Disclaimer: I am drunk.
I had a very brief but very powerful conversation with K. She was talking about how she misses the circus and misses the body she had, how she misses absolutely knowing that she could land a hard trick, and how much she was capable of.
It really resonated with me. I miss being able to trust my body. To trust that it would do whatever I asked of it. I miss being strong.
Purging doesn't just take away my fat. It also takes away my muscle. I might see the scale go down 2 pounds every day I purge everything that I eat, but I hate my body more than ever. It's flabby. It's soft.
I want to keep not eating. I want to keep fasting and then b/p-ing because the numbers on the scale say that it WORKS. But I don't know. I just don't fucking know. Maybe I'll keep going like this until I'm safely in the 120s and then work on it? Or maybe I'll figure shit out now. Who knows. Life's a fucking mystery.
Hope you had a good evening, lovelies.