless the years have increased substantially in length - I'm April 30.

    Good luck with the audition! I'm glad to hear there's something coming up on the horizon. I know it was stressing you from your last post (and congratulations on the fellowship, my dear!). It will be okay.

    It's good to see you back :)

  2. ^she's right. it would be the 9th of February to me too.

    i think i'd have shat myself if i suddenly saw 12/31/2015. i literally think that it was a typo. i didn't even notice that was the way you Americans do dates.

    reading your birthday backwards, ha! love that story.

    aye. here's a tip: i'm at the beginning of April (dear God, April Fools' day. just like Fred and George) and Bella's at the end of April. isn't that cute and uncanny?

    oh wait. i just remembered - you're the vegan that eats more protein than me.. i eat thousands of cals, and i can't make it past a few grams of protein.

    good luck with the audition, you cute little thing, you!

    babe, it's okay not to do everything all at once. just saying.

    -Sam Lupin