Friday, September 4, 2015

Friday Night, Let's Have a Go at Normal

I didn't gain weight this morning.
I lost only .2 yesterday, then tried to binge to hurt myself, but all I had to binge on was vegetables and a couple handfuls of nuts and today I woke up not having gained at all and actually feeling a bit leaner than yesterday.

If I can maintain into tomorrow, as well...
but that's probably asking way too much.

Having a girl's night in with some friends from undergrad. Take-out (Chinese or schawarma) and many bottles of wine. I said I'd bring dessert.

Won't eat until then, of course. Coffee all day, hopefully a quick workout.
I'm debating between this lovely chocolate mousse (silken tofu, dark chocolate, sugar/sweetener, and berries) which would be relatively safe, and making something much more sinful. I'd leave leftovers at their place, of course, so this is my chance to make something absolutely delectable and only have one go at it.
We'll see.


I found an old note from K today.
Just... empty. Empty from it.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
Old things that don't matter, that don't count, that aren't true anymore.
Old things that I want to let go of, that I want to forget, that I want to not matter.
"It is better to have loved and lost" etc.etc.


On nights when I sleep at all, I sleep with a pillow clutched to my chest.
It is you, of course: it is the memory of your body, warm, your ribcage tucked under my arm so I could carry you like a package. Like something fragile, like something mine.
I thought that I was guarding you.
Your hair tickled my nose. I inhaled you, love. I literally breathed you.
And that is not a misuse of the word literally: you always liked that phrase, “and that is not a misuse of the word literally,” so I added it to my vocabulary, piled it atop the already mountainous heap of words we shared, a language we crafted together that ended up so far away from where it began that like everything else it had to collapse eventually.
That much distance is hell on a body.

I bought this bed with you in mind.
Your ghost still has the outer half.
It is yours.
It will always be yours.
This piece of my bed, of my apartment, that I do not own.
My apartment is already small, love. You’re taking up so much, and I am letting you have it.

Won’t you please come back and claim it?
I’ll trade you for it.
You take back the bed and I’ll take back that night we told secrets. That night we asked questions and told numbers and ruined it all.
“You are more important.”
“You are more important.”
“You are more important.”
“You are more important.”

1 comment:

  1. Argh, that's beautiful. Even objectively that makes my heart hurt. I just want to reach out and hug you :(

    I hope you have a good night. It sounds like a good recipe for taking your mind off things. I'd say make something a little different and more sinful. You can make mousse any day - this just screams 'opportunity'.