Monday, June 17, 2013


I'm not doing well, you guys.
(Not that I think there's anyone reading this. But. Y'know.)

 Went to a modern class this morning. I could just feel myself shutting down. Not doing well, not absorbing what the teacher was saying, not catching on to any of the combinations. So I left forty minutes early and now I'm sitting in my room crying and typing this.

I thought about suicide again last night for the first time in months.
Everything just seems so impossible to get through right now.
I don't want to be here. I'm just feeling worse and worse about myself with every passing day and I have no one to talk to. The only person I've ever felt comfortable being vulnerable in front of is my ex, D, and even though we're "still friends" he's doing really well right now and is incredibly happy and I don't want to bug him with this stuff. I texted him last night when I found out I didn't get any callbacks, and he gave the pretty standard "you can do it, don't give up" answer, which was nice, but... y'know. I know he doesn't really care. I know he has his own things and his own great life that I'm not a part of.

K has gone to Spain to do the Camino de Santiago, so she's unreachable for six weeks. And besides, I don't like opening up to her.

So it's six weeks of this dance festival in which I'm awful and hate myself and just keep feeling worse and worse, then a week at the beach with my parents who are going to be impossible, then a month at home doing nothing but getting fat, then back to school, but what's the fucking point because if I can't even get a callback, why should I keep studying dance? It's my senior year. I'm going to end up graduated and unemployed and hopeless and I might as well just die now and get it over with.

...on the bright side, I was just apparently retaining a hell of a lot of water from all of the muscle soreness/dehydration, and I've definitely not ACTUALLY gotten fatter. I might have even lost a bit of weight. Not enough.

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