Friday, December 6, 2013


I'm just tired of seeing 13-. I want 12-.
But I know I'll get there. I can feel it. I look at my body and I'm not totally disgusted. I don't think "everything's awful, this is hopeless, go stuff your face." I think, "This is getting better, and that's getting better, and there's quite a bit that still needs work, but you're getting there, darling." It's a nice change.

I ended up b/p'ing yesterday: vending machine food, flax wraps, a sweet potato, lentils, and broccoli.
On the bright side, I used the remainder of my singles in the vending machine and got rid of the only bread-type substance I bought, which means I have nothing but healthy food from here on out.
I took inventory of all the food I have left. I'm going home in 12 days and don't want to have to bring anything with me, nor do I want to buy any more food.
Made a daily eating plan for the next twelve days. Each day is around 300-400 calories divided into three "meals." If I stick to this, the only food I'll have left over is about half a bag of dried black beans, which will be easy enough to take home and cook there.

Haven't eaten yet today--been up an hour and a half and just drinking tea so far. I'll probably have a clementine soon.
Hoping to make it to the gym today, but I feel like I say that every day. If nothing else, I'm running rehearsal for the studio I teach at for an hour today, so that's a mile walk each way.

I really ought to go have a proper workout, though. Right now when I flex I have a little baby 2-pack and I'd love to coax the rest of those abs out of hiding. I bought this top as a Christmas gift for myself when it was on sale, but of course I need to be tinytinytiny to wear it. But no worries, I have 19 days to get there.

Bella posted a comment on my last entry asking about my relationship with K and how both of us having ED issues works out. It definitely doesn't manifest the way that most people would expect it to. Even if/when we're both very "in" the disordered headspace for ourselves (using behaviors, recovery-is-not-an-option type of place), we don't encourage ED behaviors in each other. I don't know how much she weighs, I don't know what her goal weight or goal intake is, and she doesn't know those things about me, either. We rarely workout together, because she thinks that would be triggering for her. We'll offer support to one another if one of us is upset because we've eaten, or if I'm desperately trying to avoid a b/p session, but we don't encourage restriction at all. Basically: as much as we each want our eating disorder, we don't want the other person to have one.
That's not to say that I don't have a jealous or competitive streak. I can tell when she loses weight (and anyway her ribs and hipbones already stick out so much) and I often feel inadequate next to her, which makes me want to restrict more/exercise more/generally be better, but I try not to use that as motivation, because I know she doesn't want me to, and I don't want to disrespect that.
We became close because we both have eating disorders and have both dealt with self-harm (though my issues with that seem to be in the past), but as much as possible, we try to keep our relationship out of the rabbit hole that is shared mental illness.
Sometimes I wish we could restrict or fast together or encourage each other to lose weight (or, well, I don't want to do that to her, but I'd love for her to push me that way), but that's what I have you lovelies for. <3

Apologies for the extra-long rambling about K. Hope some if it made sense, at least!
Until next time,
Stay strong, darlings.
--The Dancer

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for explaining a little :) Kind of like a don't ask, don't tell set up. You ladies are stronger than I could ever be. It totally makes sense that you'd bond over these issues, but at the same time try not to let them impact your relationship.
    I like your plan to get rid of all the food before you go away. Maybe you could buy small amounts of things as you need them, if you need them, just enough to not have leftovers.
    That top is gorgeous! I love it. I'm sure you'll look fantastic in it

    Take care hun. Have a lovely weekend xx