Ugh

137.4 for two days in a row now.
Let's see. Sunday I ate too much at dinner but I didn't feel TOO awful because I avoided the carbs and had lots of spinach and tofu.
...then a friend offered me a peanut butter and jelly cupcake she had made and when I tried to say no she insisted so I had that at like 10 pm. Fatass.

And then yesterday started out okay (oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins, and a banana for breakfast; lentils, pinto beans, and couscous with an apple for lunch), but I ate too much for dinner (baked beans [lots of sugar] AND vegetable soup AND pita with hummus) and the dance classes I taught weren't too intense and then I b/p'd at like 10:30 last night.

I don't even know.
Do I fast today and watch the weight go down? Do I b/p like I so desperately want to? Do I try to stick to this whole "healthy eating" thing and get more serious about that?
Fucking hell. I don't know. I don't know anything.

(I know that I'm exhausted.
I know that I feel weak and tired.
I know that I'm unhappy with my body, my weight, my muscle tone.
I know that I need to do something about it.
I also know that I don't trust myself to go any length of time without b/p'ing.)

Hope you're having better days,
--The Dancer