Saturday, June 8, 2013


I didn't stick to the plan, because I'm a fat pigbitch who can't control herself.

But I still lost a pound.

I shouldn't have. I had a proper binge and didn't purge or exercise or take laxatives or anything.
What would I have been at if I hadn't had that binge? 142 even? 141?
Coffee, water, tea, maybe an energy drink today as punishment. I'll be down to 141 tomorrow, I just know it.
And then 140.
And then I lose my scale. For about 8 weeks. But it's okay. I'll count calories religiously, exercise religiously, and hope to be down to 130 or below when I next weigh in.
See, on Monday I'm going to stay at my friend's for a few days. She also has an ED and cuts (though she hasn't in just over a week and I haven't in maybe a month), but she hates hers. She suffers through it. I... when I'm deepest in my ED, I enjoy it. It gives me satisfaction.

(This, I was told the single time I went to seek help, is because my ED developed as a coping mechanism for depression. Makes sense.)

ANYWAY. I'm not about to bring my scale to her house. And then, straight from there, I'm flying to a 6-week dance festival, where I'll be rooming with someone I've never met. I'm always super self-conscious about weight and ED things in front of new people, because you never know if someone's recovering or relapsing or suffering or loving it. So, again, no scale. BUT, and here's the good part, I'm hella poor and need to pay for food for 6 weeks of a dance intensive. I NEED to eat--I can't restrict hardcore (because dancing 6+ hours a day, every day), but it needs to be cheap, and cheap=healthy. Oatmeal with peanut butter and fruit for breakfast, beans and vegetables for lunch, brown rice and beans and veggies for dinner. Fruit and vegetables as snacks. I literally CANNOT AFFORD to eat out or eat junk.

Gonna be doing this alldayerrday and eating super healthy:

After THAT, I'm going to the beach with my parents, and the idea of a scale there is laughable. BUT clean eating+6 hours of exercise a day*6 weeks=excellent bikini body. This is the first time in years that I'll be happy with how I look at the beach. Something like a cross between these two, I hope:

Sorry for the megapost, I got a little carried away.
Moral of the story: Lost weight! Dunno how. Liquid fast today because I need to EARN those losses.
No scale after Monday morning, but it'll be the fucking best before and after EVER. Better believe it.

The Dancer

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