I feel like I should prove to whoever's reading this that I'm not ALL doom and gloom lately.
After the dance-related break down, I had a pretty successful day.
Went to the airport to get a bag that hadn't made it on my flight. (Of course, it was the bag with all of my dance stuff. Fucking typical.) While I was there I had a 290 calorie pack of trail mix (just nuts and fruit) and a cup of coffee with sugar. First time I had eaten today (except for two shots of espresso this morning).
Got back, hung around reading blogs and texting D for a while then went grocery shopping, because apparently I go through fruit an nuts like a madwoman. Plus, parents had just sent me money for the summer, so I could afford to splurge on some food a bit. (I know I'm spoiled. I don't like using their money, but I'm an only child that they had when they were relatively old, so they're really hyper vigilant about making sure I have enough of everything. I feel guilty about it, I do, but I can't really do anything about it.)
So got apples, oranges, more almonds, some sugar snap peas, hummus, oats, and reduced calorie chocolate almond milk. And then. Oh god. The Whole Foods here has "make your own trail mix" bar. Spent WAY too much money there, but came out with a trail mix full of raw pumpkin seeds, roasted sunflower seeds, dried papaya, raisins, dried pineapple, and dark chocolate. When I got home I mixed that with some almonds and roasted soynuts and I'm SO EXCITED to have a small handful at the end of my day to fight off cravings.
...after that, though, I snooped around the rest of the bakery/prepared foods area. Walked out with a single-serving bag of black pepper and sea salt chips, a container of falafel with tahini, and a slice of chocolate cake.
Ate three of the pieces of falafel, the chips, and about 3/4s of the cake with peanut butter, and then had the quickest purging session I've ever managed. Took 5 laxatives and Ripped Fuel afterwards to get out anything I missed.
I feel bad about the binge/purge. I literally just flushed about $10 down the drain.
But here's the thing. A few months ago, the binge would have been all five of the falafel in the container, the ENTIRE cake, plus a few more spoonfuls of peanut butter, plus half of the trail mix. I was even TRYING to get through the whole cake, because it seemed like a pre-determined stopping point, and I just COULDN'T.
So I think my stomach is shrinking, and I couldn't be happier.
(I didn't look too bad after the purge, either. I'm usually still pretty bloated with water.)
Have done 200 crunches so far today, working on more. Chugging water still. In about an hour I'll have espresso with a little bit of chocolate almond milk, then get ready and head to a performance. Home, shower, sleep, and start tomorrow with a better outlook and a smaller waistline.
Hang in there, lovelies. You will be okay. We all will.
Edit: Coffee didn't sit right. Had 20 snap peas with hummus (88 cal) and a couple small handfuls of that trail mix (200?) so settle my stomach.
Intake for the day (that I kept down): 290 cal trail mix, 88 cal snap peas and hummus, 200 cal trail mix. Sugar in coffee.
400 crunches, 1 hour of dance.