Friday, December 20, 2013

Ugh I should have just fucking b/p'd when my parents were out of the house earlier but I talked myself down from it then.
Now I'm just pissed and frustrated and want to scream and punch things and b/p an entire kitchen's worth of food.
I can't even just binge and take laxatives because today is a fasting day.
Haha, that's right.
My dad decided to try Intermittent Fasting and I saw it as an opportunity to not eat a few days a week without having to hide that fact so I said I'd do it with him, and today is a fasting day.

I hate being here.
Less than 24 hours after getting home I started cutting again and fantasizing about dying. (Not suicidal. Not really.)
I'm twenty-fucking-one years old and just reaching the rebellious teenage I-hate-you phase of my relationship with my parents.

I don't want to talk about how fat I am.
I don't want to talk about how much I've eaten recently.
I don't want to talk about how I'm too lazy to go exercise today and about how I'm just really fucking hungry.
I don't want to do my thesis.
I don't want to read blogs or books or watch Netflix.
I just want to die. My wrists itch where I would slice them to do it. That kind of itch that won't go away--like when you step on a crack with one foot, and the other foot gets an itch that tells you you need to step on a crack with it?
The kind of itch that needs a sensation. That tells you you need to do something to it.

...so maybe a little suicidal. That was quick.

Fucking hell. 48 hours down, 354 to go.

1 comment:

  1. This is worrying to read :-/ I'm sorry being home is causing such stress for you. Is there anyone you can go visit to get out of the house for a while, or even just go get a cup of coffee?

    Intermittent fasting? Oh god. I struggle to see how anyone can truly see that as a healthy, non-disordered diet. Same goes for the HCG diet ('cause normal people always diet on 500 calories or fasting every second day...).

    xx

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