New Month, New Goals, New Life

Bella and Sam. <3 I can always count on you two.
Even when I'm not posting, you guys cross my mind, and I always hope you're doing well.

Some background, I guess. It's been eight months since I last posted.

That fellowship I applied for? I got it. People are giving me money and resources to make art. Holy shit.

I performed with a real company. I spent ten nights on a stage in front of a paying audience, performing. Making connections. Holy shit.

I choreographed, created a soundscore for, and produced a show in my city's Fringe Festival. People paid to see my work. I have a check from something I made. Holy shit.

These are the good things. These are the things that should make me go "yeah, okay, I've been out of school for fourteen months and that might seem like a really long time but I've been doing some shit. This is good."

But I don't have anything on the horizon. I mean, the fellowship is on-going until March, so I'm still (theoretically) working on that, but no more performances.  The last time someone else wanted me to work with them was when the show closed in May. And I've been depressed; I'm only working part-time at an office job (ostensibly so I have time to make art), and while I LOVE it (it's actually on the admin side of the best dance company in the area, and it means I'm making excellent connections with interesting people who also love dance), the fact that it's part-time means there are days that I don't have to get out of bed for anything.
So I don't.
I don't dance; it's a good week when I make it to two classes. That's not enough.
I don't go to the gym; it's an EXCELLENT week when I go twice, but more often than not I don't go at all. That's not enough.

I go to work and I come home and I binge and don't purge and watch Netflix and think about all of things I SHOULD be doing (like the fellowship work, or taking class), but I don't do any of them because I am a failure.

K and I barely speak anymore. We went from together forever to not-together-but-let's-try-to-be-friends to she's-seeing-someone-else-and-we-send-one-text-every-couple-weeks. She's the only one in my non-computer life who knows about anything, so I've completely lost my support system. It's been really, really rough. I have a couple of friends in the area and a few dancers I work with semi-regularly, but no one I really feel connected to.

(If I died on a Thursday after work, no one would notice until I didn't show up on Monday. Coworkers would probably text/call, but not think much of it until I didn't show up again on Tuesday. My body would sit for five days.)

Sunday and yesterday were hard. I barely ate and I drank a lot. Was decidedly suicidal on Sunday. I cut for the first time in well over a year, and it kind of helped. I read this beautiful poem K had written me when the suicidal-ness first started, and it made everything just so much worse, because none of the words mean anything anymore. I tried to reach out to a couple of online crisis helplines but they just made things worse. I took a couple vicodin and went to sleep.
Yesterday I got home from work and immediately started drinking again, but it was better, somehow. Maybe because I hadn't really eaten in two days so I at least felt like I was making some kind of progress. So I posted here.

Today I had a lot of coffee and then ate a lot and then purged because it's September and every decision I make in September is going to be a thin one, or something.

I don't know. The more I type the more confusing things get.

So here's what I know.
I weigh too much.
I'm too big. I have measurements, pounds and inches, but they're gross, so I won't post them.
I want to be smaller. I also want to be stronger, but right now smaller is more important.

I only have a part-time job, and the lack of a normal, rigorous schedule isn't helping my mental state.
I need more structure.

In 40 days I turn 23. I want to be 1xx pounds and either employed full-time or in the middle of a new project. Or both. The sky's the limit?

I don't have exact plans for any of those. Apply for everything, eat less, exercise and dance more.

For today, I'll drink a lot more water and that's it.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up to an alarm. I'll go to the gym. I'll drink a protein smoothie and head to a coffee shop, where I'll apply to jobs and internships.

And, of course, I'll catch up with your lovely blogs.

Until then, beauties.
Stay strong.

<3
--The Dancer