I don't let myself think about these things when I'm sober.
They're too scary.
They involve want.
And want leads to hurt. I've learned that over and over.
But godfucking motherfucking earthfucking dammit, I'm going to do it.
I am going to achieve every single thing that I want.
I am going to be an absurdly sexy size two.
I am going to land another gig as a professional dancer.
I'm going to re-dye my hair and only wear things that make me feel fantastic and be That Person that turns heads and is so completely themselves and so completely fabulous that there's no question when you look at them. They just KNOW. They know who they are, what they want, and where they're going.
I'm going to fucking be that person.
This comes out of a couple of things.
Out of watching videos of myself dancing in college. We had a few different dance organizations: some pre-professional, working with faculty and guest artists. Some semi-professional, working with students who wanted to experiment with movement and investigate and make something interesting. And, of course, some just for fun: fun and sex and pop music and I fucking OWNED every single performance in every single group.
Because I had people telling me I was awesome. Because I had K telling me I was awesome. Because I had choreographers who begged me to be in their pieces.
I felt like fucking dance royalty.
Or, even without the dance, because all of campus came to at least one show a year. Everyone knew who I was. I felt like fucking royalty.
So I will be royalty outside of school, too. Out in this real world.
I will be fantastic. I will be enviable. I will act like a choreographer is lucky that I've even considering their piece, because they ARE lucky, goddammit.
That amount of sass and snoot isn't me, not really, But damn it feels good to pretend.
And fake it 'til you make it, right?