139.6.
After a few days of "normal" (albeit, yes, actually healthy) eating and weight lifting/running combo... and then a binge last night. Didn't purge, because I'm trying not to do that anymore (though, who am I kidding, did it on Friday), so now everything's just sitting in me.
139.6.
I haven't been this high in MONTHS.
Everything disgusts me. My stomach disgusts me. My arms disgust me. My thighs and calves and ankles and chubby knees disgust me. My face disgusts me.
I have a food hangover from all of the sugar and simple carbs.
I'm eight months along with a set of food triplets.
The official word on what you're meant to do after a binge is "self care" and "normal" eating. Yeah. Right. =/
The plan today: as much water and tea as I can stomach (at least 200 fl oz, or 25 cups; my water bottle holds 24 oz (3 cups) and tea mug holds 16 oz (2 cups), so that's five bottles of water and five mugs of tea. I'll let myself have coffee to, uh, move things along after I've downed the first two servings each of water and tea.
No food. No food today, we'll see what the scale says about tomorrow. I'm guessing no food then, either. No food until I'm back in the 133s. My guess is the 137s tomorrow, but if I make it to the gym today, maybe I can burn enough to get into the 136s.
I started reading Ana Regzig's blog again last night after the binge.
In her words,
Starve on.
<3
--The Dancer
first, i'll write a comment on this post and then i will write a reply to your comment on my post (it has become a thing now that i'd write replies back to people's posts on their blogs).
ReplyDelete139.6.
2-3lbs of food weight.
falls off after a good 2-3 days of your normal regimen.
"'My stomach disgusts me. My arms disgust me. My thighs and calves and ankles and chubby knees disgust me. My face disgusts me." *hugs* i am sad that you are disgusted by yourself. that should never be a feeling anyone experiences. let me hug you.
after i eat a lot, there are three things that i do 1) carry on eating a lot more (this is mostly when i used to starve/binge/purge), 2) eat a higher calorie day the next day because i'm just trying to get rid of food weight, or 3) return to normal regimen afterwards.
breathe in. you've ogt this.
speaking of moving things along, i took a lax. yeah. nothing's moved along. i'm afraid of taking anymore because i haven't eaten since...like 1PM (it's 6.21PM). i am feeling sad and not hungry. but i may force myself to eat a bit more because currently, i ate 711 calories (and did an hour of a step aerobics class. bad. bad. bad.)
noooooooooooooo i want my Dancer to eat. my baby
oops.
i never finished Ana Regzig's blog.
i will start re-reading it and finish it this time.
-Sam Lupin
now as for a reply to the post you made on mine:
ReplyDelete"Oh, baby.
I love you."
i love you too.
"I'm proud of you for sharing this."
thank you. i am happy you said this.
"You're going to be okay.
You are."
thank you so much. this makes me smile.
"You're thin. (Haven't I told you how ridiculously fucking jealous I am of your waist measurement? Holy shit, though. Forrealz.)"
i am giggling. this made me grin, of course. but this really made me feel a whole lot better. this whole comment.
"EDs are about so much more than weight, we're all well aware. You had an eating disorder at 200 pounds. You have an eating disorder now. You are allowed to recover. You are allowed to be okay.
<3
-hugs-"
thank you. i am still in recovery. i will not relapse. but i am not as good as i was. i do not see the point in going back to old ways anymore, but at the same time, i cannot imagine eating a lot more than i do now. it's okay. i think i've found a balance just in between both relapse and recovery.
and that's okay.
thank you.
-Sam Lupin
I had a bingey couple of days too :/
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you didn't purge! Good job for resisting! I know that's never easy. hope you have a lovely week hun! xo
25 cups is bloody impressive. I tend to overload on fluids, usually between 20-25 cups a day at the moment. I have this tea mug that holds 750ml/3 cups, it's insane.
ReplyDeleteI love Ana Regzig's blog. I think I've read it at least thirty times over the years (Sam, you must read it!). It's like the internet version of Wasted :P
Take care lovely <3 xx