Thursday, September 10, 2015

Cautious Optimism

Food's been a bit out of control, but not in a bad way?
I've been constantly hungry and eating too much, but I think the naughtiest thing I've had in the past four days would be a mix of dark chocolate chips, almonds, and walnuts. All of the vegetables.
I weighed myself this morning and I haven't gained since the last weigh-in last week, so that's nice.
My skin looks a lot better, too. Not "good," because I'm pretty sure I will literally never have "good skin," but SO MUCH BETTER.
I feel better, too. I mean, I'm still hungry all the time and, oh hey, it's 3 am here and I'm not sleeping, but just day-to-day is better.

Let's see.
Sunday and Monday I didn't workout at all. Holiday weekend. Got food back on track in a big way, though. Cleaned a bit.
Tuesday I had work. Was going to take class in the morning (I work for a dance company; a HUGE perk is free class whenever I want, including during the workday), but had to train in a new volunteer instead. Alas. Still took two classes after the workday; 3 hours of dance.
Wednesday (yesterday) I didn't work; hit the gym in the morning for some cardio/weights/stretching, then two more dance classes in the evening (2.5 hours of dance+an hour-ish at the gym). Didn't do anything of note in-between.
Thursday (today) I work, and I'll hopefully be able to take class in the evening, but we're having issues with our volunteer coordinator not doing her job (see: me unexpectedly having to train a volunteer on Tuesday), so I might have to work during the class. I might take a morning class instead if I can get my shit together/get work done quickly enough beforehand. Today's also the farmer's market, so that's lovely. Lots and lots of fresh produce that's so much less expensive than at the grocery store, AND it's on the street that I work on, so I quite literally cannot miss it walking to/from work.

So food has been good, and exercise/dance has been good.
Another audition was announced, as well. So I have an audition on the 19th and another on the 27th. The 19th is the super commercial-style audition, but the 27th is actually for a pretty cool company.
Also attending a theatre awards ceremony with my old college roommate on the 21st, so that's a potential networking opportunity.
So those are my reasons to lose weight, but they're also reasons to do so in a way that keeps me strong.

My to-do list is still too long, though: fellowship stuff, mostly, that I've been ignoring because it's so huge that even beginning is daunting. Also cleaning: again, see "so huge that even beginning is daunting." And I have a new piece that I want to start working on, just to make something. Maybe my goal for today will be to ask a few dancers I'd like to work with if they'd be interested.

I dunno.
I'm cautiously optimistic about my future/about life in general. I often feel lazy--like I should have a full-time job, or at least work more than I do, that I should do X and Y and Z and then I have weeks like this where I remember that, hey, I'm a freelance dancer. Taking class and going to the gym IS part of my job. It's not indulgent or lazy, it's my career.
That sounds like a silly thing to not always have in mind, I guess. But watching those I graduated with having full-time jobs in their fields, and fielding questions from my parents about when I'm going to grad school, because as far as they're concerned this is a "break" for me, and knowing that I'm not able to fully support myself just by performing, sometimes it's hard to take it seriously as a career.
I've always been a bit Type-A, I guess. I went to a performing arts high school AND danced outside of school AND played a sport AND founded/ran the Model UN team AND was National Honor Society vice-president AND was on/captained the Academic Olympiad team. In college, I double majored in VERY unrelated things at one of the top ten liberal arts schools in the US (rankings just came out! Still up there!) AND taught at a dance studio AND founded a dance company AND set work outside of classes AND debated AND did Model UN (well... those last two I gave up after sophomore year). So post-grad life, in which I'm definitely doing things but not doing Everything All The Time, just feels like I'm not living up to my potential. Like I'm a disappointment. Like I'm a failure.

But it's okay. I'll figure it out. I'll dance more and nail these auditions and be brilliant with this fellowship and follow through on making this new work, and it will be okay.

Cautious optimism.

Stay strong.
--The Dancer


  1. Wow, you do dance class a lot, that's incredible! Keep being cautiously optimistic, things will turn out for the best! X

  2. dark chocolate chips, almonds and walnuts as a mix is not even close to naughty. shoving down enough Oreos that you are in risk of a choking hazard, though, is very much a naughty thing to do.

    aye. if i get my body used to eating more, i'll be hungry all the time. during MM i got hungrier than i usually do eating normally. MM = 2,500+ calories a day. and i still woke up super hungry the next day as if i had a 200 calorie dinner instead of a 1,000 calorie dinner.

    the sound of dance company sounds glamourous. medical student somehow reminds me of that sitcom The Young Ones...

    eh. this was their 'medical student': <--er... i don't look like that. though sometimes, i wish i did.

    i still can't deal with the amount of dancing you do.

    mind you, i do Zumba and call it dance, but i can't really call it anything else. i think once i've done a good 2,5 hours of it as an event (!) and my feet were about to fall off at the end of it so... when you say 3 hours of dance, i just think if i added another half hour to that day. i would've chopped my foot off by then.

    i do have to say i don't think you should lose a pound but i think that way of everyone.

    holy shit. you don't sleep, do you? i mean i know i'm a Type A but you make me sound like a B from how you've written that out. plus, that's not true. you are not a disappointment or a failure. you are very over-achiever-ish, my love.

    everything will be fine. you're a driven and hard-working lass. of course you'll get there.

    i'm still stunned from reading that paragraph though.

    now i feel lazy as hell (chuckling).

    -Sam Lupin